A moi

Rajuk yang tak terpujuk!

2012-01-26T21:12:00.003+08:00

Actually, there are 3 different scenarios that happened since Sept/Oct last year. One involving a very good female friend of mine, another one is about my eldest sister and the third one is the one that I really need and want to share for now, for the obvious reason - it's beyond salvageable..

____

If you ever wonder & ask me, why the so-called 'volatile relationship' doesn't exist anymore, here is the utmost reason why:

I was caught red-handed! (Ops, kantoi!!)
I wasn't being honest.
I lied to him.

Instead of going to bed early as I already told him (since I'll be driving back to my hometown very early the next morning), I was out partying like mad with my bevy of male admirers till the early hours of the morning! Shish.....

Shame on me huh?

And I had the cheek to say, "Heyy..I did nothing wrong!!"

___

P/s: Please read between the lines..haha!

20120112

2012-01-12T16:49:00.004+08:00

1. I'm not born to be a leader. I have taken all sort of personality tests back in Form 4 and as recent as in December last year, both concurred with the fact that I hate being put in a leadership position. I hate managing people, trying to second guess everyone's thoughts, visioning for the future of the organisation/club or whatever - it's simply not me. What a bonus to have a deputy who works well with you, but she's leaving soon.. *gasp!* And if a certain committee member kept on mentioning about how busy she is...well, don't wait for almost a year of her doing almost nothing only to receive the letter of resignation today... A good leader should be able to act fast, decisive & spot on! Need to look for a replacement next...

2. I have been asked again.. to join 1) a long-term research cluster in the organisation; 2) co-researcher with a friend cum colleague from another. Fact, I have yet to establish myself in my own niche! After much consideration and some persuasion from concerned colleague(s), I had declined from (1) even if my heart yearn to travel to the exotic location all over Malaysia! Reason being the person who is inviting me (thank you very much!) had the reputation of jumping ship at the critical hour! I'm working hard to understand no (2) but eventually I have to start somewhere...

3. A closed friend mentioned this in passing w.r.t. matter of the heart, 'Rad, did you notice the same pattern? This is similar to what has happened before....they just kept quite.." I guess, I wonder no more - something is wrong with me.. Well, I wish nothing but the best for you - O Married Ones! *cue in background music - Adxle's Somxone Likx Yox* And from watching Ombxk Rindx, "..redha itu ikhlas, sedangkan pasrah itu menyerah!"

4. I have been summoned to court again for speeding - the second summons within 6-months! For a mere extra 13 kmph!! Kinda regret my conversion to PKE when I had been lucky in the past two year or so travelling between North and South with my trusty MAV! Tell me, how could I not push the pedal when you're travelling on the hiway, the coast is clear, and all the other Beemers, Mercs and even Kancil zooming past? Tsk-tsk....but then again, I don't another accident to happen!

5. This is my conclusion from #3: Communication, Commitment, Confidence, Compromise.
Relationship between two people need a strong foundation build from easy camaraderie, no misunderstanding, acceptance to commit to the future (even just for a glimmer of hope & tiny expectation!), confidence with oneself (please do not ever mention my hard-earned 'fxcking PhD' (his words) AND later how unsuitable we are in one sentence) as well as respect that each of us come with baggages in tow! We failed in terms of communicating effectively and all of the above but I still like you, you know!

Why would I bother?

2012-01-05T19:45:00.003+08:00

Uncertainly - indeed...it has been weighing a lot on my mind which would otherwise be better occupied with lotsa more important stuff.

As Abdul Rahim Awang wrote in his novel (Obsesi), "Apa yang tidak terucap tidak akan menyakitkan hati, bukan?"

Oh Tuhan, bukan mudah untuk mencapai qalbu saleem (hati yang sejahtera!)

2nd

2011-11-08T14:54:00.003+08:00

They are going to meet for dinner, 8pm.

Somebody said s/he going to be late.

Somebody said it's ok, I don't mind waiting - lambat2 pun takpe..

Somebody took it literally as that someone is patience enough to wait, maybe, forever..since s/he is busy with last minutes work!

Then only s/he sent next message & rushed out office at 11:30pm!

But, it was way, way too late...all the anticipations for nothing since the balloon has burst!

K.I.S.S

2011-10-22T10:37:00.003+08:00

1. A new colleague approached me, saying that her husband knew me (we have met a couple of times at international conferences) & described me as 'a person with ceria face & big eyes'! Thank you. You simply made my day!

2. I received an award (at departmental level) at work place. It was based on overall job performance for last year - only those with 85% or more marks. The person who sat next to me also received the same award. She said, "After 20 years of working, now only I received this award..." Only silence from moi since (I started back in Nov 2009 so..) it has been only 1 year or so for me! Patut rasa bersalah kah? But, but there are those who received it almost annually!

3. Somebody is having a similar weird situation as mine. We both deal with people (students, colleagues, etc.) in our line of duty. Must we pretend ignorance when we met face to face when there are other people around? But continue messaging & phone calls (for lucky some!) or emails which more or less refer to personal stuff & beyond our call of duties? I saw sparks flying here & there!! I do worry about her though.. since he's obviously taken!

4. I asked a certain newly wedded person, "How's the baby making business?" Of course, I meant to ask whether there is any reasons for the Big Family to celebrate! She said, "Kau tak tau ke? Sakittt la!" Ops!! T.M.I again *sigh*

5. Life is good, alhamdulillah. I have some good days & some bad days but pretty much nothing to complaint about! Like someone said, I have 'rupa tak kurang, belajar tinggi & I bet good income'... if only less fussy, and no more 'ramaiiiiiii kawan lelaki (inc. ex-es) keliling pinggang! *sigh*

Things I learnt the hard way...

2011-09-07T21:18:00.006+08:00

P/s: I just came back from work (yesterday I came back after 7:30pm) and dead-tired right now but there is a loud Parti Arak going-on downstairs so might as well utilized the time to unleash my thoughts.

1. Never, ever choose a date for an official function immediately after a long holiday break like the Annual Raya Exodus. Reasons being all the last minutes preparations (being a typical Malaysian institution & people with 'attitude' - Oh help me God!) will definitely interrupt your earlier well-planned trip back to hometown. And you worry about the actual turnout too since most people will be busy with their open house routine (not for moi! maybe next year) and another rounds of visiting relatives & friends on weekends. Festive seasons are not a good time to travel for the foreigners too.

2. Never, ever choose a 5-star hotel as the venue simply because, well, you just want to! Reasons being not everyone (paying participants) could afford it especially those coming from not so developed countries - even my room entitlement is insufficient to cover the most basic room - such that you worry about the event's account being in the red or black depending upon the number of participants which slowly trickling in and later they may decide to withdraw since not enough funding! *gasp!*
Best alternative, choose not the beach hotels but one closer to home so that you can commute daily & save money on committee members' accommodation.

3. Never, ever accept any invite to join a committee again without checking out the trustworthiness of the other members. Naive me was roped in only from the 3rd (or was it 4th) meeting to handle to most challenging assignment, if I said so myself, no wonder there was no takers earlier! And the person who roped me in, let us called him KA, was one who is clever enough to pass the baton, not only him but some cother members too, to unlucky moi! A classic example, I asked the person-in-charge of promotion to come out with a new brochure. This person, says F, then asked KA for the materials only for KA to ask me to instruct the next person on how to do it! There I was, thinking about a secretary job is about letters & minutes, only to end up sitting down with the graphic designer to come out eventually with the posters, brochures AND banners too! Have they no shame? Nahh!!!

4. Never, ever again agree to work with these people:
KA - as mentioned above; very good at delegating tasks (no in proper way)!
F - same, but at least he helped me by responding to my emails/BBMed/SMSes
N - she did almost nothing esp. those assigned to her! No wonder she wanted me in her sub-committee. But she did work with me to produce the full programme - by coming to my room.
F - she is senior but junior, we did help her to prepare the sponsorship letter, many rounds of emails & editing, still not settled due to her being away (good excuses but still not an excuse to release her one & only duty) and eventually managed to snare a sponsorship of........jeng3x.......

.. RM3K! (From hundreds of letters sent)
The Prof who said 'a person of his level don't play with a petty occasion such as ours' - he then said, "I know you can do all this, no need to put my name...blablabla" According to him, everything is simple & easy! And I ended up doing all his work - shame on me!
The Junior Officer who always said nothing much in minutes from the previous meeting, would manage to find reasons to come late or not coming at all & not contributing a thing - a mere notetaker. Very disappointing attitude...

5. Never, ever cross the boundary that defines colleagues VS friends. Should limit my fb interactions with those colleagues. Unless they are real friends. Reasons being:
a. 1 colleague is mad at him because I told him off, lazy! To cut short a long story, I lost 2 friends (ZZ too). I found out the hard way after layan-tak-layan phone calls etc. when he purposedly snub me at the corridor! He even went as far as looking the other way...huhuhu. During the recent eid, I asked for forgineness but he only replied to return my eid wishes. Same case as her.
b. Another colleague used me as her sounding board - at least that is how it feels to me. Asking me to come to her room & listen to her research activities. She refused to join in my committee (no hard feeling there)and then kept on saying she is busy - as if I'm not busy? And kept on harassing me over the minutiae fact that her name is still in the list! Hello there, I already help in so many ways to take that out but that thing is beyond my control - I'm simply not in charge!
c. Another colleague finds a new bestie - not moi. She asked me to come to her open house through her! She told her whenever she took leave & such. Last time, she used to share everything with me. (God, now I feel like back in primary school again)

5. Never, ever loose focus again: post-Sept 17, it's gonna be all research & publication insyaAllah. There are people who are just waiting for my downfall. But I have my trust in God....

Why am I so mad lately, as in now????

2011-07-25T17:28:00.002+08:00

I went to a stupid local bank. I made a stupid mistake by not calling & make an appointment first. It was simply a simple matter of changing the signatories of the Club's bank account from the old committees to the new ones. From past experience, we (chairperson, secretary & the treasurer) were told that it was a simple matter of us being presence at the bank together with a copy of the AGM's minutes. Dang, we're wrong! That was last year! So, after the signings we're told to come again with the official letter stating the new appointments by the ex-chairman. On the second visit by me alone, since it's an Islamic bank & our treasurer is a non-Muslim - I was thinking to save him a visit - I was told that, "Oh, we need the Club's official stamp!" Damn me twice now! A quick check around back at the office revealed that the current stamp was tatty but I was told that even if we make a new stamp it has to be similar to the current one & I need to bring the old one as well to the bank. So, off we went to make a new one!

That was so last week.......so today, everything is ready finally - that was what I thought - off to bank again for the third time only to be told that the person in charge was on leave. Ok, how about the next person in charge? Passed from one into another, finally they concurred that I'll have to simply wait for that person to be back working at her desk again!!! What a stupid bank considering the fact that I had to go round in circles twice to park my car!!

Stupid no. 2 moment.
Again, the conference is really killing me softly inside - I'm boiling mad! Let's not go into that now. The gist of thing was I took over the banner thing - sent the design for printing last thursday, haggle over the price and was promised that it will be ready by 10am on Monday.

By 10 something am this morning, I was already anxious & made the first call. Then, a second call around 11-ish. It went into voice-mail. By lunch hour, I sent a message - nicely asking him to message me once the banners are ready. He replied saying that the banners are readied but he was outside the campus (by the way, it was an on-campus shop, conveniently chosen). So I waited and waited.....

Back from the bank, I decided to drop by seeing that the shop was open. The owner-guy recognised me & started giving excuses, the banner was not here yet blablabla...my questions to him was, "Why can't you call & inform me? Or have the courtesy at least to message me? What was the use of promising me 10am if you cannot deliver?"

And i just left..frustratingly mad! Don't they know how to do business? First, the bank & now this printing shop? Oh, let's not forget the salesguy - which I considered for a temporary insanity moments that I felt crushed into (see previous entry, what was I thinking?? Major stupido!!)- who kindly let me waited for half an hour not once but twice! Man, I was the client, the customer is KING!!!

And last night, over a phone conversation, somebody had the cheek to call me stingy?? S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? It wasn't the first time that this happened..

Just because I mentioned that I was too lazy too cook and thus having maggi mee for dinner she dared to call me stingy? I who unselfishly undertook a personal loan of RM25K to help mak pay for the house renovation (second phase) and forked out RM1K every month to pay it back which basically translated into no new shiny car for me, no to my own house downpayment too?? I even had to borrow from my angah in order to provide the downpayment for my apartment?? I waited and saved money for the last 6 months in order to come out with my downpayment for my new ride all because I didn't trade-in my MAV - it was given freely to my sister - the one who is staying with mak. I am the one who consistently & financially help my other sister (the one whose husband passed away due to diabetes) since the first month I started working in 2009. I am the one who come up with an on-going education fund to reward those nephews & nieces (including siblings that further their study - she was one of the first recipient) that do well in major exams like UPS*, PM* and SP* as well as varsity level. Every year without miss (except those miserable years towards the end of my study) I bought mak & my few selected sisters material for their kurung and there was even a year back in 2000 when I bought the materials for everyone including my sister-in-laws. There are other occasions which I ought to mention here but to call me: S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? Unbelievable!!

And there was one too many person that is bugging me at work!

Oh God, I am ashamed of myself - for losing control and showing my anger today. Have mercy My Lord and forgive me..

Infatuation..

2011-06-30T21:30:00.003+08:00

...was short-lived. Don't ask me further. I had just calmed down from my beyond mad moment hahaha..*and i feel really stupid too, major stupido!*

And this stupid neighbour who live on top floor (above me - 3 storeys flat) need to really learn some communal living etiquette like kalau nak tumbuk sambal tu (helllooooo!!! Never heard of blender kerr??) using mortar & pestle on a cement floor pandai2lah alas dengan kain or suratkhabar tebal!!! Your pounding are literally hard-knocks upon my head - arghhhhhHH!!!

They like me...they don't like me!

2011-06-28T20:40:00.002+08:00

1. Not everyone likes me, obviously.

I was having an early dinner with a colleague just now. She was having one of those ‘need a shoulder to cry on’ moments. Me being me, before she can actually get to her actual reasons to (so-called) cry, I was already bombarding her with all the things that actually bothered me today like the fact that I noticed this one particular colleague who totally ignored me when we’re on a colliding path, around noon, & I was smiling and ready to exchange pleasantries like, “Where are you going?” Or maybe, “Out early for lunch eh?”

She. Just. Ignored. me.

And, it wasn’t for the first time either. She is the same person who actually looked down on me (and said it out loud during a committee meeting which I was invited for & kind of forcefully agreed to volunteer) just because I am a junior. She is also among those in the mailing list of those not-happy-why-the-juniors-are-getting-the-same-salary-scale with our newly minted phds while they have been ‘slaving for years, started with nothings’ just to get the seniority.

My friend was saying, “Nah, I don’t notice anything different. Maybe you are thinking too much of it….”

After we’re done with our dinner, we make way to the car. From quite a distance, I noticed her car coming in our direction and my mind immediately thought, “Panjang umur dia ni..” And I was smiling too!

She lowered her window pane & just talked to the friend behind me without even a glance to me!

I can take it. Not everyone likes me, you see. I can live with it.

But, you’re making it difficult for me to like you either. At the current work place which I intend to serve quite for long, I only ignore ONE person. He broke my trust in him when he proposed marriage…I try very hard not to hate him. It’s not just because he’s married either. I have a very strong feeling that he wanted to take advantage of ‘the situation’ – that is all to it!

