The ones that got away...

Same old, same old stories...

Earlier in late December last year or was it earlier January this year, when my mak was around with me for 5 weeks in Penang:

1. An ustaz through another married ustaz is looking for his candidate. Age late 40-s. Reason of being single due to taking care of his mother who recently passed away -  Innalillah.....

Location: in Kedah

The matchmaker is non-willing colleague who was approached by another middle person on behalf of the married ustaz - I suspected from their joined community projects which I was involved somehow - to a limited extent. She said, here is an unmarried person looking for a wife so please contact the married ustaz - she's not interested to continue the efforts of being a go-between.

Based on the hp number, I contacted the married ustaz saying I agreed to get to know the other party. Guess what? He was shocked!!!! It took him quite sometime to respond to my message - must be he is not used to a direct female.

Fast forward, it was during intensive weeks (Jan/Feb) at work when the other party wanted to come & meet - again, the matchmaker was reluctant anyway since she planned to be away immediately after for quite some time. That was the end of it.

2. Prof that I worked with and know a lot about my stories - don't worry, we're not having an affair as per dirty mind of my colleague - we work together along with another production assistant who know a lot about my stories too. I remember, around the time I told my mak about the ustaz, Prof called me around Maghrib and said he was having tea time with his wife and somehow conversation about me being not married came out and his wife knows of one teacher in her school whose wife passed away due to sickness and how he himself taking care of the small children who are really in need of a mom.

He's very kind but shy.

Location: Perai

I said ok and on the next day, Prof called me and asked when am I ready to meet the other party? I said, I'm ok - any time subject to the other party wants to meet of course. Then Prof said, his wife said better meet up soon (aka that week) since once school reopen in January (the following week) he'll be busy as a teacher and fathering his kids.

Cut short the story, no nothing came from his side - I understood that he is not interested lah..

Fast forward to yesterday, during phone conversation, Prof mentioned that he, the widower, already got married to a PAR at his school whose husband passed away too and have children who now even call him 'Cikgu' at home. Alhamdulillah syukur.. I am happy for him.

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Fast forward to early to mid-September this year:

My sister #5 played matchmaker - she suggested for me to get to know her coworker-at-school's husband's colleague who used to work in Seremban  but now back in AS*tar.

I was reluctant... not because he is much older (54) but I'm tired of getting to know people and my heart broken to smithereens again and again. I have K*puteh now - he's my baby - my life is complete! Even mak accepted him and referred to him as my anak. I have my family esp mak, work to take care of my basic needs, career that is demanding (was appointed as Business Coordinator from mid March) and I don't even have time to slot in my running much more to sign up for events!

Against my wishes. since I asked him to answer 4,5 questions through the middle person, my sister gave my hp no to him. So, he messaged me late Thursday evening and I just responded accordingly. Conversations were stilted - stopped by Friday morning due to me having a seminar. He only came out for air on later Satuday evening - which I replied on late Sunday evening - eve of Eidul Adha. I thought - that was it!

4. Earlier on that same Friday, I talked to my matchmaker colleague who called me earlier on  Tuesday, "Rad!!!! Jodoh you dah sampai...Dat*k Rad!!!" She was excited - I was having no feeling at all - told her I wanted to think about it. So, on Friday noon, I told her - no, I'm not interested to know this guy - coz to my mind, not fair to get to know another guy while I'm in the process of getting to know 54. Oh, this Dat*k guy is 52. 52 is a divorcee which 3 adult kids, and an future alumni of my work place but not directly under me. It seemed that he simply called her & asked her to help him find a candidate. Should I be touched that my colleague think of no other person than me? Huh!

He planned to further his study - MA & PhD. Again, at my work place. 

She asked me to pray Istikharah which I did! So, while I was at my hometown, she acted as the go-between us with me asking lots of questions including the 4Qs above. I thought I was being clever enough to filter the seedy guy: 1) What is your plan w.r.t. hajj? 2) What is your opinion, as a hubby - hypothetically of course - on the roles of a career woman and as a wife, mother, daughter too? 3) What is your hobby? During free time? 4) Anything you would like to ask me? To be fair, again...

This 52 guy answered all questions. Wow!! I was quite happy with the answer...

