Feeling guilty

"THE darkest hours of the night and the wee hours of the morning – it is in these nocturnal hours that death waits at every bend and corner on our roads and highways.

..

But we must not forget it is not just drivers of public transport vehicles, like express buses and lorries, who have to be alert at such hours.

The individual driver who has not had adequate rest, who proudly boasts that he can travel from Kuala Lumpur to Penang on the North-South Expressway under four hours, has the potential to create just as much carnage on the roads as any public vehicle driver."

Source:

http://www.thestar.com.my/Opinion/Columnists/The-Star-Says/Profile/Articles/2014/04/20/Dont-let-more-people-die-in-vain/

Upteempth update

I came back late on Thursday night, which is very seldomly done nowadays unless I have got video conferencing session scheduled. My routine now is to go to the gym at least twice after work during the week either on Tuesday or Wednesday & another slot on Friday and to be followed by another longer session on Sunday morning. This is the time where I usually find the gym with only two treadmills to be available without the need to wait @ queue. Usually I will be the only one around at that time with my music on full blast!
Maybe one or two guys next door (there is a wall between both gym and split entrance).

So, imagine my surprise when I passed by the gym to see quite a significant number of manly guys doing their workout esp. the weighlifting. Oh my! Check out their biceps & triceps! *blushed* Lucky that the gym was actually on a higher split level compared to the corridor that I was walking so I didn't get to see their lower body parts hahahaha... *blamed the abundance of testosterone*
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While I was on the treadmill yesterday (which was facing the wall, with the entrance behind me) I heard a mother came in with kids (inc. one who just is about 1-2 yo I guess by the sound of his crying). I just plodded on, alternating with running, and not long after that the loud crying began..i think not even 5 minute! So, what a mother got to do? Instead of exercising and taking care of the kids too...she left with both kids! Pity her & I am blessed indeed.. I get to do whatever I want, anytime, without any hassle!

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Now, I have got 1,2 and sometimes 3 'admirers' at the apartment. It started when I saw there is always a bowls of kibble and water by the guardhouse. I still have the stock of kibble at the office, for Kilat, the one that I unofficially adopted but roaming freely on campus nowadays. So, I make sure to pack a small tupperware of kibble and once I parked or getting into my car I will look around and call out: first time, only one came out,  undernourished and one leg has been broken. Then, it was two... and yesterday, it was three! Problem now, if I were to accidently forget to have it with me then...they will be devastated I guess! I long to keep them for good but I am already out-of-office for the whole of next week, and often time I leave home as early as 7am and might came back as late as 10pm.. what will they do? In cage? But they are outside and having the freedom to mingle around now...

I promised you...this is the last sad song!

I was waiting for the light to turn green and playing with the radio buttons and caught this chorus was on air...
"Oh Tuhan tolonglah aku
Hapuskan rasa cintaku
Akupun ingin bahagia
Walau tak bersama dia.."

Disclaimer: Nothing to do with my own life experience, nor any related person whether dead or alive.

P/s: Bila tengok video clip lagilah menitik air mata - at the end...

Juz 7

Mak la.. not me but *hungheadinshame* Typical of me, I have the know-how now but always find excuses not to read the verses. Even 110 verses of a surah takes me days!

Mak had a disadvantage childhood (at least to me). She did not went to formal school at all. She did learn how to read the Q*ran a bit but then she got married at the age of 14, moved places (S*ngapore, Cam*ron,  hometown & then a totally new settlement area) and went on to have 9+2 children. I guess, the emphasized back then was to be a good housewife, a mother and so much more. It wasn't helping that the societal leaning was more towards the much loved sons instead of daughters... but I heard stories - my maternal granddad was the best!

When I talked to her yesterday, she explained her feeling of being reluctant to leave home for  more than a couple of days. She is really looking forward to attend the daily session with the ustazah and later on each day practicing by herself using the digital version. She said, definitely will  have a pulut kuning moment to signify the completion of 30 juzuks! May Allah grants her wishes and give her ample time in this world to achieve it & blessed her with the rewards in the hereafter, insyaAllah and amin.