2. Two faces.

Did I mention about my confirmation interview last month? Well, I thought it went quite smoothly – well enough, considering the fact that I have no new publication for last year. I faced a panel consisting of one external professor, the big boss, one of his/her deputies, an internal assoc. professor and two ‘gatekeepers’. I was really scared of the external professor since he’s in my immediate field of research and he can easily make life difficult for me as he had that kind of reputation you know! Surprisingly, he’s ok – in fact, he is the one who emphasized that the thesis is MY work and thus should have MY name in front! And not the other way around, even after I explained that ‘supervision culture’ in other places are different..while the deputy dean (who acted as my team leader for all group activities that we did together last years) was the one who highlighted the fact that maybe I was spending too much time on doing all the other stuff and thus less publication. The big boss then said, “If we confirm you now, meaning.. are you going to work less?” To which I answered cleverly (even if I said so myself), “I do things because I want to do it. If I don’t want to do it, nobody can force me to do it..” (a couple of examples come to mind here but let’s not go into that now)

The internal professor was smiling (oh, I had already an informal discussion during lunch with him, impromptu) and asked the expected questions – no surprise here.

What surprise me today is to actually found out that he is not happy with me since I was getting a better appraisal marks (Alhamdulillah 88.2 for last year) than him! He, who published THREE papers, while I was involved (and headed one) in numerous activities to get other people to publish, presented a collaborative paper in Seoul, taught three courses (forget about the no. of students hahaha), took photos (need to mention this since our annual report used at least 5 photos taken by me, a mentor for a community project, went back to my alma mater for a career talk (this come under community work), my work with one of the ministries from time to time, the (appointed but worked voluntarily) staff welfare committee as well volunteered for the botanical garden’s club activities, represent the varsity (Hello! Aerobic squad!) etc. etc.. Of course, those are the small things that matters and they did add up nicely even if I scored less for publications (more weight!). Is he saying, those appraisal marks appear just out of nowhere? Puhleeezzzzzzz…… oh, another thing is I went to quite a number of training programme for the whole of last year too!

Two faces. I can live with this too.

3. He is just too cute.

There is this new ruling with regards to buying car in our country. Unless you’re paying in full cash (are you nuts?), you need to get the loan approved, the car is in stock and then only you pay a maximum of 1% of booking fee. I went to the showroom last Thursday to have a look at all the models (I already knew what I’m getting with my ‘minuscule budget’ – definitely NOT what I want though..), filled in the loan application form and sort of illegally paid the booking fee (to lock in the car for me coz I want a ready stock, couldn’t wait for August for the next batch).

The loan was approved earlier in the morning today. Had to rush to prepare the bank draft for the down payment (15% instead of 10% so that I get a 2K rebate instead of 1.5K discount plus some amount of free maintenance) and went to sign the loan agreement and everything later in the afternoon.

I hope he’s not distracted by the big, red pimple under my nose (fave spot to appear – must be a choked up nerve there). Must remember to wear something nice tomorrow. And remember my rehearsed script too, “Have you had your breakfast?” Wait. For his response. My next line, “I haven’t had my breakfast yet…” Wait. Again. Let him leads…if he’s interested la! But, he is just too cute. And young huhuhu… Must keep my silent. Intrigue him. (God, this is so difficult!)

According to both friends that accompanied me during the first visit, he was quite taken aback when I informed the bank officer (sitting together with all of us at the table) of my single status. And he's been avoiding looking at me too, said friends who were busy texting each other about me & him. Oh, there's hope yet!

The good, the bad..

2011-06-20T21:44:00.002+08:00

OOO - I have been out-of-office for the past one week. Thank God, I have never felt so glad to leave my office ever before.. This time around I relished the thought of using the out-of-office mail’s auto-reply so that I have the satisfaction of knowing all that annoying person got for every email sent to me was the auto-reply! Did she ever understand the OOO concept? Nope, she still emailed me on a Sunday – of all day!??? GrrrrRRRRR!!! I have enough of her to last me a life time!
ROM – a good friend of mine ties the knot recently. They will be having the traditional wedding ceremony later in November this year. I was gushing over her ROM’s dress - traditional cut ie cheongsam but with lace material which mimicked that Royal Wedding Gown – a natural make-up which made her glowing from inside out, pearl & dangling earrings to woot! So, since I missed her ROM, I have been asking her all sort of questions today – where she bought that dress, her last minute decision with regards to the dress & make up, why are they postponing the honeymoon til year end etc. etc. When I asked about honeymoon, what I had in mind was more like where are they going, I expect something more like uploaded photos later to share on fb so I was kinda taken aback when she jumped ahead & said, “Are you gonna asked about first night? Sakittttt tauuu!!!!”
Awwwwww…..that definitely comes under TMI!!!! I was blushing and dunno how to react – what is proper actually at time as such? I am an OLD MAID, r’ber?

And not only that, I also end up dispersing notes *in between blushing like crazy* (instruction for her on what to google *You never, ever google before?! Nope, she said* so that she also get to enjoy *ahem!*, endearment to use unsparely - she should starts it with just between the two of them if she’s shy of other ppl listening hehehe *suggested a simple ‘B’ for hubby* – perfume, soft music and scented candles to heat up the mood, check on the in-laws from time to time since basically theirs are long-distance marriage for now etc. etc. * a lot more info which I dare not share here since you’ll be wondering then - how come rad seems to know so much? Hehehe..*
Oh, today was also a catch-up day at work with my colleagues. I ordered & received 3 (+1 free) fridge magnets from one who came back from Spain, one came back from sabbatical in Middle East gave me prayer beads, one who came back from the pilgrimage – a set of forks & spoons just because I commented on her own set some time ago – another one from pilgrimage, at a later date, with family – a bottle of attar perfume, one who presented paper in one of the towns in France and dropped by in LV’s flagship store in Paris in order for the lucky wife to bought her third LV bag (& countless purses) at only 400+ Euro (equivalent to RM1800) bought stamps for me (I have started to collect stamps again!) and an Eiffel Tower key-chain (my numero 3 at least!), one who came back from sabbatical in Melbourne – a shot glass, AND the best present of the day was when I opened my mails to discovered a cheque for my income tax returned! Heeeeeeeeeeeee…………………………………….

That money means I will be transferring ownership of MAV to my sis – the one who stay with mak at kampong and who will be getting married soon – and now I’ve enough money to pay as down-payment for a new ride! I asked mak, “What colour would mak prefer?” She said, “Choose la red!” Errr…..I guess she wants me to announce my arrival to the world ahahahah! Errr….not Beemer or mata belalang yet *dream on rad, insyaAllah* but a switch from local to imported car would be good enough for now and do remind, not to speed up – I’m yet to marry! hehehe

The first..

2011-06-07T22:08:00.004+08:00

batch of graduating students, since I started teaching in July 2009, will be having their convocation some time in September this year. Given that my Econ-major classes at level three and four varies and consisted of mostly *wait, need to count with my fingers!* 8, 5, 4, even 3 students (but don't you worry, the bulk of my students come from non-Econ major, more than 100 of them), so I'll be happy enough to know one of them is to graduate for sure! He sent me an email with a few lines of thank yous & oh..I was touched for sure!

Still on the same thread, I was helping with the courses registration process last night for the new intake. Basically, they all need to take the same courses regardless Econ- or non-Econ major for their first year. It was quite a dissappointment when we have to entertain again & again request from these new students, "Can we drop Econ and replace it, say, with History?" What is wrong with taking Econ? It is the most fun subject ever! Right???!!

Mixed feelings

2011-06-05T22:46:00.004+08:00

Today was an important day for my second eldest sister. She is 47 year old and still single but not for long since today was the day that her future husband came officially to meet the family. According to my other sister (in case you forget, I've 5 sisters AND 5 SILs (including one ex, excluding one other ex who passed away) out of three brothers), everything went smoothly and insyaAllah (God's willing) they will get engaged in two months time and will wed a month after that during Eid. The guy is OK, 56 yo, a widower whose wife passed away 11 years ago, with 4 kids ranging from 37, the eldest, to the youngest daughter of 25 yo. The first two kids are married so he has grandchildren already and thus my sister is going to get an instant big family!

I am really happy for her. But at the same time I'm worried too - for her and for my mom. She is the one who stay with my mom in the hometown. There has been a big row recently which left the two of them not in good/talking term anymore. It's a long & complicated story - give me a big headache even by just listening all about it from far away. In one of the 'drama scenes', she simply left home for a couple of nights after a quarrel with one of my brothers. She blamed mom for taking my brother's side and not listened to her. The thing is, she is really a difficult person to discuss with and often times, I just gave up! Let me give you an example: a long, long time ago when I was doing my master's degree, I stayed in her house (that time in town) and paid her rental. I can't remember the details but we argued over tv channels (no compromise at all) which left me boiling mad and I just went ahead and bought my own (larger) tv in cash (Thank God I had the money!). Er, that wasn't the only time I had issues with her. Back in 1993, when I was working as a factory's production operator aka minah kilang, we had a big row too. And as recent as 2004, when she was already staying in our hometown, we all (mom, sister, me, SIL and bro) went for umrah but she refused to be in the same car with me (when I'm easily the easiest person to be with - I swear the truth!) during the journey to the airport.

The issue now is mom, who is no longer happy staying in her own house in our hometown. I felt really disappointed coz after all that she spent on renovating the house (55K out of 85K from her savings & the balance covered by moi (I could have easily paid downpayment for a new car and an apartment too); another 20K from mom for The Troublesome Gate (yes, gate as in entrance gate) - the one that caused the Big Row as mentioned above), now she is not longer comfortable in her own house, like enjoying her old-age days by having the whole clan gather together from time to time. She can't even open the windows in the living room coz according to my sister, "...the dust will get in!" Arghhhhhhhhh!!! She (the sister, not my mother) sets too many rules!

I hope the best for my sister - I really want her to be happy so that my mom can be happy too. I wish I could take care of her (mom not sister) but there's nothing much that I can do now except pray for the best solutions for everyone. Dunno about the post-wedding arrangement yet. Her wedding anyway not mine...hehe

Do i need to explain myself?

2011-06-03T20:38:00.005+08:00

Have you ever heard of this phrase, "..ibarat penyapu baru, maka kenalah rajin bekerja?" (New broom works harder at sweeping floor?)

How do you feel if you immediate superior (IS) keeps on repeating his/her statement, "..saya dulu, suka sangat bila Head bagi tugasan..? (I like it when my head asked me to do stuff!)

These work assignments are way different from the normal duties i.e. job descriptions like teaching and researching and everything that they entail or in-between.

The Head called some selected newcomers (including moi) for a meeting and assigned us to research & come up with a proposal for something - pure academic document - the sample shown to us contained 150+ pages, excluding the appendices.

I wasn't rejecting the assignment per se but I did raise a few concerns like the fact that each and everyone of us (read: moi!) are swamped with things to do. At the last count, I am involved in 6 committees whereby 2 is almost nonexistence (Thank God!) in terms of what if required from me other than be present in meetings; an ad hoc committee specifically to increase the quality and quantity of our research outputs and these involve activities ranging from motivational talks, writing boot camps (I was in-charged of one last year), supposed to update the board set up as writers' corner too, an internal bulletin, blablabla..; organizing committee members for an international conference in Sept - I was the secretary, help with promotion to the extent of sitting down with the graphic designer to helped him design the poster, deals with the enquiries and papers submission (acknowledgment of receipt, notice of acceptance individually) etc. etc.; a special commemorative book project which was started last year but didn't move at all and I was rope-in reluctantly in April and then stupidly volunteered to do the photo selection with two other members. At same time, I am handling enquiries about graduate student's supervision (two proposals to read); my own research grant application is way overdue; correction for one of the papers from my thesis/conferences (my supervisor - the umbilical cord IS still strongly attached) and need to push it for publication somewhere; AND to top it all they appointed me the chair of this body who look after the overall staff welfare where I need to deal with letters to the big, big boss (got a memo for this - lesson learnt, everything should go through the Head first), to collect members' annual contribution; to invite small businesses which are routinely involved to open their stalls during the orientation week, had to listen to their grouses too about high rent, no customers blablabla.. handle the meetings, bargain for money/stuff, had to speak in public/ in front again & again - arggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Should I be flattered that they (shown raise of hands) elected me when actually someone else did volunteer and earlier on got people to lobby on her behalf? Even the Head is rooting (s/he told me indirectly) for that person instead of me! But somehow she choosed me, instead of her, to be in the committee above? When I tried to withdraw my name from the contest for chairperson by mentioning the fact that I'm busy with the above mentioned stuff, there were people who said behind my back, "..macam la dia sorang je yang busy!" (As if she is the only busy one!) Do I need to explain my schedule to them?

You know what, I honestly didn't want all of the above (maybe some, for my yearly performance appraisal) but since I proved (said a newcomer who is good at avoiding everything; and had the cheek to laugh at me!) to them that I can do the job so now I'm being thoroughly punished for it! ANd just because my English is better than some of them! (Well, it's laughable really..)

After the no hold barred meeting mentioned above, I then had my interviewed for job confirmation in the afternoon - of the same day. One of the panels raised a question, whether somehow by involving in mcuh I may be neglecting or lacking in the things that matter i.e. research & publications? He hitted the right button to me but later the Head (serious face mode) asked whether i might be shirking away from doing all those stuff once I'm confirmed?? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many time do I need to explain myself? I do things because I want to do it, I can do it (up to a certain extent) but I don't need people to push their agenda on me! I also don't need heads of committee who incompetent who set no deadline, assign nothing specific but expect miracle to happen & then told me not to worry, no problem blablabla again & again!

And some had the nerve to question my ability? Help me God! I had to deal with members who had no idea of punctuality; ignored emails when they feel like it; letters that need to go for THREE rounds of discussion before being signed (definitely had a twisted understanding of the word delegation of duties since s/he still need to know every nitty-gritty details through emails), some even has the misconception that I have to go to all funerals/any ceremonies?

A.R.G.H.H.!

The day I met Dini..

2011-06-02T17:56:00.003+08:00

..the abandon baby. He was left under a tree, back in April 2011. He's now under the care of State Welfare Department, being considered for adoption.

He's really lucky and fortunate compared to the one that we read in the local news today about a newborn baby (with umbilical cord still attached) thrown from somewhere up on a flat into a dumpster (but missed it) . What is wrong with us? Are we not human anymore?

And this Dini boy, who didn't make a fuss at all during the waiting for his court session, definitely deserved a better set of parents who will provide as much love & care that he'll need insyaAllah.

P/s: Er, I was summoned to court for traffic offence related to my previous accident. Was scared shit when the police officer on duty called me to enter the magistrate court (for traffic) as I wasn't prepared at all. Thank God, as well as for my loyar buruk brother, who already pull some strings from far away, so that eventually I was only summoned to appear in the magistrate's chamber. The Tuan Magistrate looks so young (mid-20s..but he's married la, in case you're wondering - I saw the 3-fingers henna on his nails hehehe..) but the Prosecuting Officer (PO - a high ranking policeman) looked serious but kind enough to help by pointing out the fact that the accident happened during heavy rain; there were also the translator (Jurubahasa) who read my charge sheet and of course the police officer who accompanied me (pesalah?) from the magistrate court, in chamber, and to the payment counter. Basically, I just read my rehearsed script, admitted guilty and appealed for a lesser sentence (as much as RM2000, normal compound of RM300). Accident does happened, I should be more careful at all time and pray harder so as no repeat of this experience insyaAllah.

Baru ku tahu..

2011-05-31T20:38:00.004+08:00

I thought *more like trying to convince myself* that looking for that elusive someone is beyond me! I am happy, honestly & alhamdulillah, with everything that I have on my plate right now, I just couldn't depend on someone to make me happy(-ier). In case you want to know, and wonder no more, I still google him from time to time. I don't know which is good or worst - not knowing what happen to him or knowing he made a good living now. How many times have I said, I have move on *konon...*

I read an entry on Saiful Islam just now which lead me eventually to this blog entry on Projective Personality Test by a medic students back in 2008, Leokid's Life, and more details by him on medicstudent at wordpress.

