The good, the bad..

..all in a day's work!

1. I'm indeed thankful to God, the Almighty, ...the letter has finally arrived today- were asked to collect the key within the next 21 days! Provided the bank paid the last payment of course... I hear more money, lots of it, moving around, out of my account into others - Ka-ching!!!

2. Bra*nstorming session, for moi, means you are allowed to talk, no right or wrong, just to get everything out in the open - crazy indeas included. I hate it when 1, 2 or 3 persons monopolized the talking and had the cheek to ask at the end, why are you guys keeping quite? Bleghhh..... and please, control your intonation, no need to intimidate others with your loud voice  - it's annoying really. Eventually, your ranking, in my eyes, just achieved rock bottom!

3. You asked and you got your answer.. may not be the one that you're actually looking for but still it's an answer nonetheless. I did offer myself ...but if you still feel bored, empty inside then i guess you're kindly telling me something there ...which my heart is too blind too see! Be still & strong my heart.

4. Mak is the greatest living person in the world of  you & me - how could you make her cried time & again? She may not be the best mother (given the circumstances), but to me she's everything I ever need & want to be. Of course, you & me are not mothers ourselves ...so much to learn & I hope it's not too late!

5. I ran only 6km, instead of my original target of 8km! I want to run longer this coming weekend, at least 10km & I'm supposed to built up the distance from last week. As it is, it took me more than 55 min... I need to stop less & walk less...in case I forget, I'm doing this for myself - nto for show!

6. ...

Just for the record...

..of what I have been up to since the last entry in April 2012:

1. April 2012: Joined my 1st ever hiking competition (9.5km) with two of my aerobic buddies and got my 1st finisher medal! Thanks to Ubi S*tela for the invitation.
2. November 2012: The aerobic & fitness programme finally closed shop right before Ramadhan last year after 3 years of service (est. June 2010) so I gotta sign up for something in order to continue to keep fit - I signed up for my 1st Bridge Marath*n but for only 10km and finished in 1hr:20min - 2nd finisher medal!
3. Februari 2013: Not sure which one comes first - do I sign up for the earlier in order to train for Mt. Kinabalu climb? But again, thanks to Ubi S*tela & P* Bani (for the info etc.), me & one of my aerobic buddies (from #1 above) made it to the peak! Thanks Nann*or & team too. Long story but I won't go into it now..but we ended up with 2 certificates - extra 1 due the Mersilau trail which is relatively longer but with scenic views. Too bad the medals (have to buy @RM25 each) are out-of-stock!
4. Januari 2013: By this time, I'm hooked on running already....(but do bear in mind, my running constitutes of alternate jog-brisk walk-jog hehehe) and ran 17km for another (3rd) finisher medal. Timed 2hr:33min but then need to deduct Subuh prayer stop - twice! Spent a lot on fitness gear too...
5. I signed up already for organ donation, just in case you know...already let one of my brother as well as one sister know about it. I ticked everything except those on the skin surface.
6. Januari 2013: On rotation basis, I was appointed as Chair of Something. Not looking forward to shoulder the many responsibilities & meetings - urghhhh!!
7. Mac 2013: I might get the key to my apartment - pray hard for it for ages already, the OC are taking forever - bureaucracy!!
8. April 2013: Renovation in progress - funding comes from...? In God we trust!
9. I thought I found love, for real this time, only that it wasn't meant to be. Never mind lah, I will always love him *one fine day in future, I hope it is not going to be too late, he realises that I mean my words - the ball is in his court literally* but for now, life will moves on. Rad no te rajes!
10. November 2012: 2*th reunion celebration after two decades of leaving secondary school. After all the drama involved in the planning (girls will always be girls - bitchy & needy, moi included!) I enjoyed meeting everyone again (except for 1,2 persona non-grata were excluded - sorry guys! Coz you break our hearts so all is fair...)
11. Siblings rivalry & dramas non-stop in the family - but at least I made my peace with Sis#1. As for my 30 nephews & nieces - ignor me on fb at your own peril! I can be a nice maksu or I can NOT be bothered with you anymore if you are rude to me..Bro#2 is really annoying but blood is ticker than water, so do people say....Even mak also kind of hurted by one of her children - thank God it wasn't me!
12. Office policy of locked door (knock-knock!) is still maintain at all time - flirting from married male colleagues and nosy female colleagues are not welcome at any time.
13. November 2012: My eldest niece got married - congratulations! But no pressure, really, for moi!
14. September 2012: Went for a short trail of 'Gucci' Tunnel.. with shopping-crazy group of colleagues (but not really colleagues).  God, I love Ben10 Market!
15. October 2012: Lion City revisited for a conference presentation. Bought my Kate dress - must slim down to wear it more often - arghhh.. Drama occured as always...but wasn't me this time!
16. June 2012: Appointed as Deputy Chief Editor of Something - a small thing really but big responsibility!

