Today is the day..

..only that it wasn't meant to be!

I planned to *cheekily* propose to him to marry me!

The perasan-bagus-alim-maksum-hypocrite-rad has come to terms with the concept of 'letting go and moving on.."

Count my blessings for the day..

The day started early with an incoming message's beep from an unknown number. Which made me almost dropped everything pronto & thought of him! "Just think of you. I thought to send you a very good morning sms. Good morning."

You - who?

He is a very good young foreign friend of mine, we met during a local conference back in 2009. I felt so easy talking to him about stuff. He is excellent academically too, way ahead of me! He said, "You came to my thought when I wake up..." Maybe my aching heart is emitting a distress call.. *yeah, dream on!*
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An ex-collegemate who is now a mature student at my work place, around for a tw0-weeks course, messaged just to say thank you and goodbye. Such a simple act of kindness which reminds me of him - that him mentioned earlier - how could this guy looked upon my 'mulut bertih macam jagung' kindly as opposed to him? He noted at the same time how unsocial I was and still am..how ironic, don't you think?
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I love teaching..face to face! Especially when the students are ready to learn..
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A young friend said I'm stingy - just because I made & brought to office for lunch - macaroni & cheese straight from the tin! Should I explain everything again? I don't like eating nasi campur for lunch; I prefer meals such as fried rice instead but the cafe closest to office don't do much justice in terms of fried rice - I cooked a mean nasi goreng if I so myself but there are days I'm tired of my own cooking...going out much further for lunch is simply too time consuming & took too much efforts - making the appointment, waiting for people, deciding what to eat etc. etc. And at the end of the day, I'm not saving much at the end of the month - which only show that my money is being siphon elsewhere...hmmmm!
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The apartment will be ready by year end, insyaAllah. I need to start looking for interior design ideas, theme colours, best bargains, home appliances etc. all within my meagre budget!

Rajuk yang tak terpujuk!

Actually, there are 3 different scenarios that happened since Sept/Oct last year. One involving a very good female friend of mine, another one is about my eldest sister and the third one is the one that I really need and want to share for now, for the obvious reason - it's beyond salvageable..

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If you ever wonder & ask me, why the so-called 'volatile relationship' doesn't exist anymore, here is the utmost reason why:

I was caught red-handed! (Ops, kantoi!!)
I wasn't being honest.
I lied to him.

Instead of going to bed early as I already told him (since I'll be driving back to my hometown very early the next morning), I was out partying like mad with my bevy of male admirers till the early hours of the morning! Shish.....

Shame on me huh?

And I had the cheek to say, "Heyy..I did nothing wrong!!"

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P/s: Please read between the lines..haha!

20120112

1. I'm not born to be a leader. I have taken all sort of personality tests back in Form 4 and as recent as in December last year, both concurred with the fact that I hate being put in a leadership position. I hate managing people, trying to second guess everyone's thoughts, visioning for the future of the organisation/club or whatever - it's simply not me. What a bonus to have a deputy who works well with you, but she's leaving soon.. *gasp!* And if a certain committee member kept on mentioning about how busy she is...well, don't wait for almost a year of her doing almost nothing only to receive the letter of resignation today... A good leader should be able to act fast, decisive & spot on! Need to look for a replacement next...

2. I have been asked again.. to join 1) a long-term research cluster in the organisation; 2) co-researcher with a friend cum colleague from another. Fact, I have yet to establish myself in my own niche! After much consideration and some persuasion from concerned colleague(s), I had declined from (1) even if my heart yearn to travel to the exotic location all over Malaysia! Reason being the person who is inviting me (thank you very much!) had the reputation of jumping ship at the critical hour! I'm working hard to understand no (2) but eventually I have to start somewhere...

3. A closed friend mentioned this in passing w.r.t. matter of the heart, 'Rad, did you notice the same pattern? This is similar to what has happened before....they just kept quite.." I guess, I wonder no more - something is wrong with me.. Well, I wish nothing but the best for you - O Married Ones! *cue in background music - Adxle's Somxone Likx Yox* And from watching Ombxk Rindx, "..redha itu ikhlas, sedangkan pasrah itu menyerah!"

4. I have been summoned to court again for speeding - the second summons within 6-months! For a mere extra 13 kmph!! Kinda regret my conversion to PKE when I had been lucky in the past two year or so travelling between North and South with my trusty MAV! Tell me, how could I not push the pedal when you're travelling on the hiway, the coast is clear, and all the other Beemers, Mercs and even Kancil zooming past? Tsk-tsk....but then again, I don't another accident to happen!