He included a drawing of a cat in his picture test which his lecturer seen to and then commented, "You need someone. You definitely need someone." Ouch!

I may not be drawing a cat anywhere but my long-time profile photos in both fb & bb are snapshots of my sister's cats!

P/s: A long, long time ago, I used to have cats *note the plural here and my role as the primary caretaker* as pets. Periods of boarding schools, college and a short stint oversea took care of the slow demise of my pets..I did consider of having cats again but my easier-not-to-commit lifestyle for now says nope!

Remember Sam (not his real name)?

2011-04-12T14:39:00.003+08:00

Well....in the previous entry, I mentioned about my instant crushes on him simply due to his honourable behavior. So I thought maybe you would like to know that there is a beyond-slight probability that he's not interested in me OR any other girls too. Hmm...that explained 'thing' I guess! P/s: The guy who-don't-know-what-he-wants has swallowed his own bitter pills twice within a space of a week or so. I feel so gooddddd!! (vindicated actually)

Tuhan masih sayang..

2011-04-05T20:24:00.004+08:00

#1. Again, an accident on March 19th. Is MAV going to be the death of me one day? Na'uzubillah...er, need to prepare my will now. It was raining, again, & it happened right in front of my current dwelling. I was heading home, from the left side of road, stop in the middle of road & gave my signal to turn right. In the darkness of the sun setting down, I made a mistake in judgement (this is the same place where I've been turning right daily for the last 11 months or so) as I hurriedly turn right & thus the bike slam into the front passenger side - Gedeganggggg!!! I would NOT want it to ever happen again - the feeling of horror, helplessness, guilty-ridden blablabla.....According to my 'family lawyer', and as proven by the police summon immediately received, I was definitely guilty since the bike had the right of way but, but he has also the duty of care to slow down which was quite difficult at that time due to the road condition. Thank God, he was ok - even if the bike was NOT ok.... #2. I'm 36 now and I still have crushes - awwwww..... I first met Sam (not his real name) during one of the compulsory courses for new staff in June last year. He was outspoken and whenever he contributed to the discussion I felt like he's showing off since he'll mentioned his phd & work experience in Birmingham (again & again) and he speaks Queen's English. I was impressed at the same time! Then, we had another courses in December where we did share our experience with regards to sexual harassment at work (during one of the sessions). He had female student wearing hot pants *gasp!* leaning while sitting near him during discussion - it was obvious the girl was hitting on him & so forth. When it came to my story (mentioned in previous entry), he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend and come to office to settle things or something like that. Was he wonderful, manly or what? *I'm gushing with gratitude* Well..that basically covered everything. Some time in the last couple of weeks (on 24th March to be exact), I headed up to the bookshop on campus. Since I was passing by his building (i mean his work office, he has a side business too) I did think of him like.. wouldn't it nice to meet him again blablabla...a girl can only wish! After the bookshop, I headed back down & stopped at the pharmacy. My mind was thinking of, "...too bad, he was nowhere to be found!" and my hand was on the door to push it open. Imagine how big was my surprise when the door was pulled open for me and he was there greeting me!!!!! Had quite a shock actually & don't know what I blabbering after that.. What I would like to emphasize here is how wonderful it is - a simple act of kindness & gentleness on his part - being a gentleman, noticing me, by opening the door he made my day! AND I knew now that he has recurring attacks of gout which is hereditary but he simply loves seafood, cooked by his mom. #3. I have move on, finally. I can now think of him, look at his photos etc. and simply wish the best in life for him. That heavy leaden-heart feeling is gone. Thank you Allah. It was the closure that I have been looking for. #4. I gave as good as I get. This particular single guy (mentioned some where before) is problematic - in communicating his thoughts. Rude. Selfish too. Imagine, he started a conversation (either smses or BBMs), I replied, to get the ball rolling I asked further questions...AND he simply ignored me! One, or twice is still considered ok. I did mention the annoying habit to him directly and he just laugh it off! But it has gone beyond enough to me...now I simply not responded to his msgs, deleted him from my BBM contacts - let him swallow his own bitter pills haha! Remind me, why do I need him as a friend again? #5. Need to work harder at work. Publications!

A hike up Muk* Head Lighthouse

2011-03-11T11:28:00.011+08:00

Prelude: Ahh...putting my feet up, on a hammock under the tree shade by the beach.

Side-activity..

Towards our destination...

Built in 1883 yo!

A touristy take!

Wide open sea-view from the upper deck..

The real things!

At the end: The heart was willing but the body is already aging.. a boat ride for going back!

A moment with Nelson..

2011-03-11T10:59:00.019+08:00

Started the day early with crossing the bridge..faced the morning sun!

Got to feed the early & chirpy birds..aren't they lucky?

Admire the limestone shrubberies..

Met Mr Mattheus...the African mountain goat!

P/s: If you don't want to be smelly all day long, do not pick up or rub the goatling!

Ahh.. tranquillity - across the lake, what a perfect spot for a picnic lunch!

A hungry tiger..."What are you two looking at?" Wroarrrr!!!

..with a slim tummy!

Everybody pose nicely - thank you! *The chief trainer was holding his arm tenderly after a loving swat from baby's paw..aww*

Even if I'm only a 7-months baby, do check out my claws!

I speak English only!

A baby got to be fed with bottled-milks..

Look ma - no hands!

At least I make an effort to shake hands...

..and tired of listening to this guy..

Jejak langkah..Taman Maluri - Shamelin Perkasa, Cheras

2011-02-21T16:06:00.004+08:00

I was in Taman Shamelin Perkasa, Cheras - for my A-level and also first year of varsity - back in 1993-1996. JJ Taman Maluri was our hang-out place. It was an adventure by itself going to JJ from our side of Taman Shamelin Perkasa just for a spot of shopping! As a shortcut, we had to cross the river using a make-shift bridge of water pipe (with just some wooden planks)...I had to make do with packed-like-sardines Bas Mini Wilayah for getting to/fro Puduraya. This was back before the existence of the LRT! Had my first experience of being grope on the bus...euww!

Jejak langkah..Puduraya to Jalan Petaling

2011-02-21T15:56:00.007+08:00

This is for the period of my life between Sept 1999 - Oct 2001 where I toil for 4 days a week, from before dawn to after dusk (catching the before-7am-bus & reaching home after 11pm) and got to enjoy a 3-day weekends rush back to kampung. My late ayah was so proud for the fact that I worked in St*mford Regent School of Economics...coz earlier on he thought it was a Regent Estate/Plantation in my hometown.

Who would believe it that after 10 years or so, I'm back hitting on the street (Puduraya, Petaling Street, Central Market, etc.), eating at the same restaurant downstairs in the Cahaya Suria building (though the college is no more to be found)...

Jejak Langkah..Langkawi

2011-02-21T15:42:00.016+08:00

First time I was in Langkawi, a long, long time ago was for a day trip - an interview back in 1999. I still remember, the (comparatively) long interview completed with joined laughs we (the panel of interviewers and interviewee) had and I was so confident to be able to bag the job..

Jungle trail..

2011-02-21T15:34:00.008+08:00

I know what I want..(part 1)

2011-01-05T20:03:00.004+08:00

Remember the 5Cs or was it 6Cs? You know - Cash/credit, Career, Car, Condo, cute husband & last but not least, Children?

Well, I kinda have for now: cash at the end of the month from my daily slaving from dusk to dawn *in 3-months time I'll be almost debt-free*; a relatively comfortable career *let's not dwell too much on this particular statement*; my trusty old wira - MAV which survived an accident on the hi-way but not from getting scratches here & there due to my parking skill *hah!*; considering the sky-rocketing price of property in Penang I'm considered lucky enough to be able to buy a guarded apartment which will only be available for occupancy in late 2012 *well, it takes time you know to build & reach the 15th floor!*; after the recent horror of all horror i kinda develop an allergy towards the idea of getting myself subjected to the whim & fancy of a guy, or any guy, who is not even worth it so that kinda scrap away the 'origin' of my future children...

Alas...I'm not out of options yet. There is possibility of getting that love and warmth feeling from....

C. A. T. S.

Yeah, kinda lame I know but many people are doing it now...From my recent experience, they (4 almost grown kittens who lost their mother) are always ready to ambush me every time I open the door, criss-crossing in my pathway *I can be a really mean step mother- shooo!*, totally dependent on me for their sustenance etc. *no nappy-changing is required but the amount of 'smelly waste' they produced run concurrent with the amount of food they eaten which are really a lot! If only they are mine, I can train them nicely, plus weekly bathtime too! Play time is definitely fun time..all it took was a simple ribbon, or anything that move!

fb bukan tempatnya..

2010-12-01T18:20:00.000+08:00

..untuk cari calon isteri lagi – NGERTI?
..tambah lagi loe udah punya anak dan isteri
Gw gak pernah nagih simpati.. bisa aja deh hidup sendiri!

fb bukan tempatnya untuk cari calon isteri lagi – NGERTI?
..kalau loe masih nyorok di belakang namanya isteri
Ha, kalau loe betul berani.. bawa-in aja isteri loe ke mari! *mau aja gw gocah dengan cili padi!*

fb bukan tempatnya untuk cari calon isteri lagi – NGERTI?
..jangan salah tafsir dong keramahan gw dalam merendah diri
Aiyoh Pak, usah perasan deh..gw jauh sekali daripada menaruh hati

fb bukan tempatnya untuk cari calon isteri lagi – NGERTI?
......
......
fb simply bukan tempatnya.. NGERTI?!!!@$%#^%$^&$!!!! *kalau mau gw bisa aja lapor ke kantor polisi @ sexual harassment?*

An Unholy Proposal

2010-11-23T12:48:00.001+08:00

..the sort that I have been waiting for so long but NOT from the right person. *Uurghh!!*

What makes it so wrong?

You misinterpreted my warmth and friendliness with something else. I thought I was only closing the gap between the administrative staff and the academics. I treated you no different from the way I talked to (or eat together with) the office driver (not that I am looking down on the person and the job but the driver was of different race and married too) and others.

You dare to think that you are only wanting to help me - an unmarried (yet!) lady – before I reach 40 and become more desperate? Oh P.L.E.A.S.E…….

You make it such that the ‘blessed invite’ came from your wife? You think I’m that stupid?

You think highly of yourself – at least I dare to be open & honest *konon* - so you proposed to me during office hour at my office? I might be slow in terms of responding but... man, what you did is totally not honourable!!

You thought and did sweetened the ‘whole deal’ by offering me packet of cucur udang which I ate before the you came clean? Not that I need to worry about black magic since:

…But they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah's permission. And they learned what harmed them not what profited them. And they knew that the buyers of (magic) would have no share in the happiness of the Hereafter. And vile was the price for which they did sell their souls, if they but knew! (Holy Quran: Baqarah #102)

God, please..

I am looking for a simple guy..

2010-10-25T13:46:00.002+08:00

..who is ‘able to respond’. (define 'responsible')

1. Was it too much to ask for a half-gentleman? At the very least, I had started the ball rolling for you..I made the first call, left a message..and all you can messaged much later was that, “Sorry2x..tengah khusyuk tengok bola?” Prftttttt!!

2. (A variation of the ‘same theme’ in fb: Prfttttttttttt!!!!)

3. Was it too much to ask for you to answer that One Single Question? After all, you did answer all the rest of my insubstantial questions. No answer is already an answer by itself, I guess..(Yes, rad who is 'always jump into conclusions..'). No need to come back looking for me the next day, as if nothing had happened, and said, “Apa cer?” Prfttttttttttt!!!!

4. Was it too much to ask for a half-sensitive decent guy? I know everyone nowadays come with emotional baggages…yes, even a metrosexual guy like you. Do you have to read too much into my statements? Maybe I need to a have a permanent sign on me, “Rad who is always putting her foot in her mouth!” Prfttttttttttt!!!!

5. And there were you, yes YOU - the one over there. Did you know that I have make peace with myself, forgive you (even if there is nothing to forgive according to your standard) deleted you from my YM (after sending you an email a long, long time ago (and no reply), thanking you for the supports & prayers so far), and think of all the goods things that may happen to you? Was it fair to me when you simply came out of the blue in YM & say, “Salam rad…” and left me waiting for 2 nights & days (spoilt my whole weekend too with needless anticipation) for your respond to a simple question, “Where are you now?” All I thought was, “Now, we can be friends…at least!” Prftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!

Honestly, don't you bother now...I gave up!

Happy-HAPPY moments!

2010-10-10T14:56:00.003+08:00

MasyaAllah & alhamdulillah so far....

Tragedi 30 Mei 2010

2010-06-20T14:30:00.009+08:00

My last fb update on May 30th @8:39am:

..perfect weather for cruising on da hi-way! Current pit stop @bangi

Fb's status update on June 1st:
Dear family & friends (yg berkenaan), harap bertenang - don't want mak to worry. I'm now MAV-less & 019-phoneless post-one car accident on 30 May, before Kamunting exit. Alhamdulillah no injury either to myself (except for very minor cuts & bruises & major sengalness) or other people. Very much indebted to all my colleagues who helped with police report/wshop/insurance claim/recovery process.

What happang?

..ngantuk ke atau try to beat your time?

..ko melanggar or ko dilanggar?

..kan akak kata jgn tekan 160! take life slow and easy babe.

..since when kau merempit kereta ni?

..kalau aku, paranoid 6 bln from driving ler...

2nd June's update:

..my 019 is back in service. I'm ok really other than some neck pain (kinda whiplash injury). Rest assured that Dr (medical) said no need x-ray or anythg coz kalau melibatkan bone dari awal2 lagi..

4th June's update:

..MAV = total loss? Anybody here working with Etiqa takaful who can help me expedite the process of ethg?

I'm not proud of the above photos at all - the 'split second accident can happen' moments still running thru my mind. How can it happened to me? Me?

So, sebagai pengajaran kepada semua gangster jalanan, minah rempit, Micheal Shumacher wannabe etc. out there:

INGATLAH INSAN YANG TERSAYANG

..KELAJUAN ITU MEMBUNUH

..BIAR LAMBAT ASAL SELAMAT

..SESAL DULU PENDAPATAN, SESAL KEMUDIAN TIADA GUNANYA

"Kita pun buat salah juga. Tuhan nak menegur.....ada silap kat mana-mana. Cuba muhasabah diri..." dialog dari Nur Kasih

Alhamdulillah...

"Maka yang mana satu di antara nikmat-nikmat Tuhan kamu, yang kamu hendak dustakan (wahai umat manusia dan jin)?" Ar-Rahman

To cut short the story:

I've had an accident on 30 May, on the way back to PP. Alhamdulillah I'm ok but the car is not. Still (a long, long..) waiting for the insurance adjuster to come to the panel workshop. Whatever the outcome, then I've a long, long wait for repairs to be done - too many cars-in-waiting or being declared as total loss! Er, not much la considering 8 yrs oredi maaa...

Mamat: tgk gambor macam keta swirl ke kiri, hit something then berpusing 360 in the air, doing nose job with grass, land all 4s. the driver pakai seat belt,kalu tak pakai..lagi nahas...betui ker?

Moi: Er, lebih kurang betui la. Swerved to the left (& hit nothing) in order to avoid hitting the cars in front & on the right lane. According to the tow truck (was I lucky or what? MasyaAllah..) & taxi driver(s) behind me at that time, the car rolled over 2,3 times - down the slope - before it stopped. And yes, alhamdulillah was wearing seat belt.