That is all that I remember for now - I'm thankful to Allah for the opportunities, people and everything that came on my way whether good or bad there's something for me to learn from each and everyone of them. I pray for a better year ahead, more patience & hardwork from moi & blessing from Him in everything that I do.

10 weeks..

Monday, April 2nd - It was that time of the year again. We took the time and had come (two busses) all the way by boat for lunch at the J-Island Resort when it was announced that it was also a certificate presentation ceremony for HOD's Award for last year performance. My marks were a bit lower compared to the one for 2010 - I'm still thankful given that I had nothing published last year - but I still get recognised for the menial (however petty) works that I have done. Almost all of my colleagues whether academic or support staff got the same recognition too. Mind you, all that we got was just a certificate - not even boxed set of pens like last year.

But someone did not get the recognition. Maybe the way our performance being measured are biased to a certain extent depending upon who were the assessors. The 1st assessor for my section gave everyone a high mark! So it was really not a true measure of our relative performance..

At the varsity level, those top 12 performers from each department were treated to a special lunch as well as RM1000 each! However, those 12 was split into two - half quotas for academic and support staff respectively. For the support staff, everyone was of the mutual understanding that just wait for your turn (seniority or something), eventually you will get it! But for the academics, it is a totally different games altogether....I know some got it because they really deserved it, one got it again after almost 20 years *sigh* but then there are those...
Another thing worth mentioning here, last time the varsity used to give these top performers a pay rise (gaji naik menegak instead of the annual horizontal increase)!

My point of contention is why that person who-did-not-get-recognised shamelessly said this to my face: "Alah...setakat jadi AJK itu-ini pun boleh dapat cemerlang..."
At least, I still did my part - contributed to the school right?

All I know now, avoid her, ignore her - for my peace of mind!

Since I'm grumbling my dissatisfaction here, might as well include others whom I need to be alert to too:
1. There is this one particular guy, who is head of one of the varsity's Islamic club. There is this one other guy who is his deputy who is very much involved in giving talks on religious issues as well as others. On April 26th, one of my colleague's 18 yo son passed away - he had heart problem, doctor told the family that he had only a 6 seconds chance to be saved if ever he had a heart attack again. He went swimming with friends and were found almost drown in the water. All of us played a role in giving out moral supports from the hospital's morgue up to the burial ceremony. This guy (that i mentioned earlier) felt the need to told me (as chair of staff welfare club) what to do next - arrange for a special prayer session blablabla....when arrangement was already being made upon suggestion by others. But when it came to appointing the imam to lead the prayers, he said he got something else to do! So, the second guy came to the rescue... Funny thing is, he was still around during the prayer session! I had the impression, given that this is not the first time this thing happened, I definitely need to be careful around him....It took one other person last time to point out that I, as the conference secretary, was doing his treasurer's job!! And on the 3rd day of the conference, he simply excused himself from attending the closing ceremony and stay in the hotel for no obvious reasons at all...

2. This other person is supposedly a good friend of mine. I know, we have to accept everyone's quirks and everything but I find it hard to accept her behaviours when she pressured me for information about others and at the same time question why I am close with such-and-such, if a certain person is with me, she don't want to be around etc. which is basically putting me between a rock and a hard place! Yes, she is much senior than me, but does she need to always look down upon me? As if whatever she's doing is important but not mine? She had the cheek to say that the conference that I helped to organize last year of no quality!!! Damn!!! Didn't she know the amount of efforts that went into it? Obviously not...*sigh*

Moral of the story here, being assertive is way much different from being aggressive! And I very much suspected that she falls into the second category while I definitely need to up my assertiveness! Try not to be a pushover rad!

3. Ten weeks refer to the time it took to heal a broken heart - NOT!! I'm simply counting the days....I admit, I miss him very much! There wasn't a day that goes by where I didn't think of him..a quick glance at the building where he works is sufficient to put me in a melancholic mood. But at the end of the day, do remember rad, he dumped you!!! Remember what he said, after all the explanation, "..we're done, ..things are not meant to be.. and I don't want to see you anymore."