By Monday, after so many Q&A, my matchmaker said there are certain things which ought to be amongst the two of us only and she's not interested to know. So, i gave her the permission to give my no to him. 

Here was the craziness started:

52 first messaged me on Tuesday noon. By the end of the day, we already had a long phone conversation. Continued on Wednesday - messages & long phone conversation - we clicked together!

On Thursday, I brought my mak to Seremban through KP. He knew of my plan to drive back on Friday morning. He offered to be my driver!!! He in Perai, take a bus (Hmm.. kata Dat*k??) to KL & I'm to pick him up with lots of rambutans, duku langsat, asam gelugor, belimbing buluh, and kedondong.

However by late Thursday evening, he said - changes of plan. It was ok with me - I'm used to drive alone anyway.

By Friday, when I reach Penang - he said he still wanted to meet up but not the 3 of us as discussed earlier - he's got something to tell me.

So, we met at 5pm. 

Here, again, the short story.

He got to know late Thursday evening thru a contact that his 3 stories semi-detached unit (show off with photos on Tuesday) is going to be auctioned off to pay his business debt from long ago - 2007/2008.

Since I kept telling him before that I don't like surprises! I don't like liar & cheater too! Or people trying to take advantage of me!

So, he's playing my cards...

I said, at the end of the so-called date (went ot the GH and ended up  he spent RM8.10 at cafetaria on campus for both of us - I wanted to think about it...

By Saturday, my matchmaker colleague got help of somebody to check his old Merc plate - road tax already expired since June and not belong to him! That explained the slow drive on the middle lane.

By following Monday, checked online to prove no dat*k (istiadat.gov.my - by states), no other vehicles under his name registered at J*J, he's blacklisted (forgot PD*M or J*J list), and best of all - he's registered bankrupt under E*N & Bank Isl*m! Around the same time, he updated his newly create Fb with getting the watikah - but where is the official photos?

I told my matchmaker, I told him that I wanted time to pray Istikharah which I did - for a week! By this time, he already went against my wish for privacy & changed his tunes a couple of time - wanting to be friend only now! 

I'm just grateful to Allah for putting me in his care, insya-Allah...save me from those who want to take advantage of me.  

5. Oh...that one from 5 years ago said, "You turn me down before, onwards, sorry la, I will always turn you down." That was on July 9th. I have loss count of how many times I reach out to him but this time, I get it - I really get it! How many times should I push myself to go through the same emotional roller coaster. We did met up once, surprisingly during Ramadhan for iftar - I guess, we have lost that feeling from inside us. I wish him the best & may he finds what he's really looking for so that I can really let go & move on..

Moral of the 5 stories: I can easily love again.. 

20150603

On saying 'I love you':

'But it's often the first step to turning a relationship from casual to serious. You might be thinking it's turning into a long-term thing, but they're stuck at having fun and what you're interpreting as reciprocal romantic feelings might well be affectionate friendship.'

Tracey adds: 'The only way to find out is to tell them how you feel - but it is always a risk.

'The "I told you not to", probably came from someone who'd made it clear to the person that they weren't interested in a relationship. (When someone says they aren't interested, they're not. Take them at their word!)

'Yes, the responses are cutting but I still believe you're much better off letting your feelings be known and suffering the (usually brief) humiliation and pain than keeping them bottled up.'

Tracey explains: 'At least you know where you stand and can move on to loving someone who is able to love you back in the way you want to be loved.

'Remember, for every person who has been humiliated, there are another ten who got greeted with an enormous smile and hug and 'Oh my god, I love you too'. You choose the wrong person to say it to, that's all.

'If it's happened to you, pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to say it and for finding out NOW that it's not reciprocated. There is nothing more futile than continuing to love someone who is never going to love you back.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3107431/Scorned-sweethearts-reveal-humiliating-reactions-received-telling-love-you.html#ixzz3bxbpKIIi
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

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I was asked by sis#4 to help send my niece for her admission interview at the nearby campus - I took the opportunity to bring along mak for jalan-jalan.
Made the arrangement with my SIL and then only informed my bro - as a courtesy. Surpringly, he thanked me for the effort and joined in the plan to bring mak for jalan-jalan, literally.