Mamat: syukur selamat...maksudnya keta yg dipandu dpt markah tinggi dlm roll test n landing all 4s. bravo to proton. perkara nih boleh jadik pada sesiapa pun...thanks, lepas ni saya akan lebih beringat semasa memandu.

Ah-kak: akak tengok ni akak rasa cam nak drive 80km jer! bab roll over tu, ya Allah rad, seb baik u selamat. bab laju slow tu, now you know drive musti slow, jodoh musti laju....he he he, aminnnnn

Moi: It helped that tanah tpt landing jenis sawah & lembut - basah lepas hujan. Ya kawan2, marilah lebih berhati2 semasa memandu! Banyakkan bersabar... *peringatan utk diri sendiri* Kak, actually @my uni dah ada kajian kata 80kmph tu mmg abis efficient lah! hehehe...cumanya kenalah ada teman berborak. Hmmm...that brings second issue to mind - somebody make an appearance again after 2 months *gasp!!* Apakah?

Another friend said: ..the car boleh beli baru kan, tapi rad ada 1 je.. syukur!!

P/s 1: Yup, rad will rempit no more huhuhu..waktu accident tu kan cuma terpikir, kesian kat mak (insan tersayang) kalau saya pergi dulu..

P/s 2: The accident photos tu using my camera but were taken by the tow-truck driver. He said, kena amik pix sebelum boleh alih kereta & I told him to used my camera instead of tunggu polis/PLUS.

P/s 3: Walking to & fro ofc (& hitching rides) are more agreeable to me nowadays!!

-Bekas gangster jalanan, minah rempit, Micheal Shumacher wannabe, stuntwoman etc. who is given a SECOND CHANCE-

So many things on my mind..

2010-05-04T17:43:00.005+08:00

..nothing new there right?

I’ll let you know some secret that I’m supposed to keep tight:

Somebody is addicted to heroine for almost as long as I’ve lived – all tender *ahem!* 34 years. All these while, everybody thought he’s smoking cigarettes only – a heavy-duty chain-smoker. *He quited point-blank*

Somebody has two teenagers who still sleep together with both parents on their king-size bed. Aren’t that worrying? *SOLVED*

Somebody finds love again, for the second time. Problem is the wife has just gave birth to their 4th child. *recalled the love*

Somebody is involved in a love-triangle & live in a make-believe world. He is deeply infatuated with the Heroine while she’s happily in love with the Hero, of course….He said that she’s fat, simply because no other things to say…

Somebody is put in a difficult situation when the wife of a being-consulted person suddenly called & they talked about the third-party, being not that somebody la!
___
I wrote the above entry some time late last year and forgot all about it..even who's who for some of the 'stories' above!
___

I'm trying hard to 'change' for a better me, esp. speak less, slowly & not so loud..

It's embarrassing when people like my colleagues mentioned that they can hear my voice from the top floor when they're in ground floor, or outside my room; friend asking me to 'boleh cakap perlahan sikit tak' over the phone; those who share 'things' with me only to be followed with statement like pls-keep-it-to-yourself etc. etc.

Maybe I need to be back at blogging regularly to sort my jumble up feelings & thinkings, sorta organized everything in a nice compartment...

..hang out my shingle..NOT yet!

2010-05-02T11:16:00.003+08:00

To those (in the same boat) who had followed my 'long-winded journey: 2003-2009, full of self-commenserating & whining blablabla', here is the new beginning!!! It could be yours too.

P/s: Door wide open for business consultation but not medical prescription hehe..

..tonite is the nite!!

2010-04-23T10:32:00.001+08:00

After maghrib, (cue music All-4-One's So Much in Love):
As we strolled along together,
(NO) holding hands walking all along Gurney Drive......
...
As we walked by the sea together,
under stars twinkling high above.....
(talked about relationships in general, marriage in particular)

Maka, kami pon tibalah di Gurney Drive punya tpt makan tu. Cheq dgn muka tak malunya order lah pasemborq (pinggan besar- utk share berdua!), char kue teow & laksa Penang, drinks pon gelas besaq. Sambung sembang tak ingat dunia sampai la dekat 12 mlm kot, tu pon blah pasai gerai2 nak tutup dah.

Then, we strolled back to the hotel (cancelled off taking a cab, not cheapskate lah but to burn more calories).

On the way back tu, the person said, why don't you just stay with me tonite? *Wawawa!!* I already had my overnite bag in my car boot

(To be continued...) Ngantuk la!

Err..

2010-04-13T19:57:00.003+08:00

After I said, "All hope is gone..." somebody told me to give it another try - you know, just be friends, no expectation and things like that.

So, I messaged him on the pretext of asking where to go for early dinner since I've a visitor. I invited him along, and offered to pick him up. Called him to confirm the pick up point.

My special visitor said, given the earlier discreet instruction to 'look him over' during our threesome dinner, "Ok, he passed!" (sort of la, meaning he looks normal, act normal - even cute? hahaha...I couldn't remember exactly)

Only that it took him three weeks after that dinner (including thank you message immediately after I sent him home, in front of his gate) to call me again, for breakfast together, yesterday.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of him..

My advisor (you know who you are) said, "Don't superanalyse him...don't be too intense.."

P/s: Someone else is bugging my mind too. Help! I couldn't concentrate..

I tried, honestly I did try hard enough...

2010-03-19T15:23:00.002+08:00

..maybe i was too harsh on him.
..maybe I'm too critical, demanding, picky, choosy or whatever.
..maybe he's testing me now.

So I thought why not give it another chance..

..but then he called me (over the phone), "Babe!" BABE????!!!!!!

Not once, twice.

All hope is gone I guess. *knockforeheadonthewall* Duh2x!

How to guarantee that you won’t be out for a second date with a MATURE lady…

2010-03-13T13:51:00.001+08:00

Say, the two of you are ‘sorta matchmake’ by a concern friend of yours, with your respective blessings.

Given the distance in the locations, you, all the way from KL, agreed immediately (1 Bonus point here– don’t waste anymore time with IM, SMS or phone calls) for a meet up after office hour on a work day, in Kajang. Extra bonus point for you!

However,

1. when you arrived late, blaming the traffic jam (nothing new there!) and in such a bad mood…*who could you blame?* It spoilt the (date) mood too – DEDUCT 1 point

2. when you asked direction from parking place to the restaurant without giving your coordinate, must you blamed her for giving the wrong directions and thus making you ran around in circle? After all, she’s not familiar with the shopping complex too – DEDUCT another point

3. when you barged ahead, I repeat - on the first date, about getting married straight away… DEDUCT another point

4. when you asked details about her car and housing loans and then mentioned about your limo-for-rental business and how you take a bank loan using the matchmaker name since you name has been blacklisted which mean blablablah…DEDUCT 10 points & ..

*Quick2x! Run for cover!!*

How not to be a gentleman..

2010-03-09T07:46:00.002+08:00

..in asking for a woman's hand in marriage.

Say, you're a divorce male, and also an upstanding man in the community, in your 50s and the woman in question is a spinster in her mid 40s. You're shy thus when people starts 'matchmaking' the two of you together, you encouraged them by saying, "Yes, do proceed..."

So these middle persons, mind you - there's not only one but 3 altogether, did ask the lady subsequently, whether she's interested and yes, she's (Why not? Here is a 'good catch'!)! At the same time, you started to pass by the house in the evenings, making eyes at each other during community gatherings - it's obvious and people do noticed. Alas, being the man in your position, you've admirers, one or two, who also like to be your wife and thus the start of bad-mouthing others...

Which is still okey until you suddenly announced that you're getting engaged to another lady from the same community!

It boggled my mind on thinking how dare you started something, making the lady to start hoping and everything and to hear about the engagement news from a third, totally unrelated party...

How not to succeed in attracting the fickle-minded opposite sex..

2010-03-07T17:29:00.002+08:00

..who is old and mature enough to know what she wants..

Dude, after a couple of meets up for drinks, you:

1. asked her out again by saying: jom gi dating nak?
Ans: Euwwwww…you think I’m still in my 20 or something?

2. sakit leher & tengkok so asked her to picit your leher?
Ans: Who do you think you are???!!!

3. asked her to pick you up (not once).
Ans: Hellloooo, if you can not be a gentleman, then can you please act like normal person? Each drive his/her own car la…

4. asked her out at 1030pm on a working night?
Ans: Dude, seriously, your timing is totally messed up!

5. started to use ‘my dear’ (still acceptable since maybe you’re the product of Brits education but I noticed from last time that only the old folks that I met up at the newsagent, co-op and such who used such endearment!) but ‘hye darling’??
Ans: Seriously dude, I wonder whether there’s hope for you yet?

6. signed up at the end of your msg with your ‘title’.
Ans: You think I’ll be easily sway by that? You’re dead wrong! *play music Shania Twain's 'That does not impress me much'*

P/s: Am i choosy or what? Huh!

My heart had been taken….

2010-02-10T07:34:00.002+08:00

I went out for a drink with a guy yesterday. He is sort of my colleague but not really a colleague -like same institution but different branches. He has been calling/smsing me for about a month now, asking me out for dinner, lunch & even breakfast – always with other reasons like he’s going to the library near my office, is the library open today (on a public holiday?) & such blablabla…Even though he’s approaching me for the obvious academic reason, some how I feel that is not the only reason why he keeps in touch with me – as was indirectly confirmed today (by his actions & talks).

The thing is, I don’t really feel like going out with him again. The only reason I did so today was that I’m not too sure what was his intention with regards to me – maybe mere colleagues? Being about the same age (he’s younger than me by a year but more senior in office), same qualifications (different field), single & looking for a serious relationship –we look like a perfect match!

But there’re these little things that annoy me. Things like snobbish attitude (e.g. when I suggested we go to the nearest café on campus (it's during office hour) & he said that was for those at technician level); cocksure attitude, showing off his new handphone (one of two; and said bad things about the one that I have), even his spec, hairstyle - are a big turn off! Not to mention a sign of a paunch! If you think that I’m only looking at the superficial side of him, how about this:
1. He’s staying with his parents.
2. He’s the eldest, with a younger bro & a sis. No kampung.
3. His mom still needs to remind him to take his vitamins every morning.
4. He’s not interested in anything that I’ve mentioned about my interests: going places, playing tourist & taking photos; exercising, big family/kids scares him, etc.
5. He has a tendency to be a road bully, I think.

Am I being picky, choosy here? (Do remember, at my age – a beggar cannot be chooser!)

But then, the guy that kept on coming up in my head as the basis for comparison is bald (half of the time I knew him, he had shaved his head), anak emak, also came with a lil’ paunch, and in contrast was totally not confident…

…so I guess my heart had been taken & no longer mine to give!

If only he (the latter) knew what he’s missing…
(I’m sure he’s happier now with his loved ones)
If only he knew how I miss him so…
(there are still times my tears drop when I think of him, which is quite often)
If only I can move on…
(oh come on rad, it has been more than a year now)
If only..
If and only if…

Oh, what a small world indeed!

2009-12-28T08:53:00.001+08:00

Prelude
I was waiting for that moment, wearing my finest dress, inside a car beside the mosque, when a particular person in wedding finery too walked by on my side of the car. Suddenly, my heart beat quicken. All I saw was his backside, but my oh my – don’t I noticed that ever before! The glid of his body..the way he moved – there’s only so much of him that I can forget.

.......

Epilogue
I was the bride...
He was the groom...
We’re together in the same ceremony..
But we’re fated not meant to be (married to one another)!

P/s: How can it be eh?

L-Life’s update..

2009-12-15T17:07:00.004+08:00

Q. Why is it that a guy thinks that he'll get some sympathy by declaring that he's orphan?
A. Hey, at our old-AGE, that’s nothing new!

Q. Why is it always happen that A pursues B while being pursued by C? How this ringless circus is confusing me?
A. The circus stops when one meets The One.

Hehehe...I've 2 phone numbers & 2 email account (at least) for now - the perfect recipe for playing fun eh? *so that I can separate my life into two different personae*

..be still my heart..

Considering...married life post-poligamy (part II)

2009-11-15T19:50:00.002+08:00

Note: Of course, not based on my personal experience but merely close observation of (and interaction with) people surrounding me.

Berlaku adil
This is the hardest part actually. Paying mere lips service is not enough. Although this is what any man will promise to their first wife & kids: a night here, a night there blablablah.

Let’s assume that you (The Superior Male) have the true intention of fulfilling the said promise. The circumstances leading to you marrying a younger second wife normally end up with a much younger family unit too – in terms of having kids/babies. Unless you prearrange before hand, not to have kids at all with the second wife (which of course will leads to her to leaving you behind)! For female, having kid(s) is kind of like a guarantee for the husband to be responsible & tied down to the marriage.

So, the second wife with your baby in tow now. And tonight is the first wife’s turn. As per advise by the good people, never put your wives altogether under one roof, you soon arrived on the doorstep of the first wife after a long, tired day at work. Your kids with the first wife are much older and independent by now who can play by themselves – no more crying jag, nor demanding much of your attention – you’re in a bliss - happy, HAPPY. Your phone rang & it was from your second wife: Your youngest ‘un is sick!

What to do?

Being your second wife, she deserved to have the father of the baby to come around and bring her to clinic for treatment. Unless, you think…(let's not go into that one now).

Being a man, who faced the dilemma of going home to either your first wife (who is older in terms of ‘history together’, physically less attractive relative to the younger& newer wife (masih bergetah kata orang), emotionally drain (although no fault of her) etc OR your second wife who is like a brand new toy – so much buttons to discover (hic!)…which one would you choose tonite? Hehehehe..no joke!

Kemampuan Berlaku adil
Is it possible for you to be fair & fully be responsible in both marriages given that:

a) You have 4 kids with the first wife & now saying you want only a kid with the second wife? Adil means equal on both sides!
b) You have take-home income of say, around RM1500 per month, is it enough to live comfortably in the city? Or are you going to be depended upon your wives’ (much higher - if you’re a lucky sod!) income to help support the household expenditure?
c) You still have few unsettled loans – study loan, personal loan, credit cards overdue….like ada hati nak tukar enjin kereta baru (Mitsubishi Evo fuhh!), latest gadgets/accessories esp handphone, laptop etc. Sorry beb, kok ada sape2 yang terasa
d) You still miss the obligatory prayers from time to time especially subuh, can you answer to that in the Hereafter? How about your responsibility of leading your one wife & kids to Jannah? Have them enjoy a better life (annual vacation asides from raya blk kpg holiday) in this worldly world?
e) You being the typically last-man-standing-Malay male who don’t even know to wash after your own cup & dish, or clean up after your own self – never help much around the house, not even looking after the crying baby while your wife is cooking, waking up in the middle of the night to change nappies or feeding your baby, after all that is what your wife are for right???? A personal mother-cleaner-helper all roll into one!

P/s: I just wrote whatever that I've in mind - I know a bit unstructure, berterabur. I can't wait for a book: 'Bahagiakan Dirimu dgn Satu Isteri' all the way from Indonesia! ;-)

Whom I met during the recent 2 weeks 'study' leave...in October!

2009-11-15T19:38:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah & thank you to all my friends – it was nice meeting you people:

The latest series of escapades started with me venturing out to Bukit Mertajam on my own and met a Datin who is really my new friend’s (friend of my friend - long story here) mother. Lucky I did my normal routine (especially when in doubt) of not addressing people directly in making small talks. Thus, “Apa khabar?” instead of “Apa khabar makcik?” I asked my friend (not the friend’s friend) regarding about the proper way of addressing her – actually we both had met her, the Datin, earlier in BBB. She told me to use kak, not datin nor makcik! And the husband as Tuan Haji. I’m not comfortable really in meeting titled or rich and famous people – call it reverse discrimination if you like! I know, they’re normal human being just like you & me but the pressure of knowing what to do and not to do in their presence….

