No turning back..

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

C'est payé, balayé, oublié
(It's paid for, removed, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé
(I don't care about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs
(With my memories)
J'ai allumé le feu
(I lit the fire)

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
(My troubles, my pleasures)
Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux
(I don't need them anymore)

Balayés les amours
(Swept away my past loves)
Avec leurs trémolos
(With their tremors)

Balayés pour toujours
(Swept away for always)
Je repars à zéro
(I start again from zero)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Car ma vie, car mes joies
(Because my life, my joys)
Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi
(Today, it begins with you)

Read more: Edith Piaf - Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Update on neighbours & life in general

Came back late just now, after 9pm from office, saw the owner (?) of the unit below mine is washing the floor at the entrance. Tried to catch her look (Malay, Chinese, Indian, others?) - maybe say hi too - but to no avails.

The unit above mine has been occupied since ...hmm... can't remember exactly but must be before CNY, in late January. So far, all I have seen was just the light on the dryard being kept switch on always - not much affect on the bill I guess. I saw a washing machine -duh!- and that was it! I suspected a single (not family) person too.

Last Sunday (2 March), my next door neighbour's unit has completed some repairs  by Rohman,a Bangladeshi worker - cracked walls everywhere especially the corner of window frames in all 3 rooms, sliding doors & our shared wall in the living room (Thank God not on my side, surprisingly!). Rohman told me it might be due to drilling and renovation works upstairs. But, ...I have had renovation works done on my side, upper & lower unit too. Oh, by the way, the internal contractor'' contract has been extended for another 6 months, from March onwards.

So, she's definitely not moving in (extensive renovation ahead) soon and I'm still the only Malay occupant on my floor. Earliest occupants must be the three Chinese families: next to Lift 3&4, the end outside unit of the other U-side (with large flower pots) & my other right-hand side neighbour. There were others who got their place ready for CNY but not yet fully moved in. Need to remind myself to collect a new car sticker (again!?) soon - got the notice yesterday.

My bed is getting smaller nowadays, must the nightly tossing around - having some trouble gettting my eyes shut (due to too much coffee in daytime in order to stay awake, don't know which one is the cause/effect) and often times I found myself getting dangerous to drop on the floor huhuhu.. So the 4-foster queen (or do I dare to dream for a King?) complete with hanging white muslins, bed side tables, tall-drawers unit, might as well get my nested tables (in replacement of a proper coffee table) and a small half-moon unit for the corridor leading to the rooms. Maybe a picture rail too? Hmmm...

My composting (with RM5 pamphlet as a guide) efforts suck.. I had maggots all over the kitchen floor.. near the dustbin. Too little kitchen waste (batang bayam, coffee dregs etc.) & no proper layers. But I planted the bulbs (RM5 for 3 of what? aiyoyo I forgot already..) from Botanika, last 23 February, and now two of them are showing their early shoots. I'm keeping the leftover water from cooking rice in the fridge (haha! Genius of me eh? No more smelly, disgusting water for days) and use it to water the bulbs..

My Sayang Tuah-Jebat-Lekir-Kasturi are doing ok too.. Idah bought me the colourful pebbles (RM3). I am thinking of some 'tukun' perhaps for them to hide in? Instead of changing the water twice a week, they are considered lucky if I got to do it almost after every two weeks now huhuhuhu..

Went to visit a village for a community session yesterday. And I got the seeds for Ismet Ul*m Raja!!! I already have the experience from growing lady finger in 2012 so... that is going to be my project for next week! Why next week....(see 2 paragraph below)

Penang W*men's Run - no hills! -  i did 6km in about 43 min (but the top winner took only 26 min!) so averaged pacing of 7:15. I remember when I started counting (must the PB*M2012 I averaged closed@more than 9 minutes). Don't know whether I'll get to run  on this weekend's MWM* due to the haze and threat of heat stroke. The organizer is saying it will depend on the API reading by Saturday, 6pm. I have booked my return flights, so either ways, I am still heading south to balik kampung. Mak is not feeling well, must be the dry weather and I've been too caught up with work (among other things) lately.

It's going to be day 6 now...my prayers for those on MH37* - things are getting crazier! But in Allah we trust..