The Interview
The letter that called her for interview stated the time as 2pm. We got there - my bro send us - before 2pm. She met her friend - so no problem at all - I left her with promise to pick her up later.

The actual interview started around 2:45pm, a set of 3 interviewees faced a panel of interviewers with a time limit of 20 minutes. Of course, everyone got excited in the earlier parts and this extend the session a little bit and it continued on... by the time, my niece (4th set) was called upon, it was already after 4pm and quickly upon finishing she called me - it was 4:25pm ...Later, she told me her friend finished her interview session after 6pm!

Which bring my attention to what happened last Thursday & Friday, the same interview process here in my alma mater. For 2 days, morning & afternoon parallel sessions, about 400 candidates  & only half of that will be offer placement. There were those who came from near and far..and there was this pakcik who came to accompany his son/daughter and already bought the return bus tix for departure at 4:30pm and at 4pm - his son wasn't even called for interview yet!
____
Back to my mak...
So, after my niece had her interview done & over with, my bro brought us to P*trajaya with the intention to visit the F*oria - out of curiosity I search in Fb and it seemed that we were too early - by one week! At the same time, there were Y*outh Festival going on too and road closure here and there. Basically, we were going round and round (men being men *sigh*) in P*trajaya! We stopped at the mosque for Maghrib prayer then walked downstairs to the Souq.

TBC..

I am not that strong yet!

Do you know what I wish most w.r.t. to him?

I pray to Allah so that ..
1. I have the strength to forgive him so that I can forget and let go!
2. To never see him again, out of my eye sight ...and if ever we met again one day in the future, I wish for us to be strangers!
3. May Allah takes good care of his two daughters whom I never wish  to be in my position, to feel what I felt before..

And today, of all the place and time, I look up during a brief pause in conversation - and there he was!

I stumbled, lost my train of thoughts and I just feel the most urgent need to walk away...

Blog theme

I love French - whatever basic French language that I still remember after almost 18 years; 'moi' for I and 'amour' for love. Add a dash of Manglish, ah moy! And mixed them well - perfecto (which is Spanish, of course).

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Last Labour Day weekend, one of my SIL's niece got married. To a foreigner - Pak*stani. Nothing new to shout about except for her mahar or dowry of RM30K! Yes, exactly RM30,000. In fact for Selangor, the standard dowry is RM300. In comparison, my neighbour's step daughter got engaged on the same day with said/expected dowry of RM12K. Both are graduates - well, worth mentioning I guess.

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So today, a well-meaning colleague pushed me from a distance to accept a friend request on Fb. From her contractor, a Pak*stani guy with PR, wife passed away, excellent credential and everything. Initially, when she asked whether I'm ok marrying a foreigner with PR, I just said, as long as the guy is 1. not married and 2. take care of his solat, I'm ok.
But immediate friend request from him? Got me scared already. So basically I chickened out, i gave the excuse of not ready to let go, still thinking of the last one blablabla.. I'm thinking, what is the probability that this guy would understand me *being a very difficult me* and still stand by my side? We come from different background, culture and everything..

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There was this one guy closer to me in terms of relative distance - well, we work under the same roof. I kept my distance from him since 2010 due to some misunderstanding on my part - no knocking/barge in on his door, not saving his number in my contact list. As recent in January, he messages - I was out-stationed, obviously he got my no. from other colleague - with respect to a proposal for a programme. Then a series of recent occurrence make me questioned his motive: asking me to send him to the airport just because the normal taxi wasn't available at the last minute; giving only me (normal practice - just put any food on the table at the pantry for everyone in the office) a huge slice of cake in pretty box, knocking on my door and asked for not really important things BUT when I showed some responses I guessed he is not ready & chickened out - a repeat of yesteryear! I am giving him lot of space for now...literally.

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And there was the proposal at home on March 19th 2015. At the age of almost 40, at last somebody in my hometown noticed me, sufficient to send someone (a neighbour) with a marriage proposal. Alas, it was rejected straight away and I was only informed afterward. He is about my 2nd bro age of about 55/56, with his wife passed away, mature kids, used to be the assistant manager in my hometown such that the official residence was in front of my mak's place. So, the reasons being: he didn't treated his late wife right - shouted at her in public, cat-fighted with my sister, hurt my mak's feeling on one occasion such that she said, if he marries me then she will have to hate her son-in-law forever. Ouch.