Met my ex-primary school friend at my neighbour’s daughter’s wedding. I kind of already expected to see him and thus when I stayed back after the merenjis session to provide 'A free service by an amateur wedding photographer' (there’s a professional and paid one – a girl actually so I kinda stick around to check out her work hehehe and learn by imitation!) the groom mentioned about his brother who were around & thus I called him out and asked him to sit beside me. Ray (fuyoo! complete with coloured hair sebijik macam Along the money lender - not my eldest bro!) said, “Wah, rad (using my full name lah) dulu bukan main pemalu orangnya..”
Er, I remember hiding in the bathroom during an Eid visit by him and gang and later being teased mercilessly by my siblings. I can count using one hand how many times I brought home my friends to meet the family, even female ones.

On Saturday, R arranged for girly dates among her friends including me so I got to meet Sarah again (who is my friend now), Zura for the first time (our friendship starts from fb; she comes to Penang from time to time so…endless possibility!) and Suhana who was R’s ex-student. The topics of conversation range from somebody’s first time spa experience & comparison with Bangkok’s etc.; the Halal Development Corporations (HDC) – eh, halal ke makanan kat hotel tu? Where should HDC be put under - MITI?; how to apply GSTL and how it works; somebody’s NY trip; what a nice & crunchy popiahs (whether we should try the weird-sound choc-popiahs – what?); nasi campur yang tak sedap (my contribution) etc.

At the same time, finally, my other friend, Ifa, caught up with me (after a couple of missed calls) so I arranged to meet her and an old dear friend (L) and two other friends at her place immediately following the girly lunch. She (L not Ifa) asked for advices in doing PhD so I launched into my prepared speech with gusto which cover everything from relationship with supervisors and ‘previous hot gossips’ that is coming to the surface again; personal relationship and so forth which kinda not sit nicely with my friend (Ifa not L) who is also stuck in doing her phd on a part-time basis.

On Sunday, I went for visits at two of my sisters’ house. I brought along B for lunch at my eldest sister – her version of nasi ayam – as her way of saying thank you to B for putting up with me all this while. To be followed by a nasi minyak at B’s colleague wedding in Sendayan where I got to meet her ‘famous’ other colleagues; Hisham and Fadhil – rupa ada tapi mulut mcm puaka hehehe. Later that night, they all went out for bowling while I was stuck in the house concentrating on my thesis correction! What a price to pay for all the plays!

Last night, I joined B in meeting up our ex-secondary school mates, P, A, W.Setan & wife. I told B that I wanted to prove to myself especially that going out with male friends is a normal process instead of making it special occasion like dating he-who-shall-not-be-named-here. Obviously the 3 guys have heard about me being ‘makwe’ (Euwwwww!!!!) of he-who-shall-not-be-named-here. I’ve nothing to hide so I told them that under normal circumstances (meaning if I wasn’t in pissed poor mood after the latest break-in-relationship) there’s no way I could have entertained him at all! But thanks to him, now I feel this need to shout out to people & get notice! The topics of conversation range from sailing experience, life on shipboard (can jog mah!), car-theft attempt by a car wash (Jet Steam Spa?) at Alamanda, catering business from Alor Star to KL, and mostly about night life in the boys’ hostel last time. Honestly, I didn’t know that they could cook roti canai, burger etc using electric iron! (they somehow used the washed cover of metal bin in place of a pan), ‘fly’, getting into the girls’ dormitory at night (cringe in horror!)l who’s getting suspended for what, mentioned names of few guys true colours like a supposed ‘imam’ who watched blue movies (horror!), homosexual activities (imagine a macho boy being ‘kena’ – why didn’t he simply kick him? Remained a mystery til now.), etc. It was like there was a whole and complete structure of a ‘shadow government’ running the welfare of the boys in making sure the whole process of bullying by the seniors, the business of making money – taking order/request for stolen girls’ panties (from the individual locker -for extra Umpph!- instead of those hanging out to dry) like RM2 for the top, RM5 for the bottom and added extra RM2 for used ones! – etc. To say that I was surprised (on finding out about all that now) was a bit too mild I guess! Even the wardens and head prefects were sorta in the know. All I could say was, when did you guys sleep or study then?

Eating me up inside..

2009-11-11T16:02:00.001+08:00

Try to forgive but still can't forget!

(Issues &) How easy it is to practice polygamy – A male point of view

2009-09-29T08:16:00.003+08:00

Note: I’m writing this piece based on my observations & open talks with two guys who is closely related to me & also their kids respectively.

There’re similarities & differences between the two polygamy-scenarios.

Both guys married for the second time in secret from the whole extended family (parents & siblings from both sides). Each of them married for the 1st time of their own choosing, going through the normal process: berchenta, bawa balik jumpa keluarga & now settled down, having grown-up kids.

A much older Guy A married a much younger divorcee (with one kid from earlier marriage) from Batam (kawen sempadan), in secret from the first wife. They met in a karaoke club while he was entertaining clients (Why? WHY? …in the the 1st place? Not that I’m judging him here!) & she used to work there to earn a living. The ex-husband is asking her for lots of money by threatening to sell her baby (at that time). So, being a manly man, Guy A felt the need to be A Knight in Shining Armour & rushed to the rescue. Now that had happened, the Very Supportive Surrounding Male-Friends urged him: “Eh Mat, takkan tolong percuma saja. Alang2 tolong tu, kau kawen terus dgn dia…..”

A younger Guy B married a lil’bit older divorcee with no kid. Same thing, some thing to do with Ingin Menolong Golongan Wanita yang Lemah, Teraniaya blablabla……but since they’re all professional & work in the legal system, he somehow followed the legal procedure by getting permission from the 1st wife. Here is the catch – usually, (permission for) polygamy is allowed or granted (different according to state-syariah law like S'gor here) if the guy/husband can prove to court the need to take a second wife, like maybe the 1st one incapable of being Kids-Breeder (example only) for him, tak cukup memberikan kasih-sayang etc. etc AND also kemampuan zahir (financially) & batin (ADIL???). In his case, he said (in court): There’s nothing lacking with his 1st wife, his love for her doesn’t diminished even one bit (after 3 kids & years of marriage; from rags to riches moments..) BUT…there’s still a place in his heart for ONE more person to be loved!

Ok, so that’s the Best-Happy part. To be continued….What happened in reality: Post-Poligamy.

MyEG - bad service experience

2009-09-16T17:12:00.002+08:00

Dear Sir/Madam,

It's my first time using your MYEG services today.
I had problem in Step 6 (out of 7) in making payment for the auto insurance using the FPX method - supposedly there are 3 online receipts at the end; the FPX - OK , the bank-CIMB - OK & the merchant side - PROBLEM WITH YOUR TRANSACTION. CROSS-CHECK ACCOUNT BEFORE REINITIATING TRANSACTION.

I checked my online bank a/c plus I also contacted Etiqa & eventually confirmed that payment has been deducted.

The same thing happened for the JPJ's road tax renewal.

Since I don't know whether both transactions have been completed or NOT, & call (many times) to 0378018888 wasn't pick-up at all, I went to the nearest e-services centre @ Sg Dua, Penang to ask for help.

The lady in-charge was so rude when I asked her to check whether my transaction was completed, i.e. in the system. This was more or less what she said:
Do you know that I have to check beribu2 transaction (based on car plate no.) just to find your plate no?
(And I did offer her my other info to facilitate her search.)

It is her job isn't it?? Otherwise, she can always tell me earlier that it's not within her job description! Or simply no help from them.

My point is,
when I finally managed to get somebody from HQ (goes by the name Fazrul or something?), he checked my plate no & easily told me that the payment is stucked @JPJ or something - so the lady must be NOT making any serious effort in trying to help solve my simple problem at all.

I'm sad to say that the company's staff mentality towards what constitute good-customer services (as experienced) is TOTALLY LACKING as basic courtesy went down the drain. Even repeated calls to so-called hotline wasn't pick-up, reason being - engaged??!!! I guess your company is NOT ready yet to provide excellent e-service to the public. PLS improve first, starting from your human resources!

Thank YOU for your kind attention.

Sincerely & with my deepest regret,

Terkilan

2009-09-06T10:24:00.002+08:00

When my simple action might be misunderstood.

I love coming to my office even on weekends as home is simply where I take my rest & rilex.

In my so-called 'previous life' - I did the same too! My friends & family can attest to that fact.

Do I have to explain everything to you/everybody who is around?

Can we please let go of this 'what a small-world mentality' as 2 plus 2, in this case, certainly doesn't necessary mean 4 (to me!)!!!

The (Un-)Official Result

2009-08-31T13:20:00.002+08:00

One of my bro said (this is with regards to efforts to reconcile current 'siblings' rivalries' which is obviously quite normal I guess for a dynamic, large family like mine but still make mak very, vey sad & thus a final verdict of no family gathering during this Ramadhan or the coming Eid month-long celebration),
"...you don't know how it feels to be hurted so deeply by someone you love (& hold dear to your heart)..."

All I was thinking inside,
"Yeah, you're right!!" *Please note the use of sarcasm here*

Yes we all know that it won't hurt so much if there wasn't so much love involved.

Well, what is it that I'm trying to say here?

The fact that I vivaed recently & passed with some minor correction but somehow the feeling of being elated, reaching the pinnacle of my laborious efforts all these years (more than 6 to be exact!! When others easily finished in 3!!), are simply not here or there & 'though I'm really happy that mak feels proud of me (if only ayah is still around today, he would has shed some big drops - tears of happiness - so that kinda explained why I easily shed tears too) but why do I still feel empty inside?

No.li.me.ta.nge.re

2009-06-17T13:58:00.002+08:00

Totally not related to 'Noli me tangere' but relevant to my point below:
(From COED) nolens volens
•whether a person wants or likes something or not. Willing or not willing.
____
It was a book title which I did come across long ago – was it primary or secondary school’s history lesson? Can’t remember now. Fast-fast go google!!! A-ha, I found it! Meaning, ‘Don’t touch me’.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:
Noli Me Tangere (commonly referred to by its shortened name Noli) is a novel written in Spanish by Filipino writer and national hero José Rizal, first published in 1887 in Berlin, Germany.
___

I don’t know about you, but I found out pretty much recently that I hated it when people encroach my personal space – you know, the air bubble that surrounds you which is defined as your personal right, even much more - any part of the body. I just love my own space!

At the same time, I can’t deny the fact that I like being hug, touch or pat appropriately. Like a pat on my shoulder literally for a well done job, a hug when I’m down, between family and friends, a little touch here and there…I do love hugging and patting my (still kids) nephews and nieces’ body (it’s encouraged especially for orphans – as a mark of loving attention to them, taught by prophet Muhammad-peace be upon him). Just imagine the cats purring when patted…Oohhh! The feeling is so undescribable! (maybe because I’m not a cat huh? And cats can’t talk anyway.)

What I couldn’t stand is people who literally touch me to prove a point or something, many times indeed when I just happened to be the one standing next to her (if man, surely not allowed to touch a non-muhrim kan? No-no, don’t you dare!) while conversing with a few other people. It’s like trying to monopolize my attention, grabbing or directing my attention only to her while others are also deserving of my focus. It’s ok if you do it once or twice in one sitting, but for every sentence uttered? Annoyed the hell out of me as I couldn’t focus on the conversations (my thought keep on straying to, “No-No, do not touch me!!!” Once. Twice… Soon to be followed by, “Hiyakkkk!!!” *uncontrollable chopping motions or flying kicks – dream on!*

What more can top that detestable action? When you, a mere colleague, suddenly decided to be superfriendly lovey (In Public?) by hugging my waist (or the lack of it). Why was there a need to show that we’re goody-buddy?

One of my sister, definitely she wasn’t born with such ‘gene’ otherwise I would have fallen victim to it myself. However, I notice in recent years that she has the tendency to do the same – maybe the results of too much lepakking with her ‘kind of neighbours’ – you know, friendly to a point of ‘getting under each other skins’ – euww…. If only I could tell her (without hurting her feeling), “Just stop it willya?”

I’m really getting to a point of no return where I might live to regret my action or disavow few colleagues/friends/family members…help!

P/s: I don’t know whether you notice this already or not, I’ve been repeating, ‘you know - I don’t know…’ Doesn’t it just annoy you deep down inside??

A-ha!! That is exactly what I’m feeling….

Masih Sayang

2009-06-09T17:40:00.002+08:00

Amboi.......sedap2 mulut aje depa berkata2 ye?

I (MN messaged yesterday)
"...sampai hati kau buat aku camni.
besar sangat ke salah aku pada kau?
tapi, aku masih sayangkan kau."

II (during chat with BP today)
"...I tak nak dengar benda2 buruk berlaku
i sayang u..."

Wawawawa...remind me of F.R. David's song lyric:

"...There's (no) hidden meaning you know
When I say I love you honey
Please believe I really do cause

Words, (don't) come easy to me
How can I find a way to make you see I Love You
Words (don't) come easy..."

If you still wonder why did I still 'entertain' them - I've a hidden agenda!!
Oh God, please make me strong enough...& determined to succeed!

What a small world indeed!

2009-06-07T17:24:00.004+08:00

I was away for the past one whole week - to present ONLY one paper (kepoh je yang lebih!) at A Beach Resort with the Largest Pool area in the East Coast hehehe...(but lain2 perkara adalah hampeh - takde bintang langsung kot!)
So I had to give a rather important occasion a miss! That occasion marked the start of my new academic year as a 'teacher'.

Given the availability of free wifi @the conference venue, i took the opportunity to keep in touch with friends on fb (while attending the sessions)...imagine my surprise when a friend told me that somebody was looking for me in campus. Er, actually he first saw me in the students' directory. When finally we managed to get in touch:
"..saja drop by your office (after 14 years tak jumpa). You are NOT one of my teacher right?" *add a nervous laugh here*
Well, thank God - I'm NOT. I'm already nervous enough as it is...to start teaching again, mature students, in Malay some more etc. Now, add to that a familiar face? Kawan sepermainan dulu2? Ewwwwwww.....

BTW, another point worth mentioning is when I started my master programme (a long, long time ago) I was in the same cohort (for Micro class) with my ex-lecturer for one of my first year degree papers. Awkwardness ruled the days....but I felt deeply honoured to be in the same class with her - after all, she's one of the best! Sad to say, somehow she didn't quite manage to complete her DBA due to reasons *better leave unspoken*. I still admire her to this day!

Self-Sabotage

2009-05-25T18:02:00.003+08:00

Still on the topic of my so-called love- or loveless life. In case you’re thinking that my life only revolves around that Mimpi Ngeri episode – OH NO!!!

Let’s put him (MN) where he belongs ok – The Unmentionable PAST!
As for The Blast from the Past (BP) – no swaggering from you my dear, coz - well, you’re Only A Friend now…

Ok, re: Calon-calonnya…..
Status updates
No 5: The matchmaker from my side decided to withdraw the ‘offer’ to consider for My Hand-in-Marriage since the matchmaker from the other side turns to be too…how to describe eh? She asking whether I’m pretty (Yes, I am – ahaks! *muahahahahahaha*), tall, qualification etc. etc.
According to her (the matchmaker from my side), “… lainlah the prospect tu bujang, tall, dark & handsome!!! Eiiii….”.
Fine by me…

No 4 is now in my fb-friends list…hehehe…at the time where I was seen busy online – flirting & provoking, going out for date(S) and ‘scared out of my pants’ with MN’s tricks! Didn’t look good on him, do I? He gave me his number (& I gave him mine) but…Naaaahhhh (he already annoyed me)!!!!!! But continue-chatting we did every now & then, daily...
*Wave hand to 'Selamat Pagi Cinta'!!!!!!!!*

And, in case you’re thinking that my life only revolves around finding that Elusive Effigy – Naaahhhhhh…I’ve decided to keep my professional life *Ahem!* far separated from my personal ramblings here…

My loungingbythebeach&poolside@midnite-date (you know who you are *wink2*) from the other night said that I’m an INTENSE person – shall I take it as a compliment?? Hahaha….