I'm getting there.. insyaAllah. He is always in my prayers and I want him to be happy too. Me? Live life with no regret. And it's time to move on..

My mistakes, expecting too much from him. Lesson learnt the hard way: CAPABLE of taking responsibility, COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATE & COMMIT - my 3Cs or was it 4? huhuhu.. I am far from perfect and need to improve myself a lot in every ways. Rad no te rajes (Don't give up!)!

Headless

The whole unit is having a 3 days workshop til Wednesday, out of the office but no-no.. no budget for hotel this time around! We are supposed to work on the strategic plans for the next 5-10 years.

The small boss said, "Bullshit!" in front of our esteemed guests (luckily the 2nd top person in management already left us). No excuses, he said, "I'm just being me!" Right... I supposed so.

My honest opinions? We are like headless chicken, just waiting to be slaughtered (redundant!) - haha! Change or no change?

The person next to me, F, asked, "Why are you so pissed off with the small boss?" Simply because I didn't like his style.. I also can't imagine working along him without losing my patience. I am tired of everyone making jokes on my section just because we are having few (I can literally count with one hand *sigh*) students and I certainly do not have the intention to be in his shoes (his current position)!

I am still mad with my so-called friends aka colleagues.. I don't like to hear them talking behind my back and I certainly don't like them poking fun of me.

Alas...I do feel like crying since..

20140227 - Bearing the brunt of malicious gossip, stumped me for words! Unbelievable..
Just because you read the Prof's comment on my wall post.. so we are now an item for gossip fodder? What a small world mentality! I proposed for a conference to be organized next year and put myself and the Prof in the committee too - so now more evidence to support my crime? Speechless..

After 5 years working together, finally I am getting the understanding that no one is ever to be trusted!

And office gossips? Nothing is further from the truth, it is all lies and no one to be trusted!

On the other hand, I believed I have made the best decision since what I fear to happen already happened - my so-called scandal with him are out in the open. I am never so glad that I hastened out of the intricate situation before it was too late...help me God!

Enough

For now.

Watched 'L*ve Actually' again yesterday & cried buckets. *sigh*

Passenger - Let Her Go [Official Video]

20131124

Started my journey from Sg. Dua (Perai) around noon and arrived safely at Enst*k at 4pm, alhamdulillah. But, I might have been caught on a speed trap between Ipoh Utara & Spg. Pulai; by the time I caught on, it was too late to hit the break so I teetered around 120 kph.. And then going forward I came across the sign to remind me - the speed limit of only 90 kph - OUCHH!!!
Need to remind myself to slow down a bit insyaAllah. Earlier on, there was another speed trap passed the exit to Nibong Tebal, under the bridge/flyover (both case).

I went to J*z's wedding - it's her second wedding & a first for the husband, an Imam, masyaAllah. I personally think that a bride definitely need a hand bouquet just for the sake of something to hold & to fuss about or maybe to hide behind. And big no-no to satin material especially for us who are on the heavy side, especially the headscarf since it didn't hold it shape for long.
I like the fact that the buffet dishes were served on those big round earthern ware. There was a big ice-cream machine for the kids! And adults too...

Pity that J*z had to arranged everything by herself since her mother already passed away (?). She stays with her daughter (too young to understand & take responsibility) and her dad (questionable - not that I'm judging him or anything).

Getting Older: Mak and me

Mak was born in 1936 - according to her birth certificate. So, she is now 77 years old. I am really grateful and also thankful to Allah, alhamdulillah for allowing me more time to spend with her and vice versa.

I just came back from my hometown for Eidul Adha celebration last Wednesday and on Thursday I received a call from the Head's office asking me to attend a course this week nearby my hometown (considered 1:15min + another 40min as nearby lah). Of course, I was excited for the opportunity to go home again and I took emergency leave on Monday thinking that the course will be on Wed-Thurs, thus check-in by Tue - insert another long story here.

Anyway, I drove down with a colleague on Sunday, stopped at Bukit G*ntang R&R to buy some tropical fruits: huge, humangous mangoes; limau madu and promegranate (delima). I forgot that mak has pedih ulu hati (heart burns) nowadays which means she cannot enjoy what used to be her favourite: most greenish limau means most masam/sourish!