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And there was that one date, almost a date, at the ripe age of almost 40 again, in mid January. I was willing to make the effort of going out of my way just to meet him, it was organized by the matchmaker but after 1 hour of sitting together in front of other people, i realized he is not going to do anything ...still not exchanging our hp number to this day. No, nothing.

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Well, if you managed to read this far, basically this blog is all about my quest for the One. Not the most perfect but just perfect for moi. I really thought I have found him, I waited years for him (between 2010 and 2015 and maybe I'm still waiting; did you guy watch that yo*tube/fb video on catfight with script for lovers' quarrel? hahaha) ...but he is not ready yet. Any excuse is a good excuse huh?

1%

Yes, that miserable, cling-on to, 1% of hopefulness is now gone...insyaAllah

Basically, he 'rejected' me due to reasons as follows:
1. his heart has no desire for marriage ever since his divorce, about 10 years ago. He even prayed solat istikharah for 3 consecutive days..
2. he worries that his two daughters might resent the very idea of..
3. he wonders how could a person loved him the way he is now, despite all the imperfections...urghhh!
4. he is a workaholic like 24/7, is there anyone who could accept such a life?

Well, either he is or he is not, isn't it?

I have nothing much to say, not even a prayer for him now, except that: Don't come knocking on my door if you do not want to enter ever! AND not everything is about you - you are so vain *insert the song*! And selfish too hahaha...*abitterwomanscorned*

So, finally I have my closure - Thank You Allah!

Mengapa...

Anak punai anak merbah,
Terbang turun buat sarang,
Anak sungai pun berubah,
Ini pula hati orang.....mengapa dikenang.

Asal kapas jadi benang,
Dari benang dibuat baju,
Barang lepas jangan kenang,
Sudah jadi orang baru.....mengapa dirindu.

Kasih yang dulu tinggal dalam mimpi,
Kasih yang baru simpan dihati,
Kasih yang dulu tinggal dalam mimpi,
Kasih yang baru simpan dihati.

Selat teduh lautan tenang,
Banyak labuh perahu acheh,
Jangan kesal jangan kenang,
Kalau hati rasa pedih.....mengapa bersedih.

Kalau pinang masih muda,
Rasanya kelat sudahlah pasti,
Kalau hilang kasih lama,
Cari lain untuk ganti.....mengapa dinanti.

Patahkan tumbuh hilang berganti,
Lukakan sembuh kalau diubati,
Patahkan tumbuh hilang berganti,
Lukakan sembuh kalau diubati.

Sayang mengapa dirindu....

Source: http://www.liriklagumuzika.com/2008/09/lirik-mengapa-dirindu-saloma.html

P/s: Why I love this song? Because I came across R*zalman's *yes, the designer* Insta on which he planned a wedding with the theme: #pramleethewedding - ala bangsawan opening (the prelude of this particular song) for the dais & flatscreen for the high table - just love it!

No turning back..

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

C'est payé, balayé, oublié
(It's paid for, removed, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé
(I don't care about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs
(With my memories)
J'ai allumé le feu
(I lit the fire)

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
(My troubles, my pleasures)
Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux
(I don't need them anymore)

Balayés les amours
(Swept away my past loves)
Avec leurs trémolos
(With their tremors)

Balayés pour toujours
(Swept away for always)
Je repars à zéro
(I start again from zero)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Car ma vie, car mes joies
(Because my life, my joys)
Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi
(Today, it begins with you)

Read more: Edith Piaf - Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

20140227 - Bearing the brunt of malicious gossip, stumped me for words! Unbelievable..
Just because you read the Prof's comment on my wall post.. so we are now an item for gossip fodder? What a small world mentality! I proposed for a conference to be organized next year and put myself and the Prof in the committee too - so now more evidence to support my crime? Speechless..

After 5 years working together, finally I am getting the understanding that no one is ever to be trusted!

And office gossips? Nothing is further from the truth, it is all lies and no one to be trusted!