5. This is my conclusion from #3: Communication, Commitment, Confidence, Compromise.
Relationship between two people need a strong foundation build from easy camaraderie, no misunderstanding, acceptance to commit to the future (even just for a glimmer of hope & tiny expectation!), confidence with oneself (please do not ever mention my hard-earned 'fxcking PhD' (his words) AND later how unsuitable we are in one sentence) as well as respect that each of us come with baggages in tow! We failed in terms of communicating effectively and all of the above but I still like you, you know!

Why would I bother?

Uncertainly - indeed...it has been weighing a lot on my mind which would otherwise be better occupied with lotsa more important stuff.

As Abdul Rahim Awang wrote in his novel (Obsesi), "Apa yang tidak terucap tidak akan menyakitkan hati, bukan?"

Oh Tuhan, bukan mudah untuk mencapai qalbu saleem (hati yang sejahtera!)

Main tarik tali

I really like you, do you know that? I guess, it should be very obvious by now that I do.

What has happened last Friday was not something intentional on my part. I asked you out for dinner and then I chickened-out at the very last minute - I was thinking, what will people think? If they know that I was the one who asked you out? As we already went out the night before... I think I'll be embarrassed to know if by doing that people will think (this is very important to me somehow, don't ask me why..but I do care about what people think of me) that I am needy, clingy or worst - desperate!! At the same time, I left the option to you - I really want you to say that you wanted that dinner with me! So that when we looked back or if people asked, I could say, you're the one who asked me out...you took the decision out of me.

And this thing about my 'ramaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii kawan lelaki keliling pinggang' and my so-called quest for perfection - I'm hugely annoyed by now! If only you knew me, how far from the truth that is....

Well, I won't bother explaining myself to you anymore...maybe this IS the sign from above that I asked for. Maybe we are not meant to be......

And the good thing that came out at the end of this interlude...I know now that.. is just a fleeting memory!

P/s: I'm not going to be bitter about this...and thanks to your pointers, I know now what people (at least one) think of me.

2nd

They are going to meet for dinner, 8pm.

Somebody said s/he going to be late.

Somebody said it's ok, I don't mind waiting - lambat2 pun takpe..

Somebody took it literally as that someone is patience enough to wait, maybe, forever..since s/he is busy with last minutes work!

Then only s/he sent next message & rushed out office at 11:30pm!

But, it was way, way too late...all the anticipations for nothing since the balloon has burst!

K.I.S.S

1. A new colleague approached me, saying that her husband knew me (we have met a couple of times at international conferences) & described me as 'a person with ceria face & big eyes'! Thank you. You simply made my day!

2. I received an award (at departmental level) at work place. It was based on overall job performance for last year - only those with 85% or more marks. The person who sat next to me also received the same award. She said, "After 20 years of working, now only I received this award..." Only silence from moi since (I started back in Nov 2009 so..) it has been only 1 year or so for me! Patut rasa bersalah kah? But, but there are those who received it almost annually!

3. Somebody is having a similar weird situation as mine. We both deal with people (students, colleagues, etc.) in our line of duty. Must we pretend ignorance when we met face to face when there are other people around? But continue messaging & phone calls (for lucky some!) or emails which more or less refer to personal stuff & beyond our call of duties? I saw sparks flying here & there!! I do worry about her though.. since he's obviously taken!

4. I asked a certain newly wedded person, "How's the baby making business?" Of course, I meant to ask whether there is any reasons for the Big Family to celebrate! She said, "Kau tak tau ke? Sakittt la!" Ops!! T.M.I again *sigh*

5. Life is good, alhamdulillah. I have some good days & some bad days but pretty much nothing to complaint about! Like someone said, I have 'rupa tak kurang, belajar tinggi & I bet good income'... if only less fussy, and no more 'ramaiiiiiii kawan lelaki (inc. ex-es) keliling pinggang! *sigh*

Things I learnt the hard way...

P/s: I just came back from work (yesterday I came back after 7:30pm) and dead-tired right now but there is a loud Parti Arak going-on downstairs so might as well utilized the time to unleash my thoughts.

1. Never, ever choose a date for an official function immediately after a long holiday break like the Annual Raya Exodus. Reasons being all the last minutes preparations (being a typical Malaysian institution & people with 'attitude' - Oh help me God!) will definitely interrupt your earlier well-planned trip back to hometown. And you worry about the actual turnout too since most people will be busy with their open house routine (not for moi! maybe next year) and another rounds of visiting relatives & friends on weekends. Festive seasons are not a good time to travel for the foreigners too.