What else for me to do? I have called, smsed and emailed him to explain what had happened but alas there wasn't any room for communication. Lesson learnt the hard way - I'm such a hypocrite, so full of righteousness, blablabla... thanks to him!

But I still 'like' you, do you know that? *cue music: I wish nothing but the best for you!" Do let me know when you finally meet that one-in-millions: An Honest Woman! *gasp!!!*

Funny eh? *my heart is not in synchronize with my head*

Today is the day..

..only that it wasn't meant to be!

I planned to *cheekily* propose to him to marry me!

The perasan-bagus-alim-maksum-hypocrite-rad has come to terms with the concept of 'letting go and moving on.."

Count my blessings for the day..

The day started early with an incoming message's beep from an unknown number. Which made me almost dropped everything pronto & thought of him! "Just think of you. I thought to send you a very good morning sms. Good morning."

You - who?

He is a very good young foreign friend of mine, we met during a local conference back in 2009. I felt so easy talking to him about stuff. He is excellent academically too, way ahead of me! He said, "You came to my thought when I wake up..." Maybe my aching heart is emitting a distress call.. *yeah, dream on!*
_
An ex-collegemate who is now a mature student at my work place, around for a tw0-weeks course, messaged just to say thank you and goodbye. Such a simple act of kindness which reminds me of him - that him mentioned earlier - how could this guy looked upon my 'mulut bertih macam jagung' kindly as opposed to him? He noted at the same time how unsocial I was and still am..how ironic, don't you think?
_

I love teaching..face to face! Especially when the students are ready to learn..
_

A young friend said I'm stingy - just because I made & brought to office for lunch - macaroni & cheese straight from the tin! Should I explain everything again? I don't like eating nasi campur for lunch; I prefer meals such as fried rice instead but the cafe closest to office don't do much justice in terms of fried rice - I cooked a mean nasi goreng if I so myself but there are days I'm tired of my own cooking...going out much further for lunch is simply too time consuming & took too much efforts - making the appointment, waiting for people, deciding what to eat etc. etc. And at the end of the day, I'm not saving much at the end of the month - which only show that my money is being siphon elsewhere...hmmmm!
__

The apartment will be ready by year end, insyaAllah. I need to start looking for interior design ideas, theme colours, best bargains, home appliances etc. all within my meagre budget!

Rajuk yang tak terpujuk!

Actually, there are 3 different scenarios that happened since Sept/Oct last year. One involving a very good female friend of mine, another one is about my eldest sister and the third one is the one that I really need and want to share for now, for the obvious reason - it's beyond salvageable..

____

If you ever wonder & ask me, why the so-called 'volatile relationship' doesn't exist anymore, here is the utmost reason why:

I was caught red-handed! (Ops, kantoi!!)
I wasn't being honest.
I lied to him.

Instead of going to bed early as I already told him (since I'll be driving back to my hometown very early the next morning), I was out partying like mad with my bevy of male admirers till the early hours of the morning! Shish.....

Shame on me huh?

And I had the cheek to say, "Heyy..I did nothing wrong!!"

___

P/s: Please read between the lines..haha!

20120112

1. I'm not born to be a leader. I have taken all sort of personality tests back in Form 4 and as recent as in December last year, both concurred with the fact that I hate being put in a leadership position. I hate managing people, trying to second guess everyone's thoughts, visioning for the future of the organisation/club or whatever - it's simply not me. What a bonus to have a deputy who works well with you, but she's leaving soon.. *gasp!* And if a certain committee member kept on mentioning about how busy she is...well, don't wait for almost a year of her doing almost nothing only to receive the letter of resignation today... A good leader should be able to act fast, decisive & spot on! Need to look for a replacement next...

2. I have been asked again.. to join 1) a long-term research cluster in the organisation; 2) co-researcher with a friend cum colleague from another. Fact, I have yet to establish myself in my own niche! After much consideration and some persuasion from concerned colleague(s), I had declined from (1) even if my heart yearn to travel to the exotic location all over Malaysia! Reason being the person who is inviting me (thank you very much!) had the reputation of jumping ship at the critical hour! I'm working hard to understand no (2) but eventually I have to start somewhere...

3. A closed friend mentioned this in passing w.r.t. matter of the heart, 'Rad, did you notice the same pattern? This is similar to what has happened before....they just kept quite.." I guess, I wonder no more - something is wrong with me.. Well, I wish nothing but the best for you - O Married Ones! *cue in background music - Adxle's Somxone Likx Yox* And from watching Ombxk Rindx, "..redha itu ikhlas, sedangkan pasrah itu menyerah!"