On the other hand, I believed I have made the best decision since what I fear to happen already happened - my so-called scandal with him are out in the open. I am never so glad that I hastened out of the intricate situation before it was too late...help me God!

One

Drafted in 20130114 - It is been quite some time now since the last update.

On my quest for The One..

One (though not The One as mentioned above) has got married to a beautiful lady, according to my friend’s friend in another institution up north. I saw the couple photo *coz I still keep his no as I think of us as friends & mostly we are colleague* Wish him the very best of wedded life!

Two, I met him face to face recently through the one who introduced us. I bet he did not remember what he did *more like DID NOT do* to me. He’s doing ok to. Still a single guy.

Three, he’s still into movies  - more into blueray now. And still searching too.

Four, I keep his no but I’m not sure he has mine coz he just went missing from BBM – maybe my lack of response explained it…still alone too!

Five, I’m sure he is happy too now, much happier perhaps with more than 1 kid. Finally, I’m free of him. No more stalking his whereabouts and such. I thank God all the time and him too for the lesson learnt the hard way.

The married colleague who proposed – our situation kinda awkward til now coz I still could not forget. If we have to then I tried to work to a minimum level with him…thank God I’m not interested in getting myself promoted to a position which basically put me in position as his immediate superior hahaha! *but I was nominated, according to some*

The married classmate who lied to me – I have had the 20^th year celebration without him. I worked hard as one of the committee members so that justified my personal request not to have him around!

And then, I thought I might have the One within grasp – maybe, finally… - only that he doesn’t realised it yet! It’s ok, I pray to God that one day *before it’s too late* he will change his mind and I will be waiting.. In the mean time, I let him trifles with my heart…which has been broken too many times already! I will not be waiting forever coz it’s not fair to me and I’m not playing games here..I pray that God will make me a stronger person in the months to come.

10 weeks..

Monday, April 2nd - It was that time of the year again. We took the time and had come (two busses) all the way by boat for lunch at the J-Island Resort when it was announced that it was also a certificate presentation ceremony for HOD's Award for last year performance. My marks were a bit lower compared to the one for 2010 - I'm still thankful given that I had nothing published last year - but I still get recognised for the menial (however petty) works that I have done. Almost all of my colleagues whether academic or support staff got the same recognition too. Mind you, all that we got was just a certificate - not even boxed set of pens like last year.

But someone did not get the recognition. Maybe the way our performance being measured are biased to a certain extent depending upon who were the assessors. The 1st assessor for my section gave everyone a high mark! So it was really not a true measure of our relative performance..

At the varsity level, those top 12 performers from each department were treated to a special lunch as well as RM1000 each! However, those 12 was split into two - half quotas for academic and support staff respectively. For the support staff, everyone was of the mutual understanding that just wait for your turn (seniority or something), eventually you will get it! But for the academics, it is a totally different games altogether....I know some got it because they really deserved it, one got it again after almost 20 years *sigh* but then there are those...
Another thing worth mentioning here, last time the varsity used to give these top performers a pay rise (gaji naik menegak instead of the annual horizontal increase)!

My point of contention is why that person who-did-not-get-recognised shamelessly said this to my face: "Alah...setakat jadi AJK itu-ini pun boleh dapat cemerlang..."
At least, I still did my part - contributed to the school right?

All I know now, avoid her, ignore her - for my peace of mind!

Since I'm grumbling my dissatisfaction here, might as well include others whom I need to be alert to too:
1. There is this one particular guy, who is head of one of the varsity's Islamic club. There is this one other guy who is his deputy who is very much involved in giving talks on religious issues as well as others. On April 26th, one of my colleague's 18 yo son passed away - he had heart problem, doctor told the family that he had only a 6 seconds chance to be saved if ever he had a heart attack again. He went swimming with friends and were found almost drown in the water. All of us played a role in giving out moral supports from the hospital's morgue up to the burial ceremony. This guy (that i mentioned earlier) felt the need to told me (as chair of staff welfare club) what to do next - arrange for a special prayer session blablabla....when arrangement was already being made upon suggestion by others. But when it came to appointing the imam to lead the prayers, he said he got something else to do! So, the second guy came to the rescue... Funny thing is, he was still around during the prayer session! I had the impression, given that this is not the first time this thing happened, I definitely need to be careful around him....It took one other person last time to point out that I, as the conference secretary, was doing his treasurer's job!! And on the 3rd day of the conference, he simply excused himself from attending the closing ceremony and stay in the hotel for no obvious reasons at all...