Dignified Silence

2009-05-24T17:22:00.005+08:00

It's hard to maintain A Dignified Silence when all I wanna say to him is:
Bugger off dude!!
Mimpi Ngeri?? MERDE!!! *pardon my french*

But, but...excusez moi, since it came from a 'daughter of a bitch' - yup, it's moi!!! That's what he said, the 'Least Incriminatory Compliments' due to me simply from 'All the Things that I DID to HIM' (????)

P/s: At time like dis, I am sure you already wonder What Did I See in Him before??? Urggghhhh......

Tuhan lebih tahu...

2009-05-23T12:37:00.002+08:00

Salam & greetings,
I know I'm not supposed to get scared of anything, Tuhan kan menjaga hamba yang sentiasa ingat padaNya. Tapi b/mana dgn waktu2 yang I leka & lalai?

I think u know what I mean...this is just for a record!

BTW, I've increased my privacy level w.r.t him - what he can see of me in fb. Maybe I'm getting paranoid here but better be safe than sorry. Do send me private msg (email/sms etc) instead of writing on da wall ok.

____

To Mimpi Ngeri,
What do you want from me? Whatever that I've wrote here, however distorted, maniacal, one-sided etc. is totally about me (& how I feel), not YOU. The people here do not know of you - in real life.

Something BIG (for me lor)..

2009-05-22T17:58:00.004+08:00

...that happened last Sunday.

There's A Wedding.

Which I attended only lah...not being the main participant!
*I know what you think up there!!* hehehe

Due to heaviness of my stomach that immediate followed after the consumption of The Wedding Feast (best2!), I decided to spend time at the office (nearby) instead of went back home straight to bed (urghhh!!! the temptation was too great!) and stayed VISIBLE online (which I seldomly did coz it's not safe, well..you know!)....

Only to be greeted nicely by that Blast from the Past (hereinafter labelled as BP) whom I had already deleted from my YM list. BTW, please note that he's the one who came into my life (wawawa...so dramatic!) way before the Mimpi Ngeri (MN) episode.
____
Part III: Bermain Dengan Api

.....
rad: tu la you, dulu I ajak kawin taknak hahahaha
*gelak cover line ni, in case you didn't notice*
bp : i nak tapi
bp : i takut masalah kemudian hari
bp : jadi sebab tu i kata berkawan dulu
rad: sayang semuanya sudah terlambat..
*background music of the said song by Ibn*r Reza*
bp : ada jodoh tak kemana
bp : oo ye ke
bp : kita muda lagi kan
bp : ada anak at 40 masih ok
rad: untuk you jodoh you, untuk I - jodoh I ok
*dengan penuh penyerahan dan kepasrahan pada Tuhan Yang Esa*
bp : janji duit cukup untuk mereka
bp : ok
bp : oo nak lawan Tuhan ye
bp : >:)
rad: bukan
bp : tahu takut
rad: I can 'read' into the future
bp : oo bagus
bp : ajar i how to read
rad: bagi I, takkan dah ludah nak jilat balik kan-kan?
bp : mah*thir ok la jilat balik
bp : i tak ludah lagi
rad: honestly
bp : ye
rad: what happened or not happened before this
rad: nothing to do with you
rad: but I was so hurt so there're Promises I Made to Myself
bp : between u n me?
rad: nope, there wasn't 'you & me' at all
rad: I realized all along, it was only me & my problem
bp : tak faham
rad: whatever lah
rad: kita berkawan
rad: i takmo ada ruang utk salah paham
.....
_____

...that opened up A Floodgate of Strong Emotions from me. If only he knew what he's asking...

_____

As a logical, practical & rational Economic person, I know what am I doing & supposed to do next BUT..
maybe you (yes YOU, my gentle & kind reader, if any, hahahaha) can tell me a thing or two??

Bermain dengan api - Part II

2009-05-21T17:50:00.001+08:00

Pesanan Penaja: It has come to my attention (ya-ya, finally...*sigh* thx to Andrea & AZ) that my comment box has been unabled or something. I'll see what I can do ya..
_____
Prologue:

The comment that I left on my Partner-in-crime's (a SHE) fb-wall:
...I pun kena kuar berpoya2 mlm ni *nak kasitau je sebeno2nya* hehe...I've got a date!! kansel paper, kansel jog!! (13 May)

So, on 14th May:
she: so, amacam date last nite? buat i suspen ni...
rad: Hehehe...i like!!!
rad: Bercanda di pasiran pantai after supper @mamak, lepakking on da hotel lounge with the beach in front of us & the pool at the back - wonderful sea breeze (er, someone said bayu darat lah!), we discussed the 'state of marriage' & all in between - what else? *wink2*
she: wow! wow! wow my friend..haha..u ni biar betul??? i hope ur date last nite is straight..hehe..
she: btw, saja nak cakap..i tahu la u memang adore restoran mamak tapi takkanlah dating kat situ jugak kot : P
rad: by d time I reached home, it was pass 1pm - it's worth it!! tho' Im gonna pay d price 2day as not enuf sleep..& pile up works!
rad: Psst!!! I siap goreng maggi lg b4 goin' out - taknak la appear kelaparan sgt kan..control ayu wokeh!
she: err, u mean 1am? biar betul rad...tapi tak apa, as long as u treasure it..sebagai kawan, i doakan yang terbaik utk u.. (ish, u ni betul ke main2 ni? menyampah!)
rad: I told d whole truth, and nothin but d truth!
rad: eh salah type - 1am!
she: ish ish..benefits of the doubt (macam tak caya..caya..)
rad: Well...apsal tara mau pecaya? Sungguh tau, I did all that - my jeans still wet & splattered with fine sand. Even met org Iran hehehe..one of d 2 persons there can attest to that fact here
rad: Oklah, think abt it *eceh!!!* I gotta work now....
she: haha...tunggu, i akan siasat betul2 kesahihan cerita u ni..tunggu ya ; )
____
What comes to your mind after reading that? So, rad has a (new) bf now?? Opps! You didnt know me that well....
____
In-between the prologue & epiloge episodes, me & she continued our 'online flirting/provocation'. Hehehe..totally unplanned, no specific strategies involved or any objectives. After all, we're on the same wavelength *wink2*.

Something BIG happened on Sunday, 17th May (preceding the Epilogue)... *comin' up next!!!*

Bermain dengan api kah?

2009-05-20T12:19:00.000+08:00

Bermain dengan api? Serampang dua mata? Meghoyan???
___
Epilogue (Meghoyan kot?! daripada kata dasar: royan)

Somebody's fb status:
ppuan kalau dh belajor tinggi melangit bangunannya, mmg berlagak semacam jerkkk...menyampah tGok....citarasa tinggi la, nk setaraf la, bla...bla...bla... huhhhh...Mon 20:07

Followed by his own comments:
hasilnya....sorang2 jugak melayari bahtera kehidupan seorG andartu yg eGo tahap harimau bintang... haha 20:10
bila x paham apa yg kita pelajari, blh menyebabkan seseorg TERSALAH TAFSIR apa yg berlaku. 20:13
pegilah cari apa yg dihajatkan pada teorinya...dah kene buku dgn ruas,,, PADAN MUKA !!! eeeiiiiiiiiiiiiii, meluat luat aku tGok hinggakan nk pijak2 je kepalanya rasa.20:15
chinese said... ley ham ka channn lorrrr !!!20:16

Seseorang akhirnya telah mencelah:
sabar X .... apa masalah anda yg sebenarnya??? pm aku Bro....

Dan ini jawabnya:
xdak prob bro ! luahan rasa terhadap seorg yg bergelar `andartu` ! x sedar diri diuntung... what da bloody hell !!!
____
Persoalannya: Perlukah aku terasa?? Jeng3x...

Earlier on, I was alerted by an sms: fb profile n.a. (kena godam???)? are u ok? si X ngamuk2 kat wall post. nape? (referring to the above status update)

Shud I go back to what I did in fb last week??? Hehehehe..it's getting hot 'ere - panaaaaZZZZZZZZ!!

Psst!! The Prologue will come out soon, stay tuned!!!

Dan calon-calonnya adalah…drum roll please…

2009-04-30T08:08:00.000+08:00

Updated:
Matchmaker # 4: Finally, she reported (after almost a month) that my email add had been safely delivered to the intended person. Hmmm...are we back to the Snail Mail era??

Matchmaker # 5: Same as above, she told me (after a week) that my no had been pass over to the concerned sister ONLY...

Aiyoyo!!!At this rate we're goin' & mind you - my AGE..I might as well *censored!*...

Matchmaker # 7: The person who is, perhaps, reading this..well, maybe it's YOU! or YOU! or another YOU! Whoever lor...
___
Foreword:
I’ve been reminded again and again by people from near & far (in terms of their blood ties to me), now that The End is near, my focus should be to find myself a calon suitable for marriage & to settle down nicely. Kacang je??
__

After almost (& only) 3 months at a new workplace (& everything), here is the list:

1. A day before I was scheduled to travel up north for long-term permastautinan, my sis informed me (but it’s supposed to be a secret still) of effort by her & hubby to match me with the hubby’s superior’s wife’s brother who is still single at the ripe of after-40. The reason being he was busy finishing his Ph.D before and now busier with climbing the corporate ladder (I did peep into his online organization’s chart – for the sake of ‘research’ ok). According to my sis’s hubby’s superior’s wife who acts as The Concerned Matchmaker, he wants someone who can cook exactly like his mom. As if…*lets not go into that murky water*. Anyway, my sis told her that while I’m far from being called a master cook but definitely no one will go hungry with the things that I CAN cook. So, the other side asked for my pix & phone no…and thus the waiting begun...(I hate this) only to be told in passing after a month & a half later that he’s not interested in me. Or marriage (am not to sure). No harm done.

Psst! He even rejected a woman who is rich enough to own & send him a heli to pick him up for a date. Wow!!

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Be more selective. Only introduce those singles that are earnestly looking & wanting to pursue marriage. Tak semestinya ada sijil tinggi pun.

2. During the early days at my new workplace (and way before that Mimpi Ngeri episode) one of my colleagues who is not only satisfied in enquiring the details of my single status, she kindly mentioned of a bachelor in her residential area who is a friend to somebody yang ada bau2 bacang to her and immediately asked for my permission for you-know-what lah. After much hee-haw & in between, I found out that the guy is way younger than me (well, Im in my mid 30s in case you’re wondering, born in mid 70s vs the guy’s mid 80s – must be that I look young eh? Woohoo!) who has a degree, currently unemployed but seeking to further his study.

By this time, the mimpi ngeri had started…with another guy lah.

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Only those yang dah baligh ya. Terima kasih.

3. May be I should honourably mention a still-single colleague whose office is just next door to mine. This is dangerous territory indeed but I need to mention it here as I spoke to him already & very direct too about the fact that others in the big office are pointing towards both of us together AND he should never feel uncomfortable in our daily dealings simply due to that cakap2. Apa, depa ingat ini mcm cerita filem P.Ramlee ka? Boleh senang2 pecah dinding tengah tu? Abis tu klu dah gaduh, bertukang pasang balik time tengah malam? Hehehe…
Well..
A. I’m not interested in office romance & subsequently inconvenience,
B. he’s younger a bit.
From snippets of conversation with others:
C. Person One said he’s taken.
D. Person Two told me the circulating gossips about Person One and him and Person Three who had told her that he’s not taken.
E. Whatever lah...sebeno2nya, The Spark is not simply there. No electricity. No chemistry. Should I mention here that we've met like a couple of years before?

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Please be reminded again to avoid unnecessary inconvenience in office surrounding.

4. Due to efforts taken to evade the mimpi-ngeri-person, I had to change my no (& get a new phone too- long story there! And sorry, mak only get my hand-me down but from now on we can chat daily & have no worry hehehe) & reconnect with old friends in the process of updating the said-no. Im not using the free service of blanket/mass sms of my new no since Im still keeping the old no (that against the telco rule) & wanna dissing out some friend’s no. So, this junior friend of mine is surprised (Gasp!) that I’m still single (singlehood is The Theme for today’s entry so bear with me) and excitedly jump on and proposed to me her hubby’s varsitymate who is also in my current neighbourhood & ‘telah banyak kali frust bercinta, habis beribu ringgit dipermainkan oleh wanita’. I give her the consent to pass over my no & also my email. However, I was silenced by the fact that he’s only hitting 30 or so this year! At least she has my no kan?

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Again, yang cukup umur sahaja ya adik.

5. Another concerned colleague (definitely female hehehe) recently dropped by in my room & closed the door (what a significant thing to do! A sure sign of hot gossips ahead) before we had our chat. Straight to the point, her previous neighbour (she knows the whole family, even the skeletons in the closet) and the sister is looking for a candidate for her divorced brother who is a medical doctor (Gasp!). When I asked, the reason for divorced being…I can’t recall already – must be nothing extra-ordinary! They have a 9 yo daughter together…
After my own spats with divorced guys, while I hold nothing against them, I need the reassurance that the tie between the couple has really been severed. Or at least the Ex-wife has remarried (if not dead).
Don’t want to risk myself in being The Orang Ketiga.
Don’t want to hurt myself like before when they did get back together.
It hurts so...
So, I readily jot down & passed over my no & email and still waiting to this day. It has been more than a week so what am I supposed to think?

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Kesiankan kami ibarat menanti buah yang takkan gugur. Hehehe…another thing, tak semestinya same qualification kan?

6. Latest, as of yesterday morning – my immediate neighbour, a happy couple & much blessed with a recently born 4th baby - the wife told me that the hubby mentioned my good name for this guy they’d recently discovered to be divorced (gulp!) during family fathering. He must be their relative then. The reason for divorced stated as the ex-wife tu ‘ada yang tak betul’ – apakah??? My plus point, according to her, is that the mother of the divorced guy is a somebody or sumthg so we can definitely hit on each other. We, as in me (not that Im a somebody yet) and his mom? Hmm..

Note to the concerned matchmaker: Apa2 aje lah..
__

So, an average of two candidates per month – not bad at all huh? Plus another one which is not worth mentioning lah.

P/s: Oh, should I mention about The Blast From The Recent Past who simply appear online again one fine day & acted so blasé as if nothing has had happened between us?? He whom I’d an Out of Body Experience looking down at myself lying broken on the floor, feeling so cold with hot tears streaming down my eyes…I’m still hurting.

Never ever again!! *insert the loudest hand claps here*

Weekend Adventure..

2009-04-24T17:45:00.000+08:00

Senja, Kg Pelek

P.Jerjak, from Bkt Jambul

Treacherous pathway

What's waiting for you up there...

How to put up caption for each pix? Thanks to Marzuki@dilarangmelarang for the relevant info!

Juicy details - part I

2009-04-17T18:13:00.000+08:00

(Released only after certain lag period/embargo)

This entry is dedicated to Manal & others coming from my previous lair - since I promised you guys the so-called juicy details! Hope this is worth bloghopping eh?

