Main tarik tali

I really like you, do you know that? I guess, it should be very obvious by now that I do.

What has happened last Friday was not something intentional on my part. I asked you out for dinner and then I chickened-out at the very last minute - I was thinking, what will people think? If they know that I was the one who asked you out? As we already went out the night before... I think I'll be embarrassed to know if by doing that people will think (this is very important to me somehow, don't ask me why..but I do care about what people think of me) that I am needy, clingy or worst - desperate!! At the same time, I left the option to you - I really want you to say that you wanted that dinner with me! So that when we looked back or if people asked, I could say, you're the one who asked me out...you took the decision out of me.

And this thing about my 'ramaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii kawan lelaki keliling pinggang' and my so-called quest for perfection - I'm hugely annoyed by now! If only you knew me, how far from the truth that is....

Well, I won't bother explaining myself to you anymore...maybe this IS the sign from above that I asked for. Maybe we are not meant to be......

And the good thing that came out at the end of this interlude...I know now that.. is just a fleeting memory!

P/s: I'm not going to be bitter about this...and thanks to your pointers, I know now what people (at least one) think of me.

2nd

They are going to meet for dinner, 8pm.

Somebody said s/he going to be late.

Somebody said it's ok, I don't mind waiting - lambat2 pun takpe..

Somebody took it literally as that someone is patience enough to wait, maybe, forever..since s/he is busy with last minutes work!

Then only s/he sent next message & rushed out office at 11:30pm!

But, it was way, way too late...all the anticipations for nothing since the balloon has burst!

K.I.S.S

1. A new colleague approached me, saying that her husband knew me (we have met a couple of times at international conferences) & described me as 'a person with ceria face & big eyes'! Thank you. You simply made my day!

2. I received an award (at departmental level) at work place. It was based on overall job performance for last year - only those with 85% or more marks. The person who sat next to me also received the same award. She said, "After 20 years of working, now only I received this award..." Only silence from moi since (I started back in Nov 2009 so..) it has been only 1 year or so for me! Patut rasa bersalah kah? But, but there are those who received it almost annually!

3. Somebody is having a similar weird situation as mine. We both deal with people (students, colleagues, etc.) in our line of duty. Must we pretend ignorance when we met face to face when there are other people around? But continue messaging & phone calls (for lucky some!) or emails which more or less refer to personal stuff & beyond our call of duties? I saw sparks flying here & there!! I do worry about her though.. since he's obviously taken!

4. I asked a certain newly wedded person, "How's the baby making business?" Of course, I meant to ask whether there is any reasons for the Big Family to celebrate! She said, "Kau tak tau ke? Sakittt la!" Ops!! T.M.I again *sigh*

5. Life is good, alhamdulillah. I have some good days & some bad days but pretty much nothing to complaint about! Like someone said, I have 'rupa tak kurang, belajar tinggi & I bet good income'... if only less fussy, and no more 'ramaiiiiiii kawan lelaki (inc. ex-es) keliling pinggang! *sigh*

Things I learnt the hard way...

P/s: I just came back from work (yesterday I came back after 7:30pm) and dead-tired right now but there is a loud Parti Arak going-on downstairs so might as well utilized the time to unleash my thoughts.

1. Never, ever choose a date for an official function immediately after a long holiday break like the Annual Raya Exodus. Reasons being all the last minutes preparations (being a typical Malaysian institution & people with 'attitude' - Oh help me God!) will definitely interrupt your earlier well-planned trip back to hometown. And you worry about the actual turnout too since most people will be busy with their open house routine (not for moi! maybe next year) and another rounds of visiting relatives & friends on weekends. Festive seasons are not a good time to travel for the foreigners too.

2. Never, ever choose a 5-star hotel as the venue simply because, well, you just want to! Reasons being not everyone (paying participants) could afford it especially those coming from not so developed countries - even my room entitlement is insufficient to cover the most basic room - such that you worry about the event's account being in the red or black depending upon the number of participants which slowly trickling in and later they may decide to withdraw since not enough funding! *gasp!*
Best alternative, choose not the beach hotels but one closer to home so that you can commute daily & save money on committee members' accommodation.

3. Never, ever accept any invite to join a committee again without checking out the trustworthiness of the other members. Naive me was roped in only from the 3rd (or was it 4th) meeting to handle to most challenging assignment, if I said so myself, no wonder there was no takers earlier! And the person who roped me in, let us called him KA, was one who is clever enough to pass the baton, not only him but some cother members too, to unlucky moi! A classic example, I asked the person-in-charge of promotion to come out with a new brochure. This person, says F, then asked KA for the materials only for KA to ask me to instruct the next person on how to do it! There I was, thinking about a secretary job is about letters & minutes, only to end up sitting down with the graphic designer to come out eventually with the posters, brochures AND banners too! Have they no shame? Nahh!!!