2. Never, ever choose a 5-star hotel as the venue simply because, well, you just want to! Reasons being not everyone (paying participants) could afford it especially those coming from not so developed countries - even my room entitlement is insufficient to cover the most basic room - such that you worry about the event's account being in the red or black depending upon the number of participants which slowly trickling in and later they may decide to withdraw since not enough funding! *gasp!*
Best alternative, choose not the beach hotels but one closer to home so that you can commute daily & save money on committee members' accommodation.

3. Never, ever accept any invite to join a committee again without checking out the trustworthiness of the other members. Naive me was roped in only from the 3rd (or was it 4th) meeting to handle to most challenging assignment, if I said so myself, no wonder there was no takers earlier! And the person who roped me in, let us called him KA, was one who is clever enough to pass the baton, not only him but some cother members too, to unlucky moi! A classic example, I asked the person-in-charge of promotion to come out with a new brochure. This person, says F, then asked KA for the materials only for KA to ask me to instruct the next person on how to do it! There I was, thinking about a secretary job is about letters & minutes, only to end up sitting down with the graphic designer to come out eventually with the posters, brochures AND banners too! Have they no shame? Nahh!!!

4. Never, ever again agree to work with these people:
KA - as mentioned above; very good at delegating tasks (no in proper way)!
F - same, but at least he helped me by responding to my emails/BBMed/SMSes
N - she did almost nothing esp. those assigned to her! No wonder she wanted me in her sub-committee. But she did work with me to produce the full programme - by coming to my room.
F - she is senior but junior, we did help her to prepare the sponsorship letter, many rounds of emails & editing, still not settled due to her being away (good excuses but still not an excuse to release her one & only duty) and eventually managed to snare a sponsorship of........jeng3x.......





.. RM3K! (From hundreds of letters sent)
The Prof who said 'a person of his level don't play with a petty occasion such as ours' - he then said, "I know you can do all this, no need to put my name...blablabla" According to him, everything is simple & easy! And I ended up doing all his work - shame on me!
The Junior Officer who always said nothing much in minutes from the previous meeting, would manage to find reasons to come late or not coming at all & not contributing a thing - a mere notetaker. Very disappointing attitude...

5. Never, ever cross the boundary that defines colleagues VS friends. Should limit my fb interactions with those colleagues. Unless they are real friends. Reasons being:
a. 1 colleague is mad at him because I told him off, lazy! To cut short a long story, I lost 2 friends (ZZ too). I found out the hard way after layan-tak-layan phone calls etc. when he purposedly snub me at the corridor! He even went as far as looking the other way...huhuhu. During the recent eid, I asked for forgineness but he only replied to return my eid wishes. Same case as her.
b. Another colleague used me as her sounding board - at least that is how it feels to me. Asking me to come to her room & listen to her research activities. She refused to join in my committee (no hard feeling there)and then kept on saying she is busy - as if I'm not busy? And kept on harassing me over the minutiae fact that her name is still in the list! Hello there, I already help in so many ways to take that out but that thing is beyond my control - I'm simply not in charge!
c. Another colleague finds a new bestie - not moi. She asked me to come to her open house through her! She told her whenever she took leave & such. Last time, she used to share everything with me. (God, now I feel like back in primary school again)


5. Never, ever loose focus again: post-Sept 17, it's gonna be all research & publication insyaAllah. There are people who are just waiting for my downfall. But I have my trust in God....

Why am I so mad lately, as in now????

I went to a stupid local bank. I made a stupid mistake by not calling & make an appointment first. It was simply a simple matter of changing the signatories of the Club's bank account from the old committees to the new ones. From past experience, we (chairperson, secretary & the treasurer) were told that it was a simple matter of us being presence at the bank together with a copy of the AGM's minutes. Dang, we're wrong! That was last year! So, after the signings we're told to come again with the official letter stating the new appointments by the ex-chairman. On the second visit by me alone, since it's an Islamic bank & our treasurer is a non-Muslim - I was thinking to save him a visit - I was told that, "Oh, we need the Club's official stamp!" Damn me twice now! A quick check around back at the office revealed that the current stamp was tatty but I was told that even if we make a new stamp it has to be similar to the current one & I need to bring the old one as well to the bank. So, off we went to make a new one!

That was so last week.......so today, everything is ready finally - that was what I thought - off to bank again for the third time only to be told that the person in charge was on leave. Ok, how about the next person in charge? Passed from one into another, finally they concurred that I'll have to simply wait for that person to be back working at her desk again!!! What a stupid bank considering the fact that I had to go round in circles twice to park my car!!


Stupid no. 2 moment.
Again, the conference is really killing me softly inside - I'm boiling mad! Let's not go into that now. The gist of thing was I took over the banner thing - sent the design for printing last thursday, haggle over the price and was promised that it will be ready by 10am on Monday.