As usual, my comments in the brackets.
____

rad: Salam perkenalan. Got your no from dating***.com I’m rad, A/S/L.
guy: Name/A/Location: from bangsar kl work in puchong
rad: Already checked out your profile (duh!). Busy working? ...
guy: …I cuti today just finish main golf (Oh!!)
rad: Handicap? Business or pleasure? …..Any criteria that you’re lookin’ for?
guy: I was married to English but negro so someone who has same sex taste if you know what I mean
rad: Oh. Geddit. You’re outta my league. Thx neway n have fun!
guy: Ok thanks too take care

AND THUS

Take home lessons for today:

First, I thought, “OMG!!!!! What have I done?” I’m never gonna do this ever again.
Second thought, that guy is the most honest man I’ve come across so far. Eventhough, he’s still openly admitted to carry a torch for his ex-wife (by way of comparison - unlike someone I used to know who will vehemently denied this at first only to concede at a later date, at what price? Humph!!).
Third, at least he’s not lying by omission, or trying to cheat/deceive me! (yes, unlike that other person I know) Sorry, I cudn’t help myself from comparing all the guys shortly featured (pun intended) in my life so far.
Forth, most important here - adik-kakak sekalian jangan ikut ye perbuatan yang tidak elok ini! Online dating & yang sewaktu dengannya is real bad!!

Do you (yes, it's YOU!) read me???

2009-04-16T12:36:00.000+08:00

Prologue: My hands are tied - my decision is final & muktamad! (InsyaAllah)
"Pls do not contact me anymore for whatever reasons - saya dah minta maaf & halalkan segala so samalah di pihak awak. 0-0.
If gangguan diteruskan, tindakan susulan akan diambil. Terima kasih."

My final words -
"Segala apa yg pernah saya cakapkan atau kita bincangkan sebelum ini (tentang marriage, kids & future - bleh!) adalah dengan sendirinya terbatal memandangkan ianya berlaku di bawah andaian anda seorang lelaki bujang. Pls la, jgn nak kata saya kejam - sila bertanggungjawab sepenuhnya pada anak bini di rumah - percayalah you won't have time to luahkan kasih-sayang pada sesiapa yg lain pun. Besar harapan saya semoga kehidupan rumahtangga anda laki-bini dapat kembali pulih berpanjangan serta diberkati & dirahmati Allah. Hanya maaf yang saya pinta serta salam pada isteri anda."

Note: Read the 'in brackets' as my comments/thoughts.
______

Thus, I'm really annoyed when you continue to harass me indiscreetly - talk abt bein' friends & professional and such!

BF's fb status: "den nak gak kat budak tu...tak kiro apo nak jadi, jadilah. den tak buleh nk lupokan dia. hatiku dah dicuri sejak 1990-2009 nih!!!

Comments by same circle of frens (hopefully they're NOT in-the-know):

T:... tergelak aku tgk si BF ni ... sakit angau ....
BF: den x dayo la bro... tlglah carikan ubatnya T ! aduii yaiii...(eh, bini dia tak baca ke??)
Y: hantuk palo tu kek dinding BF...
S: sapa la gerangan gadis yg diangaukan tu????
Y: malang betul gadis idaman BF ni... hahahhaha
W: BF...aku tak sangka pulak macam ni ekau yo. Cumo satu yo den nak kato...jika ekau raso layak dan berkemampuan... silakan tapi jika ekau dah kaji other factor yang menjurus pada kesusahan....lupakanlah BF...Dalam dunia ni, pada satu satu peringkat dan situation ada benda yang kita kena let go saja...just let go saja. (Ni dia cth lelaki sejati - bagus!!)
T: aku setuju dgn W .... sokong ... sokong ...
BF: adui yai...patut ehhh korang sbg member den sokong usaha den ni nk mengelakkan kebanjiran kaum hawa kek atas dunia ni yg lum nikah, tp sebaliknya pulak yg berlaku. den dah kaji bondo ni dan den raso den leh absorb (Whadda heck???), so apo ditunggu lg? teruskan usaha dan berserah kepada Allah. itulah gadis impianku sejak dari ku remaja @ 15 tahun.
Y: mak ai... lamo botol kau ngidam yo BF... dah reput dah tu
BF: den pun x tau la bro n sis, what was happened 2 me. actually, it was in a sudden ! aiyoyo... i can`t 4get her.
BF: tu la pasal bro Y. alamak aii.........den ni xdolah ensem tapi manis tu adolah skit2. hehe. si dia tu masih steady weii...lum reput lg bro !
Y: duit dah cukup lom... meh den tolong pinangkan... bab2 buek masjid ni den suko
T: huuhhh!! parah2 ... lepaskan je la Bro... org tak sudi ...
BF: duit??? dah ado ha! x bleh la bro T. den x bleh lepaskan dia, kehadirannya semula telah membuka pintu ati ini utk melepaskan cinta yg sekian lama dah tertutup !
____

Interframe: giler...eh, u belum jawab lagi soalan i ..eh isteri dia tak baca ke?
rad: I think sama ada his wife f/time hswife bz dgn anak2 or jenis yg cudn't be bothered anymore like - apa lah malang aku dpt suami gatal padahal anak dah bderet - kot?

____
Followed by a flurry of smses/msges to & fro moi including:

Makcik baca T punya status…
rad: I've nothing 2do wid him anymore other than as exschoolmates! I blk bilik td n monitor updates, terus sakit jiwa! Malas nak tunjuk reaksi like blok dia terus..
F: Yang peliknya ngapa dia nak tulis sume benda tu kat status update. Mesti org tertanya2. pas tu terlalu berterus terang. Kat email tu awak kata dia mintak jgn citer kat sapa2.tapi dia yg lebih.lg satu saya geram part yg nak kurangkan kaum hawa kat bumi ni yg belum nikah.
rad: Cz dia tau I aktif fb. X pnah bls sms or msg fb dia. Dia nak provoke tu! Tu psl I diam mls nak blok or anythg. Jaguh kpg you. W tu best- kasi direct je sebiji! Agak2 anak bini kat rmh tu dah ckup terjaga ke? Ingat kita2 ni desperate sgt ke? Nauzubillah..doa la jodoh kita yg baik selain mcm dia!

A: Memang! Sakit ati. Menyampah bila dia n yg lain buat statement mcm tu. T n W mmg cool. Dia ingat kita ni heran sgt ke dgn statemt dia yg kononnya mcm bagus tu. Eee rasanya nak je cakap kat dia. Gi keliling dunia n tengok sekeliling dulu la. Then baru fikir nak buat statement macam tu ke tak. Bengong la dia tu. Sori rad. Emo pulak.
rad: Yezzaa..dia mmg perasan bagus – lebih tepat lagi, JOBO! My sis dah cek *insert workplace* tp geng dia tlg coverline. Klu dia lebih2 sangat, tau la apa yg I nak buat i/Allah! Sama2 kita doa semoga dia cepat taubat n ingat a/bini kat rumah – bukan nak hina tapi dia baru masuk gomen dgn s*m so mampu ke? Alim mcm ustaz ka? Pun tidak la kan!!!!

____
P/s:
I've been warned by my 'supporters' - never respond to him directly. And V said, just report abt him to her Inspector-cousin who is staying around the corner from my place!!

Penang has it all..Part II

2009-04-14T12:45:00.001+08:00

Note on Cheah Kongsi's architecture:
The veranda or balcony followed British architecture on the ground part, Malay in the middle and Chinese for the top/roof.

What's for lunch?

2009-04-14T12:33:00.001+08:00

Jangan ada dusta..

2009-04-10T13:01:00.000+08:00

Nota: Saya tak pandai nak berkata2 terutamanya dalam merungkai apa yang telah terjadi - ada byk perkara yang bakal dikongsi nanti. Maka, bait2 puisi & prosa berikut diambil & disesuaikan dgn keadaan.

Dewi Yull - Jangan Ada Dusta (feat. Broery Marantika)
Moi:
Ketika pertama kujumpa denganmu (dalam mukabuku)
Bukankah pernah kutanyakan padamu...(status perkahwinan)

Dan kini semua yang kau katakan padaku
Jangan ada dusta di antara kita...

He said (sepatutnya):
Semua terserah padamu aku begini adanya
Kuhormati keputusanmu..

Moi (sebelum terlewat):
Apapun yang akan kau katakan
Sebelum terlanjur kita jauh melangkah
Kau katakan saja...

Dr Arjuna - Oleh Maskiah Masrom, Harian Metro 18 Mac2009

"Cinta itu keikhlasan, cinta itu pengorbanan. Wanita sanggup berbuat apa sahaja atas nama cinta. Tetapi lelaki juga tidak harus mementingkan diri. Lelaki juga perlu ikhlas dan perlu berkorban. Jodoh pertemuan kan di tangan Tuhan. Kalau sudah tiada jodoh terima sahajalah. Pasti ada hikmah lain yang menanti."

"Mengapa tidak boleh berdusta dengan wanita yang belum dinikahi tetapi dibenarkan berdusta kepada isteri? Bukankah berdusta itu satu dosa?"

"Wanita yang belum dinikahi tidak boleh didustai. Mereka perlu diterangkan keadaan sebenarnya sebelum membuat keputusan berkahwin atau tidak. Walaupun berpoligami itu diharuskan namun tidak ramai wanita yang sanggup menerima suami orang. Ada yang hanya mengetahui mereka bermadu selepas berkahwin. Ini merupakan satu penganiayaan."

No need to go to China lor...coz Penang has it all! (part I)

2009-04-06T15:33:00.001+08:00

La Mansione Bleu - bits of trivia:
The 'guy' built it with full understanding of good feng-shui like (to attract Qi or chi):
1. we must be able to see the sky from our door steps. so that is why he bought & built a row of one-storey building right in front of this mansion - so nobody can built a higher building in front of his mansion & block his view of the sky!
2. rain water falling inside the household compound is considered as wealth in abundance
3. To build a strong fortress, the house must sat on a hill slope & facing the water front - the 45 degree angle of the mansion is such that Penang Hill served as the backbone!
4. blablabla..

I say, that 1 1/2 hour guided-tour (at the cost of rm12 per head) was worth it!

Lagi lawak yang tidak diingini terjadi...

2009-04-02T17:17:00.000+08:00

My eldest bro's flight to Jeddah departed very early this morning (I was in lalaland & far away up north pun). Mudah2an umrahnya diberkati & dirahmati Allah. Since it looks like everyone is going for umrah these days (Lollies' family too and my BIL next) so I think it's appropriate for me to share this incident.
____

Soon after my ayah passed away i.e. after the iddah period, we (another bro, wife, sis & me) started to make plan to bring mak for umrah & ziarah. Walaupun mak masih dalam kesedihan, hopefully the umrah will let her feels differently ( i dont know what exactly but we needed to do something la kan)..

OK - flash forward to the actual umrah days.

Scene: The 2nd Umrah's Saie between Safa and Marwah
Kaki mak was in critical condition (this was pre-total-knee-replacement-operation)- it was painful for her to walk now, even during the tawaf.

So we had a short meeting at the starting point. My bro will continue the saie with his wife & my sis (the mutawwif was around only for the 1st session). As for mak, we commissioned the service of one of the (teenage) kids available there to help push the wheelchair (too bad we didn't know or enquire about the free wheelchair service available at somewhere inside the Mosque & did it ourselves).

The instruction to me was simple: Stay with mak at all time!! So off they went.....

Here is the logistic: the pathways for normal able-bodied persons and the less-abled are separated in both direction.

Note: Saie between Safa & Marwah is actually to remind us of pengorbanan Siti Hajar berlari2 ANAK di antara Bukit Safa & Bukit Marwah utk mencari air bagi Nabi Ismail AS yang masih kecil dan kehausan.

So, what did the boy who were pushing mak's wheelchair do? Yeahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Full throttle down the one hill until the upclimb of the other...Round One! (faster finished one customer, more money for the day)

Repeat in the other direction for Round Two!

Again, and again until the 7th rounds!!!

Just imagine what happened to me - pretty much breathless in trying to keep up!

My bro & sisters were no where in sight. I don't want to leave mak with a (kid) stranger. So no choice for me really. Thanks to Allah, I was still keeping to my routine of jogging alternate days that particular year - enough stamina to run...

My only consolation at the end was that my bro said I did a good job of looking after mak!

But, they did saw me running to keep up with mak & they laughed!!!! LOL

Lawak yang tidak diingini berlaku...

2009-03-31T10:00:00.000+08:00

Sunday morning, sometime ago.

After a heavy breakfast of nasi lemak, roti canai, maggi goreng, doughnut Big-A, kuih2 etc. (trust me - who ate it all - this is a once in a while thing!), my bro decided to give me a free demo on how to drive an auto car. Ya-ya, I know - if you can drive a manual car i.e. with gear stick, driving auto car is absolutely nothing!!
But not for moi - who never drive other cars except MAV, my sis's proton & kancils from the driving school. I've phobia towards 'new' thing!

So off we go!! La-la-la....*insert driving lesson here*

Since I'm taking the car alone to go back to my hometown later, he felt the need to show me all the way from Subang to the nearest highway until we reached the guthrie open toll plaza.

Alamakkkk!!!!

Macam mana nak bayar toll ni? (toll charge amounted to more than rm1 but less than rm2 - can't rber exactly)

Imagine, both of us in our t-shirts & track bottoms (it's a sunday morning uniform uols!), nobody remember to pick our purse or wallet or even phones (no smart tag, no TnG either - all are inside the handbag)!! AND, it wasn't our respective cars (kereta pinjam ni - long story there)!!

Cuba kau korek duit kat mana2! He said.

Searching all possible places inside the car revealed a total of 35SEN!!!!

Mana cukup! I was panicking.

Ok-ok, I know what to do - he said. After all, he had experienced it before. Once or twice.

We pull over to the side & waited for the traffic at the toll plaza to clear a bit. Then, dengan muka minta belas-ehsan he drove & stop at the drive-counter/booth:

Cik (perempuan), saya minta maaf banyak2, entah macam mana saya boleh pulak tak bawak duit blablabla..........

Ha, tuan2 & puan2 - it's ok klu kita tak bawa duit or tak cukup duit sekali pun di toll plaza. Just own up, and the person manning the booth will go out & take down the car plate no before letting us through. However, don't forget to pay within 7 days!!

And if you're lucky enough, the good samaritan manning the booth will simply let you through for free!

And if you feel really lucky that day - why not pay for the car passing behind you too!

P/s: What if we lost the toll ticket? Say, you accidently flush it in the toilet? Hmm...you tell me!
____

Sketsa kedua: During early driving lessons...(1998)

(Male) driving instructor: Hari ni, saya nak awak tukar gear tanpa pandang bawah. Bawa kereta macam biasa & mata pandang depan!

Moi: (dlm hati) macam mana nak tau kalau tak pandang! tak biasa lagi..

So, berlakulah adegan2 kena marah or was it jerkah?

Then, the driving lesson continue dlm keadaan hati yang sebal.

Until I reached a point to change the gear again. Dengan penuh bersemangat & mata memandang ke hadapan, tangan kiri ku pun meraba2 untuk tukar gear.

Tau2 aje tangan ku telah terletak elok di peha kanan instructor tu! OPSSSS!!!

He looked at me......Hahahahahahaha!!!!! (lucky it wasnt considered as sexual harassment @work!)

What a revelation!

2009-03-27T16:17:00.000+08:00

From French - 'exposé'.
____

All sort of reactions received from my friends who know me for ages.

Like, ada yang naik darah:
"Taktau nak kata apa... bercampur-baur antara nak gelak + marah + simpati + 1001 perasaan...

Takdenya I nak pi hentam mamat tu, he's none of my concern (lantak pi kat dia lah). Yg I maksudkan kat para atas tu towards u my dear. Tapi sebab takmau menambahkan migrain I skrg ni, apa yg I mampu pesan (ringkas):

U jangan cari pasal (aka jangan cari keje kalau takde keje) / jangan desperado sgt / make urself bz with something else rather than messing/flirting around....