4. Never, ever again agree to work with these people:
KA - as mentioned above; very good at delegating tasks (no in proper way)!
F - same, but at least he helped me by responding to my emails/BBMed/SMSes
N - she did almost nothing esp. those assigned to her! No wonder she wanted me in her sub-committee. But she did work with me to produce the full programme - by coming to my room.
F - she is senior but junior, we did help her to prepare the sponsorship letter, many rounds of emails & editing, still not settled due to her being away (good excuses but still not an excuse to release her one & only duty) and eventually managed to snare a sponsorship of........jeng3x.......





.. RM3K! (From hundreds of letters sent)
The Prof who said 'a person of his level don't play with a petty occasion such as ours' - he then said, "I know you can do all this, no need to put my name...blablabla" According to him, everything is simple & easy! And I ended up doing all his work - shame on me!
The Junior Officer who always said nothing much in minutes from the previous meeting, would manage to find reasons to come late or not coming at all & not contributing a thing - a mere notetaker. Very disappointing attitude...

5. Never, ever cross the boundary that defines colleagues VS friends. Should limit my fb interactions with those colleagues. Unless they are real friends. Reasons being:
a. 1 colleague is mad at him because I told him off, lazy! To cut short a long story, I lost 2 friends (ZZ too). I found out the hard way after layan-tak-layan phone calls etc. when he purposedly snub me at the corridor! He even went as far as looking the other way...huhuhu. During the recent eid, I asked for forgineness but he only replied to return my eid wishes. Same case as her.
b. Another colleague used me as her sounding board - at least that is how it feels to me. Asking me to come to her room & listen to her research activities. She refused to join in my committee (no hard feeling there)and then kept on saying she is busy - as if I'm not busy? And kept on harassing me over the minutiae fact that her name is still in the list! Hello there, I already help in so many ways to take that out but that thing is beyond my control - I'm simply not in charge!
c. Another colleague finds a new bestie - not moi. She asked me to come to her open house through her! She told her whenever she took leave & such. Last time, she used to share everything with me. (God, now I feel like back in primary school again)


5. Never, ever loose focus again: post-Sept 17, it's gonna be all research & publication insyaAllah. There are people who are just waiting for my downfall. But I have my trust in God....

Why am I so mad lately, as in now????

I went to a stupid local bank. I made a stupid mistake by not calling & make an appointment first. It was simply a simple matter of changing the signatories of the Club's bank account from the old committees to the new ones. From past experience, we (chairperson, secretary & the treasurer) were told that it was a simple matter of us being presence at the bank together with a copy of the AGM's minutes. Dang, we're wrong! That was last year! So, after the signings we're told to come again with the official letter stating the new appointments by the ex-chairman. On the second visit by me alone, since it's an Islamic bank & our treasurer is a non-Muslim - I was thinking to save him a visit - I was told that, "Oh, we need the Club's official stamp!" Damn me twice now! A quick check around back at the office revealed that the current stamp was tatty but I was told that even if we make a new stamp it has to be similar to the current one & I need to bring the old one as well to the bank. So, off we went to make a new one!

That was so last week.......so today, everything is ready finally - that was what I thought - off to bank again for the third time only to be told that the person in charge was on leave. Ok, how about the next person in charge? Passed from one into another, finally they concurred that I'll have to simply wait for that person to be back working at her desk again!!! What a stupid bank considering the fact that I had to go round in circles twice to park my car!!


Stupid no. 2 moment.
Again, the conference is really killing me softly inside - I'm boiling mad! Let's not go into that now. The gist of thing was I took over the banner thing - sent the design for printing last thursday, haggle over the price and was promised that it will be ready by 10am on Monday.

By 10 something am this morning, I was already anxious & made the first call. Then, a second call around 11-ish. It went into voice-mail. By lunch hour, I sent a message - nicely asking him to message me once the banners are ready. He replied saying that the banners are readied but he was outside the campus (by the way, it was an on-campus shop, conveniently chosen). So I waited and waited.....

Back from the bank, I decided to drop by seeing that the shop was open. The owner-guy recognised me & started giving excuses, the banner was not here yet blablabla...my questions to him was, "Why can't you call & inform me? Or have the courtesy at least to message me? What was the use of promising me 10am if you cannot deliver?"

And i just left..frustratingly mad! Don't they know how to do business? First, the bank & now this printing shop? Oh, let's not forget the salesguy - which I considered for a temporary insanity moments that I felt crushed into (see previous entry, what was I thinking?? Major stupido!!)- who kindly let me waited for half an hour not once but twice! Man, I was the client, the customer is KING!!!

And last night, over a phone conversation, somebody had the cheek to call me stingy?? S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? It wasn't the first time that this happened..