2. This other person is supposedly a good friend of mine. I know, we have to accept everyone's quirks and everything but I find it hard to accept her behaviours when she pressured me for information about others and at the same time question why I am close with such-and-such, if a certain person is with me, she don't want to be around etc. which is basically putting me between a rock and a hard place! Yes, she is much senior than me, but does she need to always look down upon me? As if whatever she's doing is important but not mine? She had the cheek to say that the conference that I helped to organize last year of no quality!!! Damn!!! Didn't she know the amount of efforts that went into it? Obviously not...*sigh*

Moral of the story here, being assertive is way much different from being aggressive! And I very much suspected that she falls into the second category while I definitely need to up my assertiveness! Try not to be a pushover rad!

3. Ten weeks refer to the time it took to heal a broken heart - NOT!! I'm simply counting the days....I admit, I miss him very much! There wasn't a day that goes by where I didn't think of him..a quick glance at the building where he works is sufficient to put me in a melancholic mood. But at the end of the day, do remember rad, he dumped you!!! Remember what he said, after all the explanation, "..we're done, ..things are not meant to be.. and I don't want to see you anymore."

What else for me to do? I have called, smsed and emailed him to explain what had happened but alas there wasn't any room for communication. Lesson learnt the hard way - I'm such a hypocrite, so full of righteousness, blablabla... thanks to him!

But I still 'like' you, do you know that? *cue music: I wish nothing but the best for you!" Do let me know when you finally meet that one-in-millions: An Honest Woman! *gasp!!!*

Funny eh? *my heart is not in synchronize with my head*

Today is the day..

..only that it wasn't meant to be!

I planned to *cheekily* propose to him to marry me!

The perasan-bagus-alim-maksum-hypocrite-rad has come to terms with the concept of 'letting go and moving on.."

Rajuk yang tak terpujuk!

Actually, there are 3 different scenarios that happened since Sept/Oct last year. One involving a very good female friend of mine, another one is about my eldest sister and the third one is the one that I really need and want to share for now, for the obvious reason - it's beyond salvageable..

____

If you ever wonder & ask me, why the so-called 'volatile relationship' doesn't exist anymore, here is the utmost reason why:

I was caught red-handed! (Ops, kantoi!!)
I wasn't being honest.
I lied to him.

Instead of going to bed early as I already told him (since I'll be driving back to my hometown very early the next morning), I was out partying like mad with my bevy of male admirers till the early hours of the morning! Shish.....

Shame on me huh?

And I had the cheek to say, "Heyy..I did nothing wrong!!"

___

P/s: Please read between the lines..haha!

Baru ku tahu..

I thought *more like trying to convince myself* that looking for that elusive someone is beyond me! I am happy, honestly & alhamdulillah, with everything that I have on my plate right now, I just couldn't depend on someone to make me happy(-ier). In case you want to know, and wonder no more, I still google him from time to time. I don't know which is good or worst - not knowing what happen to him or knowing he made a good living now. How many times have I said, I have move on *konon...*

I read an entry on Saiful Islam just now which lead me eventually to this blog entry on Projective Personality Test by a medic students back in 2008, Leokid's Life, and more details by him on medicstudent at wordpress.

He included a drawing of a cat in his picture test which his lecturer seen to and then commented, "You need someone. You definitely need someone." Ouch!

I may not be drawing a cat anywhere but my long-time profile photos in both fb & bb are snapshots of my sister's cats!

P/s: A long, long time ago, I used to have cats *note the plural here and my role as the primary caretaker* as pets. Periods of boarding schools, college and a short stint oversea took care of the slow demise of my pets..I did consider of having cats again but my easier-not-to-commit lifestyle for now says nope!

Remember Sam (not his real name)?