Adoi, poning kpla den... chow dulu.. nanti dah tenang2 I sambung berleter lagi.. tu baru intro...

P/s: I knew she cares a lot for moi!

Ramai yang hulurkan kata2 hikmah utk penyejuk rasa & jiwa:
"Allah temukan kita dgn org yg salah dahulu spy kita dpt menghargai apa yg kita miliki pd ms akn dtg... Pengalaman yg blh dijadikan iktibar..."

"hmm, ..tak sangka you termasuk dalam perangkap macam tu walaupun you memang dah beringat2..alhamdulillah, berkat rahmat ALLAH ..Allah lindung you dari perkara macam tu..macam hampir2 je kan?
tapi i percaya, itu semua ujian Allah untuk kita..kena lebih hati2 ni..tapi i harap, jangan sampai u tak percayakan lelaki ya ; )
insyallah, kalau ada jodoh..tak ke mana kan? harap u jaga diri baik2, hidup di perantauan ni..lain sikit gayanya..."

"I am so sorry you have to go thru such heartache but Alhamdullillah nothing major happens. Maybe one of this day I might have your courage and share some of my stories (mind you, stories not story k.)
I pray Allah swt will always look after you in your everyday life and undertakings. Amin"

"its ok to gain a lesson out of this....at least this can be a lesson to everyone of us...am i right??...but i really hope that one day u will find your own sweet mr right..insyaAllah.....Do pray for us all as well..hehehe
kita kena berusaha...on-going process (never end) sampai la berjumpa insyaAllah dengan seseorang yang betul2 boleh dijadikan suami :)"

"… and thanks for the story.. for myself, I am very2 susah nak percaya kat org lelaki ni that is why I never berkenalan or chatting dgn org2 yg tak dikenali… tu la pasal masih single kot hahaha… as what people said, jgn kawin sbb desperado or for the sake of kawin jer… cewahh…"

Ada yang dok pikiaq apakah motif sebenarnya?
"Terkejut jgk baca ur email ni. But anyway many thanks to u, coz u nak jgk share ur experience as teladan to us.
Nasib baik u tersedar awl2, klu u masih lagi bermimpi, x tau la apa akan jadi kat u.
Pengajaran yg i dpt from ur experience tu, kita org pompuan ni jgn terlalu mudah percaya sgt kat lelaki, kena study jgk pasal lelaki yg nak kwn ngn kita ni, bak kata u tu, kdg2 diorg nak ambik kesempatan je. Susah nak cari org yg jujur ngn kita.

Nasib baik ur ustazah & her husband (experience people) "can see who he is"
By the way, i x phm kenapa dia begitu cepat nak ajak u kawin? apa motif dia sebenar nya?"

P/s: Motif ajak kawin cepat? Ha, bila dah sah akad-nikah baru bgtau, apa je yg kita pompuan ni boleh buat? esp klu dah tgadai? Maruah nak jaga. Malu pd org kpg & keluarga. Sure, terima je dgn linangan air mata kan?? Sadis sungguh....

"Aku rasa lah dia ni ada niat tak baik la....maksud aku tujuan dia nak berkahwin dua tu..bukan sekadar nak kahwin....aku rasa macam nak menumpang je....wallahualam la kan...."

"Aku rasa, mamat ni gersang kot...ye lah, bini pi letak kat Melaka, dia kerja kat KL...mana tak gersangnya. Ada bini + anak2 letak jauh2, apa jenis orang macam ni!?"

Ramai yg tak percaya:
"is this really happening to u kak or this is just a story to share?"

" Oh dear...
why things like this keep on happening to you................
maybe you r only looking at other side not the one near to you......
lucky u got to know early......thank god.......
..takes thing easy and learn frm mistake"

P/s: She's non-muslim. I never question why-it-happened-to-me.

"Is this your true story or someone else's? But whose ever it is, I totally agree with the part yg kahwin for the sake of nak kahwin. As a matter of fact, my best friend during school pun pernah advised one of our closest friend abt the very same thing. If it's your story, my prayers for you that one fine day you'll meet the right man for you.. Allah knows best."

Ada yang dah jangka awal2 lagi:
"My dear, i mcm dah agak that he's planning to take u as his 2nd (or ntah ke berapa) wife from the beginning of ur story on ur email. Good thing u managed to get out of that!"

Ada yang ambil sebagai sempadan:
"Boleh x i share story ni dgn kawan2 i yg lain..it seems bnyak pedoman and kawan2 i pun ramai lagi yg masih single..."

P/s: That is why I finally decide to bare it all here...

"Hmmm....what I should say to u is...Bijak...!!!!
Tak ambil keputusan yang drastik and I can't imagine kalau u betul2 dah kawin and found out bout dia dah kawin tu...
Iktibar juga buat yang dah kawin....Tak boleh percaya suami 100%....
One thing rad...u're such a nice person, someday u'll meet a perfect guy for you....
Insyallah.......Sedih baca nukilan u tu.."

And, The Exposé!!!
#(1) through a looooong phone call from a galfren

#(2)
"Syukurla bila tak sampai ke next level. Jahat betul la this guy. Is he XY bin XY? Phone # 01xxxx6060? If dia XY, dia memang pnah cal F, dia kacau I kat fb n pnah cal aku tp aku malas nak angkat. Tak tau dia dpt no dr siapa."

P/s: Guys, pls help by not simply giving out our numbers to others. Let the owner do that if they want to.

and #(3) thru conversation with a guy from the same school.

So, I say ample warning is given: One single mis-step boyo - you're IT!!
All my 'networkings' turn out to be useful after all...

Terjaga daripada mimpi nan ngeri

2009-03-26T08:25:00.000+08:00

Caveat: Ini adalah nota peribadi. Ditujukan khas utk 'single ladies' bagi dijadikan sempadan & utk teman2 yg sudah berbahagia dgn pilihan masing2 yang mungkin mahu membantu dalam matchmaking. "Tolong kami....bantu kami....." (insert b/ground music: lagu P.Ramlee)
____

I hate to share this experience of mine. If I could turn back time, I simply want to erase the whole 22-day episodes & purge it all from my memory. But somehow there’s a lesson to be learn for you & me (Yo-yo! Singles United!). About ikhtiar, redha, tawakkal & yakin pada janji-janji Allah.

I met this guy thru fb – interesting eh? But really no surprise there. He was an exschoolmate of mine though we never talk to each other. He initiated the 1st contact but I was the one who started the chat. Being online made me more brave than ever in person (mistake #1). So the flirting begun… Looking back now, it looked like we simply hit on each other.

Being experienced in dating (bleh!) & past relationships, I thought I already cover all the bases – single status established thru direct enquiry plus discreet ‘investigative works’. One thing, he kept on reminding me not to share about our ‘relationship’ with my girlfriends (& guys) from the same school (mistake #2). I thought it was so sweet of him – maybe to surprise them later? On my part, since nothing might come out of this so ok lah…

From fb to phone calls, smses & chatting – I was being bombarded day & night with such lovely words – he called himself abg & me as syg…(ramai2 sila: Euwwww!!!) How he really like me since Form 1 (makcik caiiiirrrr sgt dah part ni – mistake #3). We made arrangement for a weekend date. Imagine – he traveled all the way to PP just to see moi!! (makcik lemah lutut! – mistake #4 – help him in making the arrangement. Dengan ini, saya bersungguh2 taubat daripada keluar dating dengan sebarang lelaki selepas ini. HARAM. No compromise.)

The nature of his work (lil’ spying/undercover work involved) & his extraordinary high amount of self-confidence applied to susceptible-moi through reverse psychology like telling me all his sad, sad stories of struggle in life (& how fortunate I am!), the bad things he did (drugs included) but he never, ever done a girl (not for the lack of trying) – all combined together to impress me - he did. He worked so hard to understand me & I was simply blown away (Er minah gersang kah? Mistake #5).

Luckily, I still have the presence of mind to refer to my ‘Ustazah’. Since we’ve discussed everything about marriage (and he wanted it to be soon, ASAP!) so I preferred to think of him meeting my ustazah as a test of his determination. I did groom him on what are the possible questions that she might asked, gave him background details of the family etc. including specifically not to smoke in front of her as she’s very particular. (Big mistake #6. Previously, I’ve this high standard for my future husband: He must be a non-smoker. Due to the pressure of getting married (the clock is ticking! He reminded me again & again – what a fool I am!) I let it lax…)

To smoke or not to smoke? It may seems a small thing in terms the general scheme of life decisions. Bear in mind, he smoke consistently in front of me even after I told him off. And he said only 2 ciggies a day?? Our religious scholars (Al-Azhar) had decreed smoking as haram due to the scientifically proven bad effects on health & also society in general. If he is not being responsible to himself (in terms of maintaining healthy body etc.) then could you imagine him being responsible to other people or any other aspect of life? (I rest my case NOW).

The meeting went well – so I thought…But the outcomes were: (the ustazah said) her husband couldn’t even give him a single mark as a potential husband material, the daughter (enuf) said, “Poyonya…bising2 je (as in byk cakap)” & the son said, “Tua lah..” In the middle of the meeting, (he was at the dinner table, enjoying bowl of mee kari) she suddenly asked, “Kau ni dah pernah kawin ke belum?” I was thinking, tak perlu lah soklan tu kan …. Of course, he straight away answered NO. On reflection, she said he started to sit sideways. And dah tak lalu makan. (Mistake #7: Should’ve learn how to detect when a person is lying). He also paid NO attention at all to the three kids present (ciri2 lelaki yg dah kawin – penat dah kot layan anak sendiri).

Post-meeting, we met again. He argued his case again for us to be married ASAP. I asked simply, “Ada duit ke nak kawin? Saya ni anak dara orang bukan janda wokeyy..” And, “ Ada duit ke nak bagi nafkah lepas kawin?” (FYI, he just started working under government with S*M qualification – not to undermine him but lets face reality, are we?) “So, tak payah ceritalah pasal kawin sekarang…” but lets plan for the future..

Back in PP, he kept messaging me – wanting to pinang me ASAP. (Previously, he kept inviting himself to my hometown to meet my mother – I said NO!) To cut short the story, the ustazah’s hubby asked for his address(es). Thus, when I asked him, he was taken by surprise, “Tak pernah abg kena investigate sampai macam ni…pelik la” then out came The Confession:

“sebenarnya, saya ni sudah berkahwin, mempunyai 4 org anak, seorang isteri berumur 32 tahun dan diorg menetap di melaka. berkahwin pd tahun 199*, 25 July”

And my calm reply:

Minta maaf byk2
rasanya saya dah jelaskan awal2 lagi
saya tak berminat dgn hak org
Mohon halallah segala makan minum & maaf utk segala silap & salah.
Tolong jgn hubungi saya lagi. Klu sekadar berkawan, cukup lah di fb.

The End.
_____

On my part, I’m really grateful to Allah – for saving me from making a fool of myself, to involve in a major catastrophe with dire consequences! Imagine, klu dah kawin baru tau? Mau pengsan mak di kampong. I feel bad as it is thinking of The Wife & 4 Kids…
Astaghfirullahal’azim….ampunkan saya Ya Allah! (telah bersedekah, sujud syukur & insyaAllah berpuasa seperti yg disarankan)

Take home lessons for today:

1. Jangan terdesak (desperado!) – kawin for the sake of kawin je.
2. Jangan membelakangkan keluarga & rakan yg telah lama kita kenal.
3. Jangan langgar perintah agama.
4. Yakinlah janji Allah: lelaki yg baik utk wanita yg baik. Klu tak di dunia mungkin di akhirat jodoh kita.
5. Ikhtiar dgn cara yg betul.
6. Berpegang teguh pada prinsip.
7. Saling ingat-mengingat sesama teman - ramai yg cuba ambil kesempatan
8. Learn from experience

Terima kasih Pencuri!!!

2009-03-25T08:07:00.000+08:00

Monday, early morning - I regretfully fb-announced the lost of my relatively new white-grey-&pink-girly sport shoes (my mistake – left it outside & overnite for airing) after serving moi for only a month!?

Now, the Shoe Thief left me with no other choice except to go ahead & buy that (almost) RM300 & made-of-leather shoes!! Wroarrrr!! Expensive for sure!!!

Ops, ok – lets start again.

Last Sunday, for the first time, I went for a jogwalk at the Kebun Bunga. But, I’ve been consistently jog (okey-okey, brisk walk if you prefer to call it that way) in & around campus, or at the lakeside, a couple of times during weekdays or weekend – so that good sporty shoes are really important to me. The old ones that I’ve had been using are so worn out, after more than 2 & a half year of usage, such that the right hand side sole is in danger of breaking apart… On the occasion of a new place & new jog-buddy(s), I thought – I deserved a replacement!

Since I’ve just moved here, at The Island– no salary yet – I couldn’t see myself wasting my Mak’s Precious-Given $$ unnecessarily. So, even if my heart yearn for that Dark & Handsome Shoes which is made of genuine & full leather & very costly – after much look around with my personal shopper cum advisor at the Queen’s Mall – I had to settle for that non-measly & still costly RM69.90 rubber & synthetic girly ones with a promise to wait for the next sale (put permanently marker on the Store) & have to remind myself to set aside some $$ from now on - for that Handsome One. Not that I had ever buy a whatever-shoes which cost me more than RM150! *dilemma*

Why would I be a sucker for that Handsome One? Well, back when I was doing my 1st degree – during one of the winter student gathering, they organized a jungle trekking somewhere in Wales. Came totally unprepared, but don’t want to miss the opportunity to traverse the backwater & mountain area, I had to buy a suitable shoes on the spot! Couldn’t be bother with the price – well, it was still relatively cheap there anyway. And, wearing that shoes – it felt so heavenly – so light (winter shoes are heavier), I was flying!! Trodding upon the countryside, with unexpected flakes (or was it ??) falling…..making merries with friends – loads of them..

Fast forward a good 6, 7 years after that, the shoes had served me (& one peminjam at least) on alternate days of (real) jog at the stadium track or in training. Too bad, as I tend to take things for granted & simply assumed that everybody is kind blablablah…..I left the shoes in the ho(s)tel (alongside other personal things too) during one semester break (already started my 3rd degree by then). I guess, someone chance upon & took one look at them thus thought, “..how nice the shoes will shod his/her feet during gutter-cleaning etc.!”

P/s 1: BTW, where are the infamous monkeys of the Kebun Bunga? None to be seen at all. I was desolate. The one & only monkey we saw earlier, half-way to Kebun Bunga, was coolly crossing the road using the electric cable!

P/s 2: If, and only if, I ever get my hand on that Handsome One, he gonna ‘sleep’ with me on the other side of the door! *In the mean time, had to mend my old ones lor..or no jog at all?*

P/s 3: Hear ye, hear ye!! I cast a spell from here, now & after, that the Shoe Thief’s Whatever-Shoes will cause him/her an eternal discomfort, gangrene, bisul, cagu (muahahahaa!!) & thus Smelliest Feet over the Seven Seas!!!
*Told ya, don’t mess with me*
Unless s/he repent..(no need to return my shoes back coz it will be smelly & infectious too)

P/s 4: If you thought that I purposely ‘entice’ the Shoe Thief – Teett!! Sorry you’re dead wrong – I live in a ‘gated community’, end of the road. There’s only 12 mini-apartment for mostly singles in the 3-storey block. The family with 3 kids downstairs left a whole rack of shoes outside their door. Not even the three resident-doggies which kind of adopt themselves (but very respectful of us-human) around are interested!