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My first sewage bill arrived yesterday. RM8 per month???! That is more than double the amount I pay for water supply, i.e. RM5 (minumum rate) for every 2 month.
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A reminder of how small is this world: a long, long time ago, somebody wrote an email to me about applying for an academic position in my institution. I replied by saying sorry but sorry there was no vacancies. But I did told him other avenues to try... lo and behold, today I met him for breakfast to welcome him as my new colleague (in another department).
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I am sending material (with sample) for K'tan *wow!* to be sewn into raya kurung. Yes, it is still far ahead (not really if you are kind of forward thinking person like me) but then my hometown tailor who took more than 6 months to finish my last order had change her 'job' and no longer taking any orders. The other that I tried - not comfortable enough. The one that I have nearby at work place already stop taking orders even after much persuasion...at least I managed to squeeze in 3 pairs hehehe... She is complaining of getting sleepy every time she started to sew.. I guess, it is kind of a boring job, being alone at home, and as we get older, need to strain our eyes too. Even her husband is not helping, "How much more kurungs will be enough?" Haha! I guess... I always need one more pair of kurungs.. and the next one! What I did was...usually I did not come visit her empty handed, I brought her something like snacks, some home-baked choc cake and at one time, even roti canai telur! With the hope enough to sustain her for a long period to come.
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Missing him. I do. I am angry too. I'm too old to play these games. How I wish to simply stop counting the days, erased memory of everything and never to cry again.

Lady Driver again.. *sigh*

It was a typical Monday morning rush to work. I was out already late than the normal-before-7am to avoid the school rush between 7-7:30am. But had ample time to take  a few snaps of the sun shining bright... put a caption #anewrayoflight on IG, throw my weekend garbage into the collection bin & quickly started the engine - only to be met by..

S.I.L.E.N.C.E

All indicators were in red & some were blinking.. enough to make me panicking! Oh come on, not today of all day! I suddenly remembered that the car was long overdue for servicing (for my lack of time to make the necessary booking arrangement) and I knew that particular red indicator in the middle of the dashboard was meant for the battery! Quick called to Bro #3, hurriedly explained the symptoms and the verdict was a dead battery!!! When was the last time I change the battery again?

Oh my God!!! You never change the battery since you bought the car in July 2011? *hungheadinshame*

Yes it was a non-dry cell battery which normally last for one year or so, and the last time I checked the water level was... er, I sent it for service last July, before Eid! Oh my God!!!! *knockmy headonthewall* What I did (failed to do actually) was really stupid!!!

Ok, ok.. I should take better care of my ride insyaAllah from now on. I did try to revive the battery life by putting in some liquid (see, I do have the intention to check the water level so I bought a bottle already) and tried to start the engine again...at least I had a sound; a coughing sound! And what was all to it..

Time for Plan B: Talked to my girlfriends *who must now promised me never to share this stupid story with their husbands* It's either the battery (better than) or the alternator (more costly to repair)! Now, need to wait for workshop to open at 9am..

I was fasting actually. I woke up in time for sahur, coffee and a slice of bread with kaya. Being stupid make me hungry so I had a pack of instant mee which kind of calm my nerves...haha! Maydayed my neighbour for Plan C and she gave me a no. for another workshop nearby. And more waiting continue...

End of the story: The guy from the workshop came a bit late, take out the old one and put in the new ones.. Oh, it's the wrong negative/positive! Wait for him to go changing the necessary battery that costed RM200 for a dry cell with 1 year warranty while disposing the old ones at RM10 only. I did ask, is there a way for me to know that the battery is runni ng low?  A signal or something? Too bad, none so far...

Imagine if i was to happen after I finished my class at 10pm on Saturday night?

Moral of the story: I need a man real bad, who can take care of this kind of problems for moi! But, I also learn that I survived by myself,  a man might learn to appreciate an independent woman like me.

And I did pick up the phone and made the appointment for servicing my car this coming Thursday....

No turning back..

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

C'est payé, balayé, oublié
(It's paid for, removed, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé
(I don't care about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs
(With my memories)
J'ai allumé le feu
(I lit the fire)

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
(My troubles, my pleasures)
Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux
(I don't need them anymore)

Balayés les amours
(Swept away my past loves)
Avec leurs trémolos
(With their tremors)

Balayés pour toujours
(Swept away for always)
Je repars à zéro
(I start again from zero)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, to me these are the same)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Car ma vie, car mes joies
(Because my life, my joys)
Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi
(Today, it begins with you)

Read more: Edith Piaf - Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Update on neighbours & life in general

Came back late just now, after 9pm from office, saw the owner (?) of the unit below mine is washing the floor at the entrance. Tried to catch her look (Malay, Chinese, Indian, others?) - maybe say hi too - but to no avails.

The unit above mine has been occupied since ...hmm... can't remember exactly but must be before CNY, in late January. So far, all I have seen was just the light on the dryard being kept switch on always - not much affect on the bill I guess. I saw a washing machine -duh!- and that was it! I suspected a single (not family) person too.

Last Sunday (2 March), my next door neighbour's unit has completed some repairs  by Rohman,a Bangladeshi worker - cracked walls everywhere especially the corner of window frames in all 3 rooms, sliding doors & our shared wall in the living room (Thank God not on my side, surprisingly!). Rohman told me it might be due to drilling and renovation works upstairs. But, ...I have had renovation works done on my side, upper & lower unit too. Oh, by the way, the internal contractor'' contract has been extended for another 6 months, from March onwards.