Well....in the previous entry, I mentioned about my instant crushes on him simply due to his honourable behavior. So I thought maybe you would like to know that there is a beyond-slight probability that he's not interested in me OR any other girls too. Hmm...that explained 'thing' I guess! P/s: The guy who-don't-know-what-he-wants has swallowed his own bitter pills twice within a space of a week or so. I feel so gooddddd!! (vindicated actually)

Tuhan masih sayang..

#1. Again, an accident on March 19th. Is MAV going to be the death of me one day? Na'uzubillah...er, need to prepare my will now. It was raining, again, & it happened right in front of my current dwelling. I was heading home, from the left side of road, stop in the middle of road & gave my signal to turn right. In the darkness of the sun setting down, I made a mistake in judgement (this is the same place where I've been turning right daily for the last 11 months or so) as I hurriedly turn right & thus the bike slam into the front passenger side - Gedeganggggg!!! I would NOT want it to ever happen again - the feeling of horror, helplessness, guilty-ridden blablabla.....According to my 'family lawyer', and as proven by the police summon immediately received, I was definitely guilty since the bike had the right of way but, but he has also the duty of care to slow down which was quite difficult at that time due to the road condition. Thank God, he was ok - even if the bike was NOT ok.... #2. I'm 36 now and I still have crushes - awwwww..... I first met Sam (not his real name) during one of the compulsory courses for new staff in June last year. He was outspoken and whenever he contributed to the discussion I felt like he's showing off since he'll mentioned his phd & work experience in Birmingham (again & again) and he speaks Queen's English. I was impressed at the same time! Then, we had another courses in December where we did share our experience with regards to sexual harassment at work (during one of the sessions). He had female student wearing hot pants *gasp!* leaning while sitting near him during discussion - it was obvious the girl was hitting on him & so forth. When it came to my story (mentioned in previous entry), he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend and come to office to settle things or something like that. Was he wonderful, manly or what? *I'm gushing with gratitude* Well..that basically covered everything. Some time in the last couple of weeks (on 24th March to be exact), I headed up to the bookshop on campus. Since I was passing by his building (i mean his work office, he has a side business too) I did think of him like.. wouldn't it nice to meet him again blablabla...a girl can only wish! After the bookshop, I headed back down & stopped at the pharmacy. My mind was thinking of, "...too bad, he was nowhere to be found!" and my hand was on the door to push it open. Imagine how big was my surprise when the door was pulled open for me and he was there greeting me!!!!! Had quite a shock actually & don't know what I blabbering after that.. What I would like to emphasize here is how wonderful it is - a simple act of kindness & gentleness on his part - being a gentleman, noticing me, by opening the door he made my day! AND I knew now that he has recurring attacks of gout which is hereditary but he simply loves seafood, cooked by his mom. #3. I have move on, finally. I can now think of him, look at his photos etc. and simply wish the best in life for him. That heavy leaden-heart feeling is gone. Thank you Allah. It was the closure that I have been looking for. #4. I gave as good as I get. This particular single guy (mentioned some where before) is problematic - in communicating his thoughts. Rude. Selfish too. Imagine, he started a conversation (either smses or BBMs), I replied, to get the ball rolling I asked further questions...AND he simply ignored me! One, or twice is still considered ok. I did mention the annoying habit to him directly and he just laugh it off! But it has gone beyond enough to me...now I simply not responded to his msgs, deleted him from my BBM contacts - let him swallow his own bitter pills haha! Remind me, why do I need him as a friend again? #5. Need to work harder at work. Publications!

An Unholy Proposal

..the sort that I have been waiting for so long but NOT from the right person. *Uurghh!!*

What makes it so wrong?

You misinterpreted my warmth and friendliness with something else. I thought I was only closing the gap between the administrative staff and the academics. I treated you no different from the way I talked to (or eat together with) the office driver (not that I am looking down on the person and the job but the driver was of different race and married too) and others.

You dare to think that you are only wanting to help me - an unmarried (yet!) lady – before I reach 40 and become more desperate? Oh P.L.E.A.S.E…….

You make it such that the ‘blessed invite’ came from your wife? You think I’m that stupid?

You think highly of yourself – at least I dare to be open & honest *konon* - so you proposed to me during office hour at my office? I might be slow in terms of responding but... man, what you did is totally not honourable!!