4. I have been summoned to court again for speeding - the second summons within 6-months! For a mere extra 13 kmph!! Kinda regret my conversion to PKE when I had been lucky in the past two year or so travelling between North and South with my trusty MAV! Tell me, how could I not push the pedal when you're travelling on the hiway, the coast is clear, and all the other Beemers, Mercs and even Kancil zooming past? Tsk-tsk....but then again, I don't another accident to happen!

5. This is my conclusion from #3: Communication, Commitment, Confidence, Compromise.
Relationship between two people need a strong foundation build from easy camaraderie, no misunderstanding, acceptance to commit to the future (even just for a glimmer of hope & tiny expectation!), confidence with oneself (please do not ever mention my hard-earned 'fxcking PhD' (his words) AND later how unsuitable we are in one sentence) as well as respect that each of us come with baggages in tow! We failed in terms of communicating effectively and all of the above but I still like you, you know!

Why would I bother?

Uncertainly - indeed...it has been weighing a lot on my mind which would otherwise be better occupied with lotsa more important stuff.

As Abdul Rahim Awang wrote in his novel (Obsesi), "Apa yang tidak terucap tidak akan menyakitkan hati, bukan?"

Oh Tuhan, bukan mudah untuk mencapai qalbu saleem (hati yang sejahtera!)

Main tarik tali

I really like you, do you know that? I guess, it should be very obvious by now that I do.

What has happened last Friday was not something intentional on my part. I asked you out for dinner and then I chickened-out at the very last minute - I was thinking, what will people think? If they know that I was the one who asked you out? As we already went out the night before... I think I'll be embarrassed to know if by doing that people will think (this is very important to me somehow, don't ask me why..but I do care about what people think of me) that I am needy, clingy or worst - desperate!! At the same time, I left the option to you - I really want you to say that you wanted that dinner with me! So that when we looked back or if people asked, I could say, you're the one who asked me out...you took the decision out of me.

And this thing about my 'ramaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii kawan lelaki keliling pinggang' and my so-called quest for perfection - I'm hugely annoyed by now! If only you knew me, how far from the truth that is....

Well, I won't bother explaining myself to you anymore...maybe this IS the sign from above that I asked for. Maybe we are not meant to be......

And the good thing that came out at the end of this interlude...I know now that.. is just a fleeting memory!

P/s: I'm not going to be bitter about this...and thanks to your pointers, I know now what people (at least one) think of me.

2nd

They are going to meet for dinner, 8pm.

Somebody said s/he going to be late.

Somebody said it's ok, I don't mind waiting - lambat2 pun takpe..

Somebody took it literally as that someone is patience enough to wait, maybe, forever..since s/he is busy with last minutes work!

Then only s/he sent next message & rushed out office at 11:30pm!

But, it was way, way too late...all the anticipations for nothing since the balloon has burst!

K.I.S.S

1. A new colleague approached me, saying that her husband knew me (we have met a couple of times at international conferences) & described me as 'a person with ceria face & big eyes'! Thank you. You simply made my day!

2. I received an award (at departmental level) at work place. It was based on overall job performance for last year - only those with 85% or more marks. The person who sat next to me also received the same award. She said, "After 20 years of working, now only I received this award..." Only silence from moi since (I started back in Nov 2009 so..) it has been only 1 year or so for me! Patut rasa bersalah kah? But, but there are those who received it almost annually!

3. Somebody is having a similar weird situation as mine. We both deal with people (students, colleagues, etc.) in our line of duty. Must we pretend ignorance when we met face to face when there are other people around? But continue messaging & phone calls (for lucky some!) or emails which more or less refer to personal stuff & beyond our call of duties? I saw sparks flying here & there!! I do worry about her though.. since he's obviously taken!

4. I asked a certain newly wedded person, "How's the baby making business?" Of course, I meant to ask whether there is any reasons for the Big Family to celebrate! She said, "Kau tak tau ke? Sakittt la!" Ops!! T.M.I again *sigh*

5. Life is good, alhamdulillah. I have some good days & some bad days but pretty much nothing to complaint about! Like someone said, I have 'rupa tak kurang, belajar tinggi & I bet good income'... if only less fussy, and no more 'ramaiiiiiii kawan lelaki (inc. ex-es) keliling pinggang! *sigh*