By 10 something am this morning, I was already anxious & made the first call. Then, a second call around 11-ish. It went into voice-mail. By lunch hour, I sent a message - nicely asking him to message me once the banners are ready. He replied saying that the banners are readied but he was outside the campus (by the way, it was an on-campus shop, conveniently chosen). So I waited and waited.....

Back from the bank, I decided to drop by seeing that the shop was open. The owner-guy recognised me & started giving excuses, the banner was not here yet blablabla...my questions to him was, "Why can't you call & inform me? Or have the courtesy at least to message me? What was the use of promising me 10am if you cannot deliver?"

And i just left..frustratingly mad! Don't they know how to do business? First, the bank & now this printing shop? Oh, let's not forget the salesguy - which I considered for a temporary insanity moments that I felt crushed into (see previous entry, what was I thinking?? Major stupido!!)- who kindly let me waited for half an hour not once but twice! Man, I was the client, the customer is KING!!!

And last night, over a phone conversation, somebody had the cheek to call me stingy?? S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? It wasn't the first time that this happened..

Just because I mentioned that I was too lazy too cook and thus having maggi mee for dinner she dared to call me stingy? I who unselfishly undertook a personal loan of RM25K to help mak pay for the house renovation (second phase) and forked out RM1K every month to pay it back which basically translated into no new shiny car for me, no to my own house downpayment too?? I even had to borrow from my angah in order to provide the downpayment for my apartment?? I waited and saved money for the last 6 months in order to come out with my downpayment for my new ride all because I didn't trade-in my MAV - it was given freely to my sister - the one who is staying with mak. I am the one who consistently & financially help my other sister (the one whose husband passed away due to diabetes) since the first month I started working in 2009. I am the one who come up with an on-going education fund to reward those nephews & nieces (including siblings that further their study - she was one of the first recipient) that do well in major exams like UPS*, PM* and SP* as well as varsity level. Every year without miss (except those miserable years towards the end of my study) I bought mak & my few selected sisters material for their kurung and there was even a year back in 2000 when I bought the materials for everyone including my sister-in-laws. There are other occasions which I ought to mention here but to call me: S.T.I.N.G.Y - M.E? Unbelievable!!

And there was one too many person that is bugging me at work!


Oh God, I am ashamed of myself - for losing control and showing my anger today. Have mercy My Lord and forgive me..

Why am I so mad lately, as in now????

I went to a stupid local bank. I made a stupid mistake by not calling & make an appointment first. It was simply a simple matter of changing the signatories of the Club's bank account from the old committees to the new ones. From past experience, we (chairperson, secretary & the treasurer) were told that it was a simple matter of us being presence at the bank together with a copy of the AGM's minutes. Dang, we're wrong! That was last year! So, after the signings we're told to come again with the official letter stating the new appointments by the ex-chairman. On the second visit by me alone, since it's an Islamic bank & our treasurer is a non-Muslim - I was thinking to save him a visit - I was told that, "Oh, we need the Club's official stamp!" Damn me twice now! A quick check around at the office revealed that the current stamp was tatty but I was told that even if we make a new stamp it has to be similar to the current one & I need to bring the old one as well to the bank. So, of to make a new one!

That was so last week.......so today, everything is ready finally - that was what I thought - off to bank again for the third time only to be told that the person in charge was on leave. Ok, how about the next person in charge? Passed from one into another, finally they concurred that I'll have to simply wait for that person to be back in her desk again!!! What a stupid bank considering the fact that I had to go round in circles twice to park my car!!


Stupid no. 2 moment.
Again, the conference is really killing me softly inside - I'm boiling mad! Let's not go into that now. The gist of thing was I took over the banner thing - sent the design for printing last thursday, haggle over the price and was promised that it will be ready by 10am on Monday.

By 10 something am this morning, I was already anxious & made the first call. Then, a second call around 11-ish. It went into voice-mail. By lunch hour, I sent a message - nicely asking him to message me once the banners are ready. He replied saying that the banners are readied but he is outside the campus (by the way, it was an on-campus shop, conveniently chosen). So I waited and waited.....

Back from the bank, I decided to drop by seeing that the shop is open. The owner-guy recognised me & started giving excuses, the banner is not here yet blablabla...my questions to him was, "Why can't you call & inform me? or at least message me? What was the use of promising me 10am if you cannot deliver?" And i just left..frustratingly mad! Don't they know how to do business? First, the bank & now this printing shop? Oh, let's not forget the salesguy - which I considered for a temporary insanity moments that I felt crushed into - who kindly let me waited for half an hour nor once but twice! Man, I was the client, the consumer is KING!!!