She is having trouble with simple things around the house: how to start the machine for washing her clothes instead of only spinning (she relies more upon this now since her hands/arms hurt - kopek kelapa punya pasal); every time she charges the battery-is-dead phone, she do not know how to switch it on again; with the new S-tro remote, she cannot watch her normal tv channel, TV1-TV3, every time the last person watching left the tv at whatever channels; and she prefers to listen to my radio in the room because of nicer songs than the one outside which is always on N9.fm but she do not know how to make it works. She is also having difficulty fastening the car seat belt since she can no longer turn right and left like she used to (and we always take this for granted)...and I feel bad for not helping her!

On Tuesday, my sister went for her follow-up at the GH along with her husband which just left the two of us at home. She prepared breakfast already but me and mak already concurred that her fried mee wasn't up to our taste buds hahahaha...and I'm too lazy to cook! So, I told her, "Mak, wanna have K*C for lunch?" Surprisingly, she said yes!! No need to ask her twice as per normal procedure...you know, we ask and she declined such that we had to ask again.. & eventually push her to come along hahaha...unless she really didn't want to!

Ok, our date was set to 11am (in retrospective, the business opens at 10:30am) and of we go! I was deserving of a proper lunch plate set given that I swept and mopped the floor already since she mentioned that she did it bit by bit only..

But then, when I push open the door, "Alaa mak...no table (provided on ground floor) lah...we have to take away - bring it back home!" Imagine her disappointment...it's her first time eating in at the new branch although someone in the family already brought home the take aways from time to time. Thank you to the kind and nice male branch manager *I assumed* who offered to bring down a table from upstairs! I'm forever indebted to this branch such that instead of having 2 sets of Special Tuesday Offer, I agreed to his suggestion to try the new offering. Can you imagine the sweetness of my special lunch date with mak? Just the two of us and she finished up her two pieces. According to Along, I updated the family Whatsapp with photo to prove, he has been thinking along the line, "it has been quite some time since mak had K*C!" And he said, normal portion for mak is 3 pieces! Ouch, failed dieting...

During lunch, I noticed her wrinkled hands - those hands use to work hard to put food on the tables literally for the family and especially me - because she started to tap rubber by herself when I was in primary school. I asked her, why didn't she put some lotion on those hands? No lotion was her replied...I promised myself there and then to buy her some really nice lotion for hands soon!

During the drive home, I asked her whether she waited outside the school everyday for the other siblings or simply just me? Since she started to ride bike only by then, so I was the only lucky one! Was I ever grateful? I bet you wouldn't want to know what was going on my mind during those pick-ups time...

And mak wasn't the only one getting older. I getting more and more forgetful now. I mixed up the dates for the workshop and it wasn't normal at all - almost unsangka-able to me! I noticed white hairs of my colleagues and neighbours..and how much longer do I have? Am I prepared for the hereafter? I do hope it is not too late...

What went well (1) today..

Masya Allah & alhamdulillah...
1. The end of tadarus went well, considering it was the first time we did it at the work place - more participants next year hopefully given that we prepared pack-food including trifle which I lovingly cooked yesterday haha..contributions by others - quite unexpected! As always, need to be prepared for the unexpected... have extra packs please next time &offer the opportunity to others too.

This is the procedure on how we did the khatam:
a) Read together (instead of one by one) so faster..
b) Started with Al Fatihah, followed by the 22 surahs from Ad Dhuha until An Nas, then Al Fatihah again and the 1st 5 verses of Al Baqarah (kinda come to a complete endless circle); interspersed in between with Lailahaillahu wallahuakbar..
c) Read the khatam ayat from Al Anfal, #?? 3 times
d) Recitation of dua' in Arab & Malay
e) Nasyid Kh*tam Quran
f) Shaking hands & lotsa hugs around

Stricter rules next time, finishing by 17th Ramadhan, follow-up more often!

2. Another PhD candidate no more...she graduated as in passed her viva today - also cemerlang alhamdulillah coz we shared the same supervisor & external examiner & she's given 3 months too (initially 1 month!) I'm so happy for her coz I felt guilty for not doing enough as I'm in her disertation committee..