Just because I mentioned that I was too lazy too cook and thus having maggi mee for dinner she dared to call me stingy? I who unselfishly undertook a personal loan of RM25K to help mak pay for the house renovation (second phase) and forked out RM1K every month to pay it back which basically translated into no new shiny car for me, no to my own house downpayment too?? I even had to borrow from my angah in order to provide the downpayment for my apartment?? I waited and saved money for the last 6 months in order to come out with my downpayment for my new ride all because I didn't trade-in my MAV - it was given freely to my sister - the one who is staying with mak. I am the one who consistently & financially help my other sister (the one whose husband passed away due to diabetes) since the first month I started working in 2009. I am the one who come up with an on-going education fund to reward those nephews & nieces (including siblings that further their study - she was one of the first recipient) that do well in major exams like UPS*, PM* and SP* as well as varsity level. Every year without miss (except those miserable years towards the end of my study) I bought mak & my few selected sisters material for their kurung and there was even a year back in 2000 when I bought the materials for everyone including my sister-in-laws. There are other occasions which I ought to mention here but to call me: S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? Unbelievable!!

And there was one too many person that is bugging me at work!


Oh God, I am ashamed of myself - for losing control and showing my anger today. Have mercy My Lord and forgive me..

Why am I so mad lately, as in now????

I went to a stupid local bank. I made a stupid mistake by not calling & make an appointment first. It was simply a simple matter of changing the signatories of the Club's bank account from the old committees to the new ones. From past experience, we (chairperson, secretary & the treasurer) were told that it was a simple matter of us being presence at the bank together with a copy of the AGM's minutes. Dang, we're wrong! That was last year! So, after the signings we're told to come again with the official letter stating the new appointments by the ex-chairman. On the second visit by me alone, since it's an Islamic bank & our treasurer is a non-Muslim - I was thinking to save him a visit - I was told that, "Oh, we need the Club's official stamp!" Damn me twice now! A quick check around at the office revealed that the current stamp was tatty but I was told that even if we make a new stamp it has to be similar to the current one & I need to bring the old one as well to the bank. So, of to make a new one!

That was so last week.......so today, everything is ready finally - that was what I thought - off to bank again for the third time only to be told that the person in charge was on leave. Ok, how about the next person in charge? Passed from one into another, finally they concurred that I'll have to simply wait for that person to be back in her desk again!!! What a stupid bank considering the fact that I had to go round in circles twice to park my car!!


Stupid no. 2 moment.
Again, the conference is really killing me softly inside - I'm boiling mad! Let's not go into that now. The gist of thing was I took over the banner thing - sent the design for printing last thursday, haggle over the price and was promised that it will be ready by 10am on Monday.

By 10 something am this morning, I was already anxious & made the first call. Then, a second call around 11-ish. It went into voice-mail. By lunch hour, I sent a message - nicely asking him to message me once the banners are ready. He replied saying that the banners are readied but he is outside the campus (by the way, it was an on-campus shop, conveniently chosen). So I waited and waited.....

Back from the bank, I decided to drop by seeing that the shop is open. The owner-guy recognised me & started giving excuses, the banner is not here yet blablabla...my questions to him was, "Why can't you call & inform me? or at least message me? What was the use of promising me 10am if you cannot deliver?" And i just left..frustratingly mad! Don't they know how to do business? First, the bank & now this printing shop? Oh, let's not forget the salesguy - which I considered for a temporary insanity moments that I felt crushed into - who kindly let me waited for half an hour nor once but twice! Man, I was the client, the consumer is KING!!!

Infatuation..

...was short-lived. Don't ask me further. I had just calmed down from my beyond mad moment hahaha..*and i feel really stupid too, major stupido!*

And this stupid neighbour who live on top floor (above me - 3 storeys flat) need to really learn some communal living etiquette like kalau nak tumbuk sambal tu (helllooooo!!! Never heard of blender kerr??) using mortar & pestle on a cement floor pandai2lah alas dengan kain or suratkhabar tebal!!! Your pounding are literally hard-knocks upon my head - arghhhhhHH!!!

They like me...they don't like me!

1. Not everyone likes me, obviously.

I was having an early dinner with a colleague just now. She was having one of those ‘need a shoulder to cry on’ moments. Me being me, before she can actually get to her actual reasons to (so-called) cry, I was already bombarding her with all the things that actually bothered me today like the fact that I noticed this one particular colleague who totally ignored me when we’re on a colliding path, around noon, & I was smiling and ready to exchange pleasantries like, “Where are you going?” Or maybe, “Out early for lunch eh?”

She. Just. Ignored. me.

And, it wasn’t for the first time either. She is the same person who actually looked down on me (and said it out loud during a committee meeting which I was invited for & kind of forcefully agreed to volunteer) just because I am a junior. She is also among those in the mailing list of those not-happy-why-the-juniors-are-getting-the-same-salary-scale with our newly minted phds while they have been ‘slaving for years, started with nothings’ just to get the seniority.

My friend was saying, “Nah, I don’t notice anything different. Maybe you are thinking too much of it….”

After we’re done with our dinner, we make way to the car. From quite a distance, I noticed her car coming in our direction and my mind immediately thought, “Panjang umur dia ni..” And I was smiling too!

She lowered her window pane & just talked to the friend behind me without even a glance to me!

I can take it. Not everyone likes me, you see. I can live with it.

But, you’re making it difficult for me to like you either. At the current work place which I intend to serve quite for long, I only ignore ONE person. He broke my trust in him when he proposed marriage…I try very hard not to hate him. It’s not just because he’s married either. I have a very strong feeling that he wanted to take advantage of ‘the situation’ – that is all to it!

2. Two faces.

Did I mention about my confirmation interview last month? Well, I thought it went quite smoothly – well enough, considering the fact that I have no new publication for last year. I faced a panel consisting of one external professor, the big boss, one of his/her deputies, an internal assoc. professor and two ‘gatekeepers’. I was really scared of the external professor since he’s in my immediate field of research and he can easily make life difficult for me as he had that kind of reputation you know! Surprisingly, he’s ok – in fact, he is the one who emphasized that the thesis is MY work and thus should have MY name in front! And not the other way around, even after I explained that ‘supervision culture’ in other places are different..while the deputy dean (who acted as my team leader for all group activities that we did together last years) was the one who highlighted the fact that maybe I was spending too much time on doing all the other stuff and thus less publication. The big boss then said, “If we confirm you now, meaning.. are you going to work less?” To which I answered cleverly (even if I said so myself), “I do things because I want to do it. If I don’t want to do it, nobody can force me to do it..” (a couple of examples come to mind here but let’s not go into that now)

The internal professor was smiling (oh, I had already an informal discussion during lunch with him, impromptu) and asked the expected questions – no surprise here.

What surprise me today is to actually found out that he is not happy with me since I was getting a better appraisal marks (Alhamdulillah 88.2 for last year) than him! He, who published THREE papers, while I was involved (and headed one) in numerous activities to get other people to publish, presented a collaborative paper in Seoul, taught three courses (forget about the no. of students hahaha), took photos (need to mention this since our annual report used at least 5 photos taken by me, a mentor for a community project, went back to my alma mater for a career talk (this come under community work), my work with one of the ministries from time to time, the (appointed but worked voluntarily) staff welfare committee as well volunteered for the botanical garden’s club activities, represent the varsity (Hello! Aerobic squad!) etc. etc.. Of course, those are the small things that matters and they did add up nicely even if I scored less for publications (more weight!). Is he saying, those appraisal marks appear just out of nowhere? Puhleeezzzzzzz…… oh, another thing is I went to quite a number of training programme for the whole of last year too!

Two faces. I can live with this too.

3. He is just too cute.

There is this new ruling with regards to buying car in our country. Unless you’re paying in full cash (are you nuts?), you need to get the loan approved, the car is in stock and then only you pay a maximum of 1% of booking fee. I went to the showroom last Thursday to have a look at all the models (I already knew what I’m getting with my ‘minuscule budget’ – definitely NOT what I want though..), filled in the loan application form and sort of illegally paid the booking fee (to lock in the car for me coz I want a ready stock, couldn’t wait for August for the next batch).

The loan was approved earlier in the morning today. Had to rush to prepare the bank draft for the down payment (15% instead of 10% so that I get a 2K rebate instead of 1.5K discount plus some amount of free maintenance) and went to sign the loan agreement and everything later in the afternoon.

I hope he’s not distracted by the big, red pimple under my nose (fave spot to appear – must be a choked up nerve there). Must remember to wear something nice tomorrow. And remember my rehearsed script too, “Have you had your breakfast?” Wait. For his response. My next line, “I haven’t had my breakfast yet…” Wait. Again. Let him leads…if he’s interested la! But, he is just too cute. And young huhuhu… Must keep my silent. Intrigue him. (God, this is so difficult!)

According to both friends that accompanied me during the first visit, he was quite taken aback when I informed the bank officer (sitting together with all of us at the table) of my single status. And he's been avoiding looking at me too, said friends who were busy texting each other about me & him. Oh, there's hope yet!

The good, the bad..

OOO - I have been out-of-office for the past one week. Thank God, I have never felt so glad to leave my office ever before.. This time around I relished the thought of using the out-of-office mail’s auto-reply so that I have the satisfaction of knowing all that annoying person got for every email sent to me was the auto-reply! Did she ever understand the OOO concept? Nope, she still emailed me on a Sunday – of all day!??? GrrrrRRRRR!!! I have enough of her to last me a life time!
ROM – a good friend of mine ties the knot recently. They will be having the traditional wedding ceremony later in November this year. I was gushing over her ROM’s dress - traditional cut ie cheongsam but with lace material which mimicked that Royal Wedding Gown – a natural make-up which made her glowing from inside out, pearl & dangling earrings to woot! So, since I missed her ROM, I have been asking her all sort of questions today – where she bought that dress, her last minute decision with regards to the dress & make up, why are they postponing the honeymoon til year end etc. etc. When I asked about honeymoon, what I had in mind was more like where are they going, I expect something more like uploaded photos later to share on fb so I was kinda taken aback when she jumped ahead & said, “Are you gonna asked about first night? Sakittttt tauuu!!!!”
Awwwwww…..that definitely comes under TMI!!!! I was blushing and dunno how to react – what is proper actually at time as such? I am an OLD MAID, r’ber?

And not only that, I also end up dispersing notes *in between blushing like crazy* (instruction for her on what to google *You never, ever google before?! Nope, she said* so that she also get to enjoy *ahem!*, endearment to use unsparely - she should starts it with just between the two of them if she’s shy of other ppl listening hehehe *suggested a simple ‘B’ for hubby* – perfume, soft music and scented candles to heat up the mood, check on the in-laws from time to time since basically theirs are long-distance marriage for now etc. etc. * a lot more info which I dare not share here since you’ll be wondering then - how come rad seems to know so much? Hehehe..*
Oh, today was also a catch-up day at work with my colleagues. I ordered & received 3 (+1 free) fridge magnets from one who came back from Spain, one came back from sabbatical in Middle East gave me prayer beads, one who came back from the pilgrimage – a set of forks & spoons just because I commented on her own set some time ago – another one from pilgrimage, at a later date, with family – a bottle of attar perfume, one who presented paper in one of the towns in France and dropped by in LV’s flagship store in Paris in order for the lucky wife to bought her third LV bag (& countless purses) at only 400+ Euro (equivalent to RM1800) bought stamps for me (I have started to collect stamps again!) and an Eiffel Tower key-chain (my numero 3 at least!), one who came back from sabbatical in Melbourne – a shot glass, AND the best present of the day was when I opened my mails to discovered a cheque for my income tax returned! Heeeeeeeeeeeee…………………………………….

That money means I will be transferring ownership of MAV to my sis – the one who stay with mak at kampong and who will be getting married soon – and now I’ve enough money to pay as down-payment for a new ride! I asked mak, “What colour would mak prefer?” She said, “Choose la red!” Errr…..I guess she wants me to announce my arrival to the world ahahahah! Errr….not Beemer or mata belalang yet *dream on rad, insyaAllah* but a switch from local to imported car would be good enough for now and do remind, not to speed up – I’m yet to marry! hehehe

The first..

batch of graduating students, since I started teaching in July 2009, will be having their convocation some time in September this year. Given that my Econ-major classes at level three and four varies and consisted of mostly *wait, need to count with my fingers!* 8, 5, 4, even 3 students (but don't you worry, the bulk of my students come from non-Econ major, more than 100 of them), so I'll be happy enough to know one of them is to graduate for sure! He sent me an email with a few lines of thank yous & oh..I was touched for sure!

Still on the same thread, I was helping with the courses registration process last night for the new intake. Basically, they all need to take the same courses regardless Econ- or non-Econ major for their first year. It was quite a dissappointment when we have to entertain again & again request from these new students, "Can we drop Econ and replace it, say, with History?" What is wrong with taking Econ? It is the most fun subject ever! Right???!!

Mixed feelings

Today was an important day for my second eldest sister. She is 47 year old and still single but not for long since today was the day that her future husband came officially to meet the family. According to my other sister (in case you forget, I've 5 sisters AND 5 SILs (including one ex, excluding one other ex who passed away) out of three brothers), everything went smoothly and insyaAllah (God's willing) they will get engaged in two months time and will wed a month after that during Eid. The guy is OK, 56 yo, a widower whose wife passed away 11 years ago, with 4 kids ranging from 37, the eldest, to the youngest daughter of 25 yo. The first two kids are married so he has grandchildren already and thus my sister is going to get an instant big family!

I am really happy for her. But at the same time I'm worried too - for her and for my mom. She is the one who stay with my mom in the hometown. There has been a big row recently which left the two of them not in good/talking term anymore. It's a long & complicated story - give me a big headache even by just listening all about it from far away. In one of the 'drama scenes', she simply left home for a couple of nights after a quarrel with one of my brothers. She blamed mom for taking my brother's side and not listened to her. The thing is, she is really a difficult person to discuss with and often times, I just gave up! Let me give you an example: a long, long time ago when I was doing my master's degree, I stayed in her house (that time in town) and paid her rental. I can't remember the details but we argued over tv channels (no compromise at all) which left me boiling mad and I just went ahead and bought my own (larger) tv in cash (Thank God I had the money!). Er, that wasn't the only time I had issues with her. Back in 1993, when I was working as a factory's production operator aka minah kilang, we had a big row too. And as recent as 2004, when she was already staying in our hometown, we all (mom, sister, me, SIL and bro) went for umrah but she refused to be in the same car with me (when I'm easily the easiest person to be with - I swear the truth!) during the journey to the airport.

The issue now is mom, who is no longer happy staying in her own house in our hometown. I felt really disappointed coz after all that she spent on renovating the house (55K out of 85K from her savings & the balance covered by moi (I could have easily paid downpayment for a new car and an apartment too); another 20K from mom for The Troublesome Gate (yes, gate as in entrance gate) - the one that caused the Big Row as mentioned above), now she is not longer comfortable in her own house, like enjoying her old-age days by having the whole clan gather together from time to time. She can't even open the windows in the living room coz according to my sister, "...the dust will get in!" Arghhhhhhhhh!!! She (the sister, not my mother) sets too many rules!

I hope the best for my sister - I really want her to be happy so that my mom can be happy too. I wish I could take care of her (mom not sister) but there's nothing much that I can do now except pray for the best solutions for everyone. Dunno about the post-wedding arrangement yet. Her wedding anyway not mine...hehe

Do i need to explain myself?

Have you ever heard of this phrase, "..ibarat penyapu baru, maka kenalah rajin bekerja?" (New broom works harder at sweeping floor?)

How do you feel if you immediate superior (IS) keeps on repeating his/her statement, "..saya dulu, suka sangat bila Head bagi tugasan..? (I like it when my head asked me to do stuff!)

These work assignments are way different from the normal duties i.e. job descriptions like teaching and researching and everything that they entail or in-between.

The Head called some selected newcomers (including moi) for a meeting and assigned us to research & come up with a proposal for something - pure academic document - the sample shown to us contained 150+ pages, excluding the appendices.

I wasn't rejecting the assignment per se but I did raise a few concerns like the fact that each and everyone of us (read: moi!) are swamped with things to do. At the last count, I am involved in 6 committees whereby 2 is almost nonexistence (Thank God!) in terms of what if required from me other than be present in meetings; an ad hoc committee specifically to increase the quality and quantity of our research outputs and these involve activities ranging from motivational talks, writing boot camps (I was in-charged of one last year), supposed to update the board set up as writers' corner too, an internal bulletin, blablabla..; organizing committee members for an international conference in Sept - I was the secretary, help with promotion to the extent of sitting down with the graphic designer to helped him design the poster, deals with the enquiries and papers submission (acknowledgment of receipt, notice of acceptance individually) etc. etc.; a special commemorative book project which was started last year but didn't move at all and I was rope-in reluctantly in April and then stupidly volunteered to do the photo selection with two other members. At same time, I am handling enquiries about graduate student's supervision (two proposals to read); my own research grant application is way overdue; correction for one of the papers from my thesis/conferences (my supervisor - the umbilical cord IS still strongly attached) and need to push it for publication somewhere; AND to top it all they appointed me the chair of this body who look after the overall staff welfare where I need to deal with letters to the big, big boss (got a memo for this - lesson learnt, everything should go through the Head first), to collect members' annual contribution; to invite small businesses which are routinely involved to open their stalls during the orientation week, had to listen to their grouses too about high rent, no customers blablabla.. handle the meetings, bargain for money/stuff, had to speak in public/ in front again & again - arggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Should I be flattered that they (shown raise of hands) elected me when actually someone else did volunteer and earlier on got people to lobby on her behalf? Even the Head is rooting (s/he told me indirectly) for that person instead of me! But somehow she choosed me, instead of her, to be in the committee above? When I tried to withdraw my name from the contest for chairperson by mentioning the fact that I'm busy with the above mentioned stuff, there were people who said behind my back, "..macam la dia sorang je yang busy!" (As if she is the only busy one!) Do I need to explain my schedule to them?

You know what, I honestly didn't want all of the above (maybe some, for my yearly performance appraisal) but since I proved (said a newcomer who is good at avoiding everything; and had the cheek to laugh at me!) to them that I can do the job so now I'm being thoroughly punished for it! ANd just because my English is better than some of them! (Well, it's laughable really..)

After the no hold barred meeting mentioned above, I then had my interviewed for job confirmation in the afternoon - of the same day. One of the panels raised a question, whether somehow by involving in mcuh I may be neglecting or lacking in the things that matter i.e. research & publications? He hitted the right button to me but later the Head (serious face mode) asked whether i might be shirking away from doing all those stuff once I'm confirmed?? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many time do I need to explain myself? I do things because I want to do it, I can do it (up to a certain extent) but I don't need people to push their agenda on me! I also don't need heads of committee who incompetent who set no deadline, assign nothing specific but expect miracle to happen & then told me not to worry, no problem blablabla again & again!

And some had the nerve to question my ability? Help me God! I had to deal with members who had no idea of punctuality; ignored emails when they feel like it; letters that need to go for THREE rounds of discussion before being signed (definitely had a twisted understanding of the word delegation of duties since s/he still need to know every nitty-gritty details through emails), some even has the misconception that I have to go to all funerals/any ceremonies?

A.R.G.H.H.!

The day I met Dini..

..the abandon baby. He was left under a tree, back in April 2011. He's now under the care of State Welfare Department, being considered for adoption.

He's really lucky and fortunate compared to the one that we read in the local news today about a newborn baby (with umbilical cord still attached) thrown from somewhere up on a flat into a dumpster (but missed it) . What is wrong with us? Are we not human anymore?

And this Dini boy, who didn't make a fuss at all during the waiting for his court session, definitely deserved a better set of parents who will provide as much love & care that he'll need insyaAllah.

P/s: Er, I was summoned to court for traffic offence related to my previous accident. Was scared shit when the police officer on duty called me to enter the magistrate court (for traffic) as I wasn't prepared at all. Thank God, as well as for my loyar buruk brother, who already pull some strings from far away, so that eventually I was only summoned to appear in the magistrate's chamber. The Tuan Magistrate looks so young (mid-20s..but he's married la, in case you're wondering - I saw the 3-fingers henna on his nails hehehe..) but the Prosecuting Officer (PO - a high ranking policeman) looked serious but kind enough to help by pointing out the fact that the accident happened during heavy rain; there were also the translator (Jurubahasa) who read my charge sheet and of course the police officer who accompanied me (pesalah?) from the magistrate court, in chamber, and to the payment counter. Basically, I just read my rehearsed script, admitted guilty and appealed for a lesser sentence (as much as RM2000, normal compound of RM300). Accident does happened, I should be more careful at all time and pray harder so as no repeat of this experience insyaAllah.

Baru ku tahu..

I thought *more like trying to convince myself* that looking for that elusive someone is beyond me! I am happy, honestly & alhamdulillah, with everything that I have on my plate right now, I just couldn't depend on someone to make me happy(-ier). In case you want to know, and wonder no more, I still google him from time to time. I don't know which is good or worst - not knowing what happen to him or knowing he made a good living now. How many times have I said, I have move on *konon...*

I read an entry on Saiful Islam just now which lead me eventually to this blog entry on Projective Personality Test by a medic students back in 2008, Leokid's Life, and more details by him on medicstudent at wordpress.

He included a drawing of a cat in his picture test which his lecturer seen to and then commented, "You need someone. You definitely need someone." Ouch!

I may not be drawing a cat anywhere but my long-time profile photos in both fb & bb are snapshots of my sister's cats!

P/s: A long, long time ago, I used to have cats *note the plural here and my role as the primary caretaker* as pets. Periods of boarding schools, college and a short stint oversea took care of the slow demise of my pets..I did consider of having cats again but my easier-not-to-commit lifestyle for now says nope!

Remember Sam (not his real name)?

Well....in the previous entry, I mentioned about my instant crushes on him simply due to his honourable behavior. So I thought maybe you would like to know that there is a beyond-slight probability that he's not interested in me OR any other girls too. Hmm...that explained 'thing' I guess! P/s: The guy who-don't-know-what-he-wants has swallowed his own bitter pills twice within a space of a week or so. I feel so gooddddd!! (vindicated actually)

Tuhan masih sayang..