You thought and did sweetened the ‘whole deal’ by offering me packet of cucur udang which I ate before the you came clean? Not that I need to worry about black magic since:

…But they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah's permission. And they learned what harmed them not what profited them. And they knew that the buyers of (magic) would have no share in the happiness of the Hereafter. And vile was the price for which they did sell their souls, if they but knew! (Holy Quran: Baqarah #102)

God, please..

I am looking for a simple guy..

..who is ‘able to respond’. (define 'responsible')

1. Was it too much to ask for a half-gentleman? At the very least, I had started the ball rolling for you..I made the first call, left a message..and all you can messaged much later was that, “Sorry2x..tengah khusyuk tengok bola?” Prftttttt!!

2. (A variation of the ‘same theme’ in fb: Prfttttttttttt!!!!)

3. Was it too much to ask for you to answer that One Single Question? After all, you did answer all the rest of my insubstantial questions. No answer is already an answer by itself, I guess..(Yes, rad who is 'always jump into conclusions..'). No need to come back looking for me the next day, as if nothing had happened, and said, “Apa cer?” Prfttttttttttt!!!!

4. Was it too much to ask for a half-sensitive decent guy? I know everyone nowadays come with emotional baggages…yes, even a metrosexual guy like you. Do you have to read too much into my statements? Maybe I need to a have a permanent sign on me, “Rad who is always putting her foot in her mouth!” Prfttttttttttt!!!!

5. And there were you, yes YOU - the one over there. Did you know that I have make peace with myself, forgive you (even if there is nothing to forgive according to your standard) deleted you from my YM (after sending you an email a long, long time ago (and no reply), thanking you for the supports & prayers so far), and think of all the goods things that may happen to you? Was it fair to me when you simply came out of the blue in YM & say, “Salam rad…” and left me waiting for 2 nights & days (spoilt my whole weekend too with needless anticipation) for your respond to a simple question, “Where are you now?” All I thought was, “Now, we can be friends…at least!” Prftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!

Honestly, don't you bother now...I gave up!

..tonite is the nite!!

After maghrib, (cue music All-4-One's So Much in Love):
As we strolled along together,
(NO) holding hands walking all along Gurney Drive......
...
As we walked by the sea together,
under stars twinkling high above.....
(talked about relationships in general, marriage in particular)


Maka, kami pon tibalah di Gurney Drive punya tpt makan tu. Cheq dgn muka tak malunya order lah pasemborq (pinggan besar- utk share berdua!), char kue teow & laksa Penang, drinks pon gelas besaq. Sambung sembang tak ingat dunia sampai la dekat 12 mlm kot, tu pon blah pasai gerai2 nak tutup dah.

Then, we strolled back to the hotel (cancelled off taking a cab, not cheapskate lah but to burn more calories).

On the way back tu, the person said, why don't you just stay with me tonite? *Wawawa!!* I already had my overnite bag in my car boot

(To be continued...) Ngantuk la!

Err..

After I said, "All hope is gone..." somebody told me to give it another try - you know, just be friends, no expectation and things like that.

So, I messaged him on the pretext of asking where to go for early dinner since I've a visitor. I invited him along, and offered to pick him up. Called him to confirm the pick up point.

My special visitor said, given the earlier discreet instruction to 'look him over' during our threesome dinner, "Ok, he passed!" (sort of la, meaning he looks normal, act normal - even cute? hahaha...I couldn't remember exactly)

Only that it took him three weeks after that dinner (including thank you message immediately after I sent him home, in front of his gate) to call me again, for breakfast together, yesterday.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of him..

My advisor (you know who you are) said, "Don't superanalyse him...don't be too intense.."

P/s: Someone else is bugging my mind too. Help! I couldn't concentrate..

I tried, honestly I did try hard enough...

..maybe i was too harsh on him.
..maybe I'm too critical, demanding, picky, choosy or whatever.
..maybe he's testing me now.


So I thought why not give it another chance..

..but then he called me (over the phone), "Babe!" BABE????!!!!!!



Not once, twice.




All hope is gone I guess. *knockforeheadonthewall* Duh2x!