3. What you give, you get back...I said nice things & he said it too - we're both busy working ppl!

4. I managed to remember & show my appreciation to those colleagues aka friends who always help me..by my cakes again!

5. When I kept on reminding myself always (esp. today) to do things for the sake of Allah, not for showing off to people, Allah opens the way in so many things....Allahuakbar!

6. True test of friendships..we are back on talking terms again alhamdulillah.. not as good as before but good enough for me..

7. I'm alive, I'm busy...thank you Allah.

Checklist of preparation for 1434H Eid!

1. To reach home @Nesmilan safely:
a) TnG reloaded to cover return journey as well as a second card for the Bridge/ as a spare too;
b) PKE sent for service already (30K service even if mileage of around 20K after 2 years..) included tyre rotation too since the front tyre on the passenger's side had punctured twice (all at Bali2)
c) To check for speed trap & whereabout of AES cameras!
d) Petrol full tank - checked

2. Attires
a) Prayer clothes - new from Vietnam! Need to wash though..
b) Kurungs made by my tailor in Gelugor - matching headscarves?
c) To check for the colours of kurungs made by my tailor at hometown - which headscarves again?
d) Jubah for tarawih - the last 10 days - at the mosque insya Allah...
e) Shoes & sandals?
f) Etc. inc. toiletries

3. Food
a) Plan to bake choc-cheese cake & trifle as usual - ingredients packed?
b) Kuih raya for mak & kak
c) Serunding for my sifu@U*M - planning to drop by for a discussion on the way back home
d) Bring along perishables from my fridge! Including acar buah.
e) Collect all cookies ordered? Suriya RM163++; Su RM??; Tini RM70

4. Cash/Duit raya sorted?
a) Mak
b) No-longer-working bro & sisters
c) 30 nephews & nieces minus 3 working ones; minus 3 in Malacca
d) Convocation's present? To be considered
e) Colleagues' kids - selected ones; selected friends' kids
f) Neighbours - elderly ones esp mak's closed friends & kids perhaps? Extra packets prepared?
g) Zakat fitrah paid myself - only RM7
h) Infak: 10% of salary insyaAllah done & distributed
i) Cash-in-hand for unexpected expenses?

5. Dua' List for 10 Days of Ramadhan 1434H
a) May Allah forgive all of our sins & may we come out at the end of Ramadhan  fresh & cleanse inside & out & a much better person too!
b) May Allah grant my mak longer time in this world & strong health too..and keep the family together
c) May Allah fulfill my heart desire - open up his heart to fully accept me the way I am & may Allah give me lots strength & patience to keep waiting for the time to come (if he is best for me, else..)
d) May Allah allow me to pursue my career further, juggling it alongside my family & friends ( esp. him) & allow me to stay healthy by running, jogging, hiking, aerobic & everything.. plus lotsa chance to travel and see this world (conferences hehe!)
e) May Allah  allow me to teach patiently & wholeheartedly, able to motivate some if not all of my students so that they will all succeed & aim higher insya Allah
f) May Allah give him the best of everything in this life & hereafter- he deserves to be happy
g) May Allah keep me in Islam, stay faithful to Him & only Him alone..aamiiinnnn

6. Apartment on standby mode
a) Inform the guard house & Linda-the-neighbour
b) Switch off the gas (non-ori head as told by Alan@BJ on Saturday, 27th July - so I always need to switch off the supply-halfway after cooking)
c) Check all doors & windows - double padlock for the entrance grill
d) Spare keys - remember where did I hide them? haha! One sets in PKE too...
e) Anything else? Hmm...

What went wrong 1

I hold on to this thought: whatever is left unsaid won't hurt people & it's definitely better that way.

I have lost track of the number of times he said things that hurt me - not that I am counting - but however i want him to care about me, I see this as signs of him not caring enough, as in I am not good enough for him now & in the future.

The reason why i do what i did is simply out of love - I want him to stay healthy by not smoking. Yes, I've been nagging him, emailing from time time to time & he could have just deleted all those emails @ simply told me to quit. 

But, menyampah-sampah?