#1. Again, an accident on March 19th. Is MAV going to be the death of me one day? Na'uzubillah...er, need to prepare my will now. It was raining, again, & it happened right in front of my current dwelling. I was heading home, from the left side of road, stop in the middle of road & gave my signal to turn right. In the darkness of the sun setting down, I made a mistake in judgement (this is the same place where I've been turning right daily for the last 11 months or so) as I hurriedly turn right & thus the bike slam into the front passenger side - Gedeganggggg!!! I would NOT want it to ever happen again - the feeling of horror, helplessness, guilty-ridden blablabla.....According to my 'family lawyer', and as proven by the police summon immediately received, I was definitely guilty since the bike had the right of way but, but he has also the duty of care to slow down which was quite difficult at that time due to the road condition. Thank God, he was ok - even if the bike was NOT ok.... #2. I'm 36 now and I still have crushes - awwwww..... I first met Sam (not his real name) during one of the compulsory courses for new staff in June last year. He was outspoken and whenever he contributed to the discussion I felt like he's showing off since he'll mentioned his phd & work experience in Birmingham (again & again) and he speaks Queen's English. I was impressed at the same time! Then, we had another courses in December where we did share our experience with regards to sexual harassment at work (during one of the sessions). He had female student wearing hot pants *gasp!* leaning while sitting near him during discussion - it was obvious the girl was hitting on him & so forth. When it came to my story (mentioned in previous entry), he offered to pretend to be my boyfriend and come to office to settle things or something like that. Was he wonderful, manly or what? *I'm gushing with gratitude* Well..that basically covered everything. Some time in the last couple of weeks (on 24th March to be exact), I headed up to the bookshop on campus. Since I was passing by his building (i mean his work office, he has a side business too) I did think of him like.. wouldn't it nice to meet him again blablabla...a girl can only wish! After the bookshop, I headed back down & stopped at the pharmacy. My mind was thinking of, "...too bad, he was nowhere to be found!" and my hand was on the door to push it open. Imagine how big was my surprise when the door was pulled open for me and he was there greeting me!!!!! Had quite a shock actually & don't know what I blabbering after that.. What I would like to emphasize here is how wonderful it is - a simple act of kindness & gentleness on his part - being a gentleman, noticing me, by opening the door he made my day! AND I knew now that he has recurring attacks of gout which is hereditary but he simply loves seafood, cooked by his mom. #3. I have move on, finally. I can now think of him, look at his photos etc. and simply wish the best in life for him. That heavy leaden-heart feeling is gone. Thank you Allah. It was the closure that I have been looking for. #4. I gave as good as I get. This particular single guy (mentioned some where before) is problematic - in communicating his thoughts. Rude. Selfish too. Imagine, he started a conversation (either smses or BBMs), I replied, to get the ball rolling I asked further questions...AND he simply ignored me! One, or twice is still considered ok. I did mention the annoying habit to him directly and he just laugh it off! But it has gone beyond enough to me...now I simply not responded to his msgs, deleted him from my BBM contacts - let him swallow his own bitter pills haha! Remind me, why do I need him as a friend again? #5. Need to work harder at work. Publications!

A hike up Muk* Head Lighthouse

Prelude: Ahh...putting my feet up, on a hammock under the tree shade by the beach.

Side-activity..

Towards our destination...

Built in 1883 yo!

A touristy take!

Wide open sea-view from the upper deck..

The real things!

At the end: The heart was willing but the body is already aging.. a boat ride for going back!

A moment with Nelson..

Started the day early with crossing the bridge..faced the morning sun!

Got to feed the early & chirpy birds..aren't they lucky?

Admire the limestone shrubberies..

Met Mr Mattheus...the African mountain goat!

P/s: If you don't want to be smelly all day long, do not pick up or rub the goatling!

Ahh.. tranquillity - across the lake, what a perfect spot for a picnic lunch!

A hungry tiger..."What are you two looking at?" Wroarrrr!!!

..with a slim tummy!

Everybody pose nicely - thank you! *The chief trainer was holding his arm tenderly after a loving swat from baby's paw..aww*

Even if I'm only a 7-months baby, do check out my claws!

I speak English only!

A baby got to be fed with bottled-milks..

Look ma - no hands!

At least I make an effort to shake hands...

..and tired of listening to this guy..

Jejak langkah..Taman Maluri - Shamelin Perkasa, Cheras

I was in Taman Shamelin Perkasa, Cheras - for my A-level and also first year of varsity - back in 1993-1996. JJ Taman Maluri was our hang-out place. It was an adventure by itself going to JJ from our side of Taman Shamelin Perkasa just for a spot of shopping! As a shortcut, we had to cross the river using a make-shift bridge of water pipe (with just some wooden planks)...I had to make do with packed-like-sardines Bas Mini Wilayah for getting to/fro Puduraya. This was back before the existence of the LRT! Had my first experience of being grope on the bus...euww!

Jejak langkah..Puduraya to Jalan Petaling

This is for the period of my life between Sept 1999 - Oct 2001 where I toil for 4 days a week, from before dawn to after dusk (catching the before-7am-bus & reaching home after 11pm) and got to enjoy a 3-day weekends rush back to kampung. My late ayah was so proud for the fact that I worked in St*mford Regent School of Economics...coz earlier on he thought it was a Regent Estate/Plantation in my hometown.

Who would believe it that after 10 years or so, I'm back hitting on the street (Puduraya, Petaling Street, Central Market, etc.), eating at the same restaurant downstairs in the Cahaya Suria building (though the college is no more to be found)...

Jejak Langkah..Langkawi

First time I was in Langkawi, a long, long time ago was for a day trip - an interview back in 1999. I still remember, the (comparatively) long interview completed with joined laughs we (the panel of interviewers and interviewee) had and I was so confident to be able to bag the job..

Jungle trail..