So, she's definitely not moving in (extensive renovation ahead) soon and I'm still the only Malay occupant on my floor. Earliest occupants must be the three Chinese families: next to Lift 3&4, the end outside unit of the other U-side (with large flower pots) & my other right-hand side neighbour. There were others who got their place ready for CNY but not yet fully moved in. Need to remind myself to collect a new car sticker (again!?) soon - got the notice yesterday.

My bed is getting smaller nowadays, must the nightly tossing around - having some trouble gettting my eyes shut (due to too much coffee in daytime in order to stay awake, don't know which one is the cause/effect) and often times I found myself getting dangerous to drop on the floor huhuhu.. So the 4-foster queen (or do I dare to dream for a King?) complete with hanging white muslins, bed side tables, tall-drawers unit, might as well get my nested tables (in replacement of a proper coffee table) and a small half-moon unit for the corridor leading to the rooms. Maybe a picture rail too? Hmmm...

My composting (with RM5 pamphlet as a guide) efforts suck.. I had maggots all over the kitchen floor.. near the dustbin. Too little kitchen waste (batang bayam, coffee dregs etc.) & no proper layers. But I planted the bulbs (RM5 for 3 of what? aiyoyo I forgot already..) from Botanika, last 23 February, and now two of them are showing their early shoots. I'm keeping the leftover water from cooking rice in the fridge (haha! Genius of me eh? No more smelly, disgusting water for days) and use it to water the bulbs..

My Sayang Tuah-Jebat-Lekir-Kasturi are doing ok too.. Idah bought me the colourful pebbles (RM3). I am thinking of some 'tukun' perhaps for them to hide in? Instead of changing the water twice a week, they are considered lucky if I got to do it almost after every two weeks now huhuhuhu..

Went to visit a village for a community session yesterday. And I got the seeds for Ismet Ul*m Raja!!! I already have the experience from growing lady finger in 2012 so... that is going to be my project for next week! Why next week....(see 2 paragraph below)

Penang W*men's Run - no hills! -  i did 6km in about 43 min (but the top winner took only 26 min!) so averaged pacing of 7:15. I remember when I started counting (must the PB*M2012 I averaged closed@more than 9 minutes). Don't know whether I'll get to run  on this weekend's MWM* due to the haze and threat of heat stroke. The organizer is saying it will depend on the API reading by Saturday, 6pm. I have booked my return flights, so either ways, I am still heading south to balik kampung. Mak is not feeling well, must be the dry weather and I've been too caught up with work (among other things) lately.

It's going to be day 6 now...my prayers for those on MH37* - things are getting crazier! But in Allah we trust..

I'm getting there.. insyaAllah. He is always in my prayers and I want him to be happy too. Me? Live life with no regret. And it's time to move on..

My mistakes, expecting too much from him. Lesson learnt the hard way: CAPABLE of taking responsibility, COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATE & COMMIT - my 3Cs or was it 4? huhuhu.. I am far from perfect and need to improve myself a lot in every ways. Rad no te rajes (Don't give up!)!

Headless

The whole unit is having a 3 days workshop til Wednesday, out of the office but no-no.. no budget for hotel this time around! We are supposed to work on the strategic plans for the next 5-10 years.

The small boss said, "Bullshit!" in front of our esteemed guests (luckily the 2nd top person in management already left us). No excuses, he said, "I'm just being me!" Right... I supposed so.

My honest opinions? We are like headless chicken, just waiting to be slaughtered (redundant!) - haha! Change or no change?

The person next to me, F, asked, "Why are you so pissed off with the small boss?" Simply because I didn't like his style.. I also can't imagine working along him without losing my patience. I am tired of everyone making jokes on my section just because we are having few (I can literally count with one hand *sigh*) students and I certainly do not have the intention to be in his shoes (his current position)!

I am still mad with my so-called friends aka colleagues.. I don't like to hear them talking behind my back and I certainly don't like them poking fun of me.

Alas...I do feel like crying since..

20140227 - Bearing the brunt of malicious gossip, stumped me for words! Unbelievable..
Just because you read the Prof's comment on my wall post.. so we are now an item for gossip fodder? What a small world mentality! I proposed for a conference to be organized next year and put myself and the Prof in the committee too - so now more evidence to support my crime? Speechless..

After 5 years working together, finally I am getting the understanding that no one is ever to be trusted!

And office gossips? Nothing is further from the truth, it is all lies and no one to be trusted!

On the other hand, I believed I have made the best decision since what I fear to happen already happened - my so-called scandal with him are out in the open. I am never so glad that I hastened out of the intricate situation before it was too late...help me God!

Enough

For now.

Watched 'L*ve Actually' again yesterday & cried buckets. *sigh*

Passenger - Let Her Go